Yellow eyes staring back at me
living in my mirror
hungry eyes weakened by the glory in gaze
whole in the body eager in the eyes
favor me

Decadence layered like waves of fog
swept up in a world class, wide range whirlpool
road of autumnal glory, stained like gray day dream
peaceful in its silence, soft in its simplicity

however beneath that dream soaked ragtime sunrise
there was the sharp cut of cold that seeps into your bones
sealed with a padlock engraved in armored frost
drained of summer sincerity

Long have I lingered in morning's eyes
swept into her breath and held in her mighty lungs
holding the moment like a ripe apricot,
which is to say gently, in both hands

Though the moment lives in the light filtered through leaves
I live in the dirt cut from beneath my fingernails,
a warm leather jacket, pressed close to my chest, worn in the elbows
I live in my own switchblade sky

i lose so many people on this sick journey to nowhere
honestly its so **** draining

hush little moon, don't say a word
freezing is not your demise
autumn will come and go but guilt lasts until you weep over a strangers grave

hold on little duckling, your time will come
stationary living isn't for people like us
winters will fill you, **** will weigh down your bones but hurt will taint the living

sleep little seashell, just close your eyes
homely overseers spitting "thrivethrivethrIVETHRIVETHRIVE"
summer makes us tear out sinew from our muscles and pray to the great spirit we are washed away by the tide but salt water doesn't cure distance

die little raincloud, just drift away
owl eyes aren't without a price
spring takes its toll, but love cant kiss away history and prozac cant stop decay

Greasy hair tied back
pink scrunchies haphazardly holding together the unbrushed strands
rosemary mint chapstick smeared between lips and lips and lips on lips
backseat bouncer, I'll leave when the dance is done
The same type of ***** this visual you get when you watch the sky turn in the AM
pink, blue, green, gold, gone
shoes off in hand, feet itch on concrete
to corner store barely open fifteen minutes
cherry coke slushies are so good at 7AM  
how dare you preach to me calling me
"Honey, Baby Girl, Peach"
listen to me for a change
Im no lesser than you because I prefer to live like wind
with a here today gone tomorrow mindset
It wasn't love, this isn't love
wont answer your calls, at school a nod in the halls,
baby my motto is pitstops and pitfalls
a brief rest for restoration, then back to hopping barbed wire fences
I don't mean to be mean but this is the last you'll see of me for a long time
because Love isn't real and if it is she took it with her

I sat at the Lighthouse and looked at the sky
feeling the breeze caressing my spine
little did I know this would be the last time
that I would sit on these rocks in the early july

I felt like an oyster on the half shell
hearing the wind in the trees casting their spell
The bouy rocking and ringing its bell
the sunrise is effortless painted pastel

life was so easy then

2005
I wish I had loved you then
when life was simple
and love was easy
when you and I were young enough to stay
over at each other's houses and
talk all night
on the mattress we dragged out in front of the tv

                 2010
I wish I had loved you then
When love was awkward, small
and we were innocent
When we could look into each others eyes
and know that we were too scared
to hold hands even in public
and was lost when you kissed me

                  2016
Im glad we love each other now
when we're both sixteen and I learn to drive
and you text me when I got home
when you hold my hand without shame
to and tell our parents for our first time
when you kiss my nose
and clumsily love me

and even then that fades
from contact daily to a nod in the halls
why do I love rejection
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why are we pending
why is it that I cant see a volvo without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared and alone
why do I let your rejection become me
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath the envelope that used to take my breath away for another reason
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at

why do I love rejection
why am I projecting meaning onto a little grey arrow
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why am I pending
why are we pending
why do I feel so out of place in a room of friends
why am I so sad to people I love happy
why am I this selfish
why is it that I cant see a car without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why do I let that small reminder affect me
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared
why do I let your rejection become me
why did scary tyler, or uninhibited jules, or violent todd, or lovely katherine let their names become rejection too
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at

I sat at the Lighthouse and looked at the sky
feeling the breeze caressing my spine
little did I know this would be the last time
that I would sit on these rocks in the early july

I felt like an oyster on the half shell
hearing the wind in the trees casting their spell
The bouy rocking and ringing its bell
the sunrise is effortless painted pastel

life was so easy then