I've thought about it
Millions of times
How I could
Get back at you
How I could
Show you,
Make you understand,
What you did to me

I would see you in the halls
And my hatred would
Boil up
Hot, seething, pounding,
Underneath my skin
Threatening to break through
To burst forth
Out of my veins
And spill
All over the floor
Saturating the carpet
Down the stairs
Covering the railings
Seeping, slipping, slithering
Until it reached you
Until it engulfed you
And then,
The hands of my hatred,
These hands
They would
Slowly, carefully, painfully
Strangle
Your *****, ******* neck

But no,
I never did anything
I pushed away these
Horrible, murderous
Visions, thoughts, fantasies
And I never did anything

I never did anything
And
I don't plan to

Because I realized that
No amount of fiery, furious words
Would ever even start
To compare
To the damage you did to me
No amount of rage-filled actions
Would ever even start
To bring about
Justice

I am bigger than that
I am better than that
So much better than that

I will overcome
I can overcome
I have overcame
I will succeed in life
I can succeed in life
I have succeeded in life

In spite of you.

You may have taken my innocence
But you can't take my spirit

Today I stand

I am so blessed
I have so much joy
I am surrounded by so much love

Today I stand

Dented, bruised
But
Beautiful,
Absolutely beautiful
A creation only God
Could have possibly hand-crafted

Today I stand

Smiling
Happy
Alive

Today I stand
Strong
In spite of you

Talk about revenge

It's all okay
You hold firm to a fraying string
The brittle pieces
Breaking off
Course against the soft pads of your fingertips
Oh, but boy do you
Grip tight
To this fading reality
All the way up to the day
You see it
All the way
Until you meet your copy
Face to face
And you realize
The images before you,
They should match.
The two people standing before you,
They should be the same.

But they aren't.

They are starkly different
Even though they are
Identical

You are split in half

We all carry a picture
Some of these pictures are adorned with the likes of a fancy frame
Others, no frame at all
But each of us walks around dragging a picture behind us
A picture of what our life is supposed to look like
Painted diligently by the brush of our best intentions
It's a great secret
One of the deepest secrets of humanity
That in the end,
None of our lives turn out the way
We thought
Or imagined
And then
We get angry, confused, frustrated
We punch holes straight through our pictures
We tear them into shreds
We cry over the loss of our picture
But the truth is
No matter how carefully we pay attention to detail
No matter how long we spend
We can't paint our future stroke for stroke
We don't have that much power
As much as we sometimes wish to believe
Otherwise
Most of life is simply
A reaction to circumstances
Sometimes
The best thing we can do is
Destroy our picture
Start fresh
And paint
A new stroke
A new color
Each day
As we move and breath
And take what comes

I'm slipping into nothing
Into everything

With every sound not heard
I slide
Further down,
Alone,
Disappearing,
Forgotten

I'm losing my whole world
To the silence of my cries

There's so much I should say
So many thoughts
Words waiting to tumble
But I just can't let it flow

It's too early; it's too fresh.

If I say it all out loud
I can't take it back

It will be stranded in the air
Splattered above me,
Hanging.
Heavy.
Weighing down the atmosphere,
Beyond repair.

You know when the sky turns
Greyish
Your skepticism kicks in
But it's not threatening yet
No, it's not even close to
Black
There is still that comforting
Blue twinge
The clouds are still
Puffy, pretty, perfect
And then
All of the sudden
Tiny drops of water begin to splatter the ground
But, they fall slowly
They aren't big enough to cause alarm
You laugh to yourself
Because this weather
It's comical
It doesn't make any sense
And you reassure yourself
With that very fact
It doesn't make sense
So it will stop
The sky still looks
Stable
The day still looks
Happy
Just a small drizzle
Soon it will dry up
There will probably even be a rainbow
You look forward to this
Beautiful display
Yes, this water
It will go away before we even realize
It's there

But what if those drops don't go away
What happens when the day turns to night
And the dark is electrified by bolts of lightening
So encompassing
You can feel the vibrations
Underneath every piece of skin
What happens when thunder collides with the heavens
Thunder
So deafening
The reverberations bash in the sides of your skull

What happens then?

But I mean
It's a fifty, fifty shot
It could go either way

It could be the edge of a massive storm
Or it could be the edge of
Nothing

Will you nail those birds down for me?
My grandma asked
Of course
I answered
Pretty, detailed birds they were
Ceramic, fragile
There was two blue
And two yellow
But as I grabbed one to begin
My hand slid across jagged edges
My fingers slipping inside
What happened to this little guy, Grandma?
Oh, well
The wind wind came up
She said
And knocked him right off
And he just went sailing for the concrete
He hit that cement nice and hard
Broke his wing clear off
Do you still want me to display him?
I asked
Of course
She answered
There is still a lot of life left in him
He is still so beautiful
She explained
Just face that side in
Towards the house
That way only I will see the busted parts

So I did
I turned him
Grabbed my hammer
And nailed him down

There he stood
Rooted to his spot on that deck railing
Bobbing ferociously in the wind

And no one knew
No one noticed the hole in his side
No one saw the damage

My feet hit the pavement
One
Then the other
Kicking back
Leaving behind
I don't know what

With each step
I feel it
Resonating through me
Shaking me to the core
Pounding up my legs
Trouncing across my torso
Igniting my arms
Grasping desperately
Determined
It clings to the very edges of my mind

An hour
Just me
This road
And my thoughts
Dangerous
I know
But I like risks
Nothing thrills me more
I push on
Forward
But all of the sudden

I don't know where I am

No.
Stop.
You can't do that.

In one breath
you tell me how much your girl means to you
In the next breath
you tell me that you are attracted to my best friend
In the moment after
you look me in the eyes, lean in, and try to kiss me

And I slap you.

Because you're confused
And hurting
And I love you

Because that's not okay.

Oh,
And if you wanted to mess with me,
Well,
Congratulations,
You succeeded.

You held my hand today
All the way home
And the feeling subsided
Your hand took its place
Your firm grasp
Tore his fingers
From my wrist
And for the moment
I was no longer a slave
To this crushing pressure
Once again
I was safe

I can feel myself shutting down
Again
And I hate it
I want to speak
But I can't seem to wrangle my thoughts into coherency
My words are
Lodged
Caught
Stuck
In the depths of my throat
My feelings have
Overloaded
Jammed themselves
Into the crevices of my brain
With no plans of making an appearance

Please
Make it stop

Crack me open
Guide me

Help me

Here I stand
In the aftermath of the chaos
The hall that once held the heat of your anger
Now lays empty

Your screams have been replaced by a rich silence
A silence that permeates the walls
A silence that circulates the rooms
Of the house
You no longer call home
A silence that slices through the concealed hurt
And reveals the pain
That is still,
So fresh

It's not that
I'm too nice to say no
To shut you down
And walk away

If I wanted to
I would
I could
I've done it before
I'm not afraid

No, that's not it

It's that
I'm not sure

What I'm really afraid of
Is passing up
Something good
Missing something
Right in front of me

I love adventures
I love risks
I love to be proved wrong
And I'm not sure of much
But I am sure
You deserve a shot
I'm curious
I'm not ready to say no
Not quite yet

Too many times
God has surprised me
Too many times
He has
Shaken me
Flashed neon signs
Flipped tables

Until finally
I understand what he wants
Until finally
I let him guide me
180 degrees
In the opposite direction

But sometimes
My love of adventures
My openness
My willingness to try
Overshadows His voice
Sometimes
Too often
I push it too far
Without even recognizing it

I'm also afraid of that
Pushing forward when there is no where else to go
Pushing forward when
In reality
I'm only headed
Back

My mind is already open
Now if I could just open my ears
And listen

But my ears,
They seem to be stuffed full
With impenetrable cotton *****
The lobes
Folded over
Glued to the tips
Stapled shut
For good measure

Everything is
Distorted
Muffled

All I hear are
Whispers
Small tendrils of noise
Silently slipping by

It's like I'm under water
And the words are stuck in the air
Jammed in the clouds
Floating away from me

The insides of my eyelids
Are tattooed with the
Scars of my soul
I close my eyes and
The slides click into place
Rapidly flashing before me
Colliding violently
Within the tunnel of my vision
The images
Gouge out my eyes
Drill into my skull
Haphazardly, they
Caress
Manipulate
Assault
My mind
I watch this show before me
Helpless
Unable to lift my eyes
Unable to wake from this
Terror

But
Suddenly I am awake
Alive
Breathing in real time
Seeing in real time

And I can still feel it
The distinctive touch of
His hands
On mine
Pushing down
Halting my fight
His fingers
Digging into my wrist
Squeezing
The life escaping from inside me
As his grasp gets
Tighter
And Tighter
And Tighter
My bones
Cracking under
His brute force
Yes
I can feel it

All day I walk around
And I feel this
Suffocating hold
And I swear
People can see it
The marks he has left

But
I really don't care
If people see
I just can't stand
That feeling
Those indents
The pressure
I feel it and

I can't stand it

Today, I couldn't stop smiling
I still can't
I'm laying in my bed
Alone in the dark
Grinning like an idiot
Unable to sleep

I feel so alive
So awake
This joy is coursing through my veins
This love is overwhelming my heart
I am
Strangely
Wonderfully
Content

I would trade almost anything
To experience this struggle
Every night

There is this pain in my heart
It doesn't go away
A darkness that lurks
That I push down, I bury
But it always finds its way up
In the background, it lies
Struggling towards the surface
Dormant
Yet, Alive
Black tentacles grip tight
And down I go
Even on my happiest of days
The darkness,
Well,
It shows.

Some days I can bare it
Other days I wish to die
Some nights I can ignore it
Other nights I just cry

There is nothing more I know of that I can do
Except put on smile, laugh lots, love all
And pray,
Pray hard.
Pray with conviction.
Pray with zeal.
Pray that God will subdue
All of these feelings, all of this pain
And I hope,
I hope with all that I am
That one day, it will leave me
And never come back
Until then I shall walk around
Pretending
My heart isn't tainted,
Oh no,
It's not a shade of black

Hands reaching
Slicing through the air
This thick, steamy air
Fingers
Burning their way
Down
This heat
My insides are
On fire
Lips
Tongues
I push
You return
Slow
Fast
Circle
Sloppy
Hungry
Desire
Hands under
Grabbing
Twisting
Ahhh
Mhmmm
Yes
Breathing
Heavy
Hard
Shirt­ off
So hot
Fingers fumble
Buttons undone
So wet
So ready
Fingers
Touching
Pushing
Circling
Hips
Thrusting
Dipping
Responding
Craving
More
More
More
Body
Exploding
Mind
Lost
You
Hard
Underneath me
Skin
Against
Skin
Lips
Tongues
Slip
Down

And then
****
Stop

Reality

Hazy
But
Reality

****

Wait no
Don't
Stop
Go

But
Yes

Stop.

Clothes thrown on
Quick
One more
Quick

Then
Slap

And even though
It wasn't my cheek

All that remains is
The distinctive sting of

Regret

Sometimes I can't handle being inside my skin
I want to break out of this cell
The walls, the ceiling, the floor
They're closing in on me
These bars are pressing into my side
My stomach is going to burst
All I want is to
Rip out my brain
And tear out my thoughts

But I can't move.

Love him.
Please.

Take a chance.
Have faith.
Leap.
Let go of your doubts, your reservations
And just go,
Go for it.
Please.

I know you don't want to.
I know you don't want to hurt him.
I know you don't want to get hurt again.
I'm not going to even start to pretend I fully understand
But I get it,
It's ******* terrifying

But he deserves it
Yes,
He deserves a chance.
He deserves you
And more importantly,
You deserve him

Around each other,
You both become better versions of yourselves
You light up
He lights up

No, he's not exactly what you pictured
But God never promised picture perfect
Sometimes His plan is entirely different
Than the plan you had imagined

And it's okay

I think you know this.
All of this.

So why are you still fighting?
You don't always have to be
The one in control,
The one who cares more,
The one who loves more

You were hurt
Bad
Actually,
Your heart was violently thrown at the ground
And the pieces?
They flew everywhere.
The hurt?
The hesitations?
They makes sense.
But he is willing,
He is ready.
To love you fully
To love you freely
With all his heart

So what are you waiting for?

Humble yourself
And let him fix you
Let him destroy the hurt
And replace it with a love
So big,
So all-encompassing,
You can't even begin to imagine it
Let him show you
The compassion you deserve
The respect you deserve
The love you deserve

You have to believe
He is not going to disappoint you.
He is not going to hurt you.
He is not going to leave.
He is going to love you,
Forever.

So please,
Love him.

When the sun goes down and the fears begin to fly
My poisoned thoughts pollute my mind
Telling me I can't do it
Anymore
Leading my hands to
Grasp
Hungry and desperate
For that cold, shiny piece of metal
I hear the whispers of the devil
Soft and comforting against my ear
Encouraging my movements
Taunting me
And the second it touches my palm
I am more in control
This metal has tamed me
Just holding it in my hand makes it better
But the whispers are not satisfied
Oh no, they intensify
Cut
They say
Cut
They scream
And I am close
So close
But I hold on
I hold out
My fingers curl around each other
Forming fists
My nails dig into my flesh
I squeeze my eyes shut
And I sing

Hold on tight this city's about to break*
More God?
Really?
Why?
Please no more
Please
His hands wrap around my wrists
His knees push down
Pinning me
Like an animal
Stretched out on a board
Ready to be dissected
And everything that is
Everything that was
Strong
In me
Disappears

Hope sweet hope how much more can she take
My shoulders shake
My spine stiffens
All over
My body is trembling
From the stress
Of holding it all
Together
From the weight of
Fear
Anger
Confusion
Expectations
Hurt
It's crushing me
I don't know what to do
So I cling
To the one thing I know is true

The glimmering light in the corner of a broken sky
I see it
And I lunge towards it
I can't run
I don't have it in me
But I stagger and stumble
And slowly
I make my way
Through Him
To Him
It's the only thing I know to do
I want to cover myself in this light
In this life
It's bright and warm and
So unlike the things I've come to know
To expect
For this glimmer is the only thing
Keeping me in this game
The only thing
Breathing air into my collapsed lungs
The only thing
Pumping blood into my mangled heart

In the cold, dark night
She's not giving
Not giving up
Because this glimmer has done something,
Something that nothing else has ever accomplished
This glimmer has halted
The thoughts
The memories
The pain
The blade
And reminded me of
The love

The light may be dim
But it's there

That's all I need

Please
Please ask me questions
Not just any question though
Pointed questions
Specific questions
Because the truth is
No
I don't say much
I listen
I care
I respond
But when you ask about me
I'm quiet
Nothing is new
You don't get to know me
But it's not because I don't want to tell you
It's not because I don't trust you
It's because
How are you doing?
Is way too open ended
What's new?
Has too many options

Each time your lips part
Spitting out an attempt
To reach me
The debris
It accumulates
Fast
Furious
Like the remains after a hurricane
Giant logs, pieces of homes, shattered lights
They shoot to the surface
My surface
Attacking my limbs
Penetrating the delicate insides of my head

I can't think

I don't know where to start
I don't know what you want to know
I don't know where the line is
If there even is a line

So many memories
Clutter the floor of my mind
Most,
Of no relevance whatsoever
I mean
What should I say?

Should I tell you about
The time she forced me to lick chocolate syrup off his junk
While tears burned at the corners of my eyes
Eventually overflowing
Chiseling their way across my cheeks
Sliding off my chin
Slipping down
My tiny, bare body
That shook like
Streamers in the wind
Should I tell you about
The time she bit my ****** so hard
It bled for days
About how I held a tissue to it all night long
Praying desperately
To a God I wasn't even sure existed
About how
It scarred
About how
I am terrified to ever stand naked in front of anybody
In the light
Because they will see
Should I tell you that
After digging out just those two stories alone
I can't see the screen in front of me
Because water is obstructing my view

What should I tell you?
What should I say?
There are too many things
Too many potential answers
And they are all right there
Right here
Clouding my vision
Blocking my path
A strip of duct tape
Slapped across my mouth

It's in this moment
My mind goes blank
I stare ahead
I make something up
I smile
I say everything is great

But it's not
Everything is not great
Everything is the opposite of great
Everything is crashing down on top of me
Crushing me

I can't see even an inch in front of my face

I can't see
I can't think
I can't answer

I can't

So ask me questions
Please
You won't offend me
Please
Guide me
Give me some type of direction to follow
Some light to jump at
Something to help me sort through the wreckage

I can't just
Talk
I don't work like that
I've spent most of my life
Silent

But I will talk

I have plenty to say

They are sneaking out
Quick
Stop them
Come on
Can't you hear me?
My urgency?
Please, this is an
Emergency

I have spent years
Building up these
Flood gates
Miles high
They stand
Miles long
They run
Strong
Sturdy
Unable to be penetrated

But there is one thing in life I've learned
Nothing in this world is completely
Unbreakable

I have a feeling
These walls are going to
Fail me
The corners of my eyes are done
Fighting
The wave is coming
It just a matter of time

These walls are
Straining
Creaking
Bulging
Under the weight of this
Water
And then it happens
They cave
And then
They break
Fully split
These walls lay on the ground
Blasted down
Thoroughly defeated
And the water rushes over, across
Trampling any chance of recovery
Nothing can stop this water now
It streams from my eyes
Hot and heavy
It rolls
Leaving tracks down my cheeks
Marking its territory
Carving its way down a path not-so traveled
And suddenly
This water
It slams into my side
Almost knocking me over
I realize
Never have I let go
So completely
Before
I have let the water well up
Sure
But never have the corners allowed
Escape
I have let the water creep into my voice
My body
But never have I really
Released it

All of the sudden
It makes sense
The reason this feels so right
For with the fall of each rain drop
A moment of
Pain
Anger
Fear
Disintegrates

This water is crashing down
With no signs of reprieve and
Your arms are around me
Embracing me
Trapping me
In your love
Unconditional love
Love that,
No matter what I do
No matter what happens to me,
Will never abandon me
I am ensnared
In this love
Held down
Held together
By your arms
Yet
I feel so light
I might just float away
Never
Have I felt

**So free

The best people possess
An innate ability to feel
To truly know themselves and others
To recognize and appreciate real, raw beauty
All around them
Especially in the simple things

The best people have
The courage to take risks
To be spontaneous and crazy
To turn around even the most desperate situation
To have creative fun

The best people have
The discipline to tell the truth
To realize that lying gets you nowhere
To know that honesty should be the rock
Laying solid and strong underneath every relationship

The best people have
The capacity for sacrifice
To fully invest in the lives of others
To love completely

Ironically,
Unfortunately,
These type of virtues cause for
Vulnerability
Which means
The best people
Are often wounded
Sometimes they even get
Destroyed

Why can't I just speak?
I had an hour with you
Just you and me
A whole hour
And I couldn't even do it.
I couldn't muster up the courage
To bring up
Anything
I tried
But I couldn't
Every time I opened my mouth
Intending to speak
My conscious began to scream
No
It felt like invisible hands were suffocating me
Shoving the words back down
To the place they came from
Why?
I trust you
I really do
I care
I really do
So why?
Why am I still afraid?
I don't have anything to fear?
Do I?
I just want to be able to speak with ease
I want the words to fall smoothly from my mouth
I desperately want to apologize
I want to tell you what I think
I want to listen
But first
I have to speak
I want to speak
But I don't want to say the wrong thing
I don't want to offend you
Or stir up anger
But
I'm pretty sure I don't actually have to worry about this
I don't
But I still do
And until I let this go
I will struggle to speak

I never meant to do that
To dig the cut deeper,
Please
Believe me
That was not my intent
I never want,
Not today,
Not ever,
To push anyone to feel that way
To do that to themselves
To harm themselves in any way
You are already covered in scars
I should have known better
I should have stopped
Sooner
No, I shouldn't have done it at all.
I know what that feels like
That level of hurt, anger, disappointment
And no one deserves to feel that way
No matter what they've done

I am so sorry.

Sometimes, I grip my pen
So tight
My fingernails
Dig deep
Leaving behind cavernous indents
The remains of desperate claws
Marring the intricacies of my palm
A reminder to hold on
An indicator of what happens when
You let go

Sometimes, I write
So fast
With so much intensity
So much emotion
So much urgency
My pen
Catches and
Rips
Right through the page

But it's better.

It's better
To break through my paper with my pen
Than to slice through my skin with my blade

Everyday I have the choice
I make this choice
The pen
Or the blade

And today
I choose the pen

Because
One day
Someday
Out of all this
Ripping
Breaking
Slicing
Will come
Something

New

The beat
It lives inside of me
It thrives inside of me
It moves and breathes
And throbs
Underneath my skin

When I set it free
This wild beat
When I let it go
This ravenous beat

It can't be stopped
I can't be stopped

I think it's about time
Yes
It's time to release this beat

My fingers gently cradle my wooden weapons of art
And nothing
No one
Stands in my way
With a satisfying thud of the bass
I begin

Soon,
I am lost
Floating
Falling
Screaming
Burning
But it's good
I am on fire
And it feels good
My world is spinning
The lights flicker
My vision blurs
But somehow, my limbs find their way
They know their way
In and among this chaos
The beat crashes down on top of me
Shattering over my head
The splinters of this beat
They fly
And stick
All over my body
Embedded beneath my nails
Stuck in my side
This beat
It is growing
In size
In strength
In intensity
It cannot be contained
It splashes up
Splattering my arms
Licking my legs
Sliding down my chest

And
Suddenly
It's all

Okay

You know that feeling?
When you are running down a steep hill
And then,
All of the sudden
The air just kind of
Catches you
Your legs give out underneath you
Your arms flail,
Striking the sky in every direction
This feeling?
That's what it feels like when you lose control
Gravity grabs a hold of you
The only things left in your existence
Are the air and the momentum
In this moment,
You have no choice but to tumble
Head over heels you go
And there's nothing
Not a single thing
You can do about it

You were right
Last night, I was close

But when I asked
You said
Of course
Like it was a definite thing
Like it was something I could count on
Not just then
But always

You were there

You didn't let go
You wouldn't let go
And in that moment
That was what I needed
The most

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
I didn't want you to find out that way
I meant to tell you
I wanted to tell you
But I push down my bad memories
I shove them away
Into the farthest most desolate corners of my mind
And I pretend to forget.
On purpose,
I desperately attempt to forget.
It's the only way I know how to cope
I never talk about my past,
Because I fear talking
I fear it
So, so much
So instead, I write
Because my thoughts come out so much easier,
More fluid,
More clear,
And then,
You can't see my tears

It's not your fault
This is all on me
I never let anyone touch me
Let alone get close
So no,
Please don't blame yourself
It's not you
It's me

You are not uncaring
You are one of the most caring people I have ever met
Your not selfish either
Please don't say that.
Your words, your stories,
They mean a lot
Yes,
I struggle with some things,
But so do you,
My struggles don't make yours
Any less real
Any less important

J,
You are an awesome person
Truly an amazing friend
I'm sorry
I haven't been the same back

I'm sorry.

We struggle with the Earth.
Everyday,
We struggle
Against the Earth
Until eventually,
It wins
It swallows us up
Despite our most valiant endeavors,
It eats us.
Even if we give our very best effort,
It takes us.
In the end,
No matter what we do
The Earth still prevails
The Earth will prevail

Which is why
Sometimes
I wonder
Why?
Why do we even
Try?
Why do we spend so much time,
Invest so much energy,
Into trying
Into struggling
Against a beast of an opponent,
A beast
We know
We can't beat
Why struggle
If
We know
We are fighting
A losing battle
If
We know
The only outcome
Holds no victory for us

For only time lies between me
And the meal of this terrible beast,
When his gnashing teeth will come
And devour me
And I will become
Just another
Nameless, faceless, helpless
Victim
Of the Earth
So what are we waiting for?
Why drag it out?
Why struggle?

I don't get it

It just doesn't seem
Worth it

Please
Please give me a reason
Tell me
Why
Why it's worth it

We've been
Waiting for
Talking about
       this
            forever

Now that it's
                      here
The moment feels
heavy
  hazy
   hectic
    hallowed
     hazardous
      hard

I'm ready to just do it already

But this doesn't feel like
The type of thing to do in
        haste

It's possible I'm being
       hyperbolic

Or I'm spot on it's
       historic

hold on

hand & hand
We stand
     hopeful

I'm the type of person who buys cute gardening gloves

But upon first use declares them *******

It turns out, I need to feel

   the dirt between my fingers

   the layers packed under my fingernails