Early winter,
Trouble brewing.
Do I know what the **** I'm doing?
When we meet again will it be clear?
Do I know what I'm doing here?

Spoons still drying,
Sunshine waning,
The once inviting dance is draining.
Caring for myself,
More than someone else,
is not something I find entertaining.

But when I'm cooking,
When I'm cold,
I connect with something very old.
Memories become old as well
In a backwards kind of parallel

To do lists need belief suspension,
I don't have my drivers license,
What do I know about rear suspension.

I need to get my driver license,
But first I need to change my name.
Tomorrow's a bitter pill to swallow,
I don't think I like this game.

We spent at least 15 minutes in the parking lot,
Everyday.
Itching in the grass and making up arguments.
Waiting for my mom to pick me up from your house after school,
Spraying mist out the water hose at each other and into the sky.
Over invested in card games and extra-murals.
Got locked out of your club penguin account.
I lied to my mom about the pickup time,
So we could play pool a bit longer.
All that nothing might have been everything.
Wait for the bus with me sometime again.

quiet high summer nights
waving off mosquito bites
and lips so dry
the tap tastes like nectar
a glass shared is sweeter, better.
soda like opal in the moonlight
should we order in tonight?
leave the window open. though it's raining
this is our little love remaining

I’m rocking back and forth against the hull of my loneliness,
Stuck in knowing it’s goodbye
But not being able to say I love you
or I’m sorry.
I’m crying with joy and longing as I lie in the love and conversation around me,
Wishing it were mine.
I’ve been high so long my heart rate stopped going down with the sun.
Going over it all all over again all the time.
I feel like a child again, terrified by the the dark, the wind, the eyes of men.
I’m breaking down in the line at the gas station.
Looking out the glass wall at a Lovecraftian highway,
Flickering florescent lights like the ones from The Exorcist.
On my way to a cavernous husk of a family dinner,
Most of them gone now.
Just me, my mother, and my widowed, bereaved, great aunt.
There’s a stupid old cardboard cutout of a mascot next to me grinning too widely, holding up its product.
I scream and tear it’s head off it’s body
In my mind.
I have work on Monday.
This is life.

Favorite things:

Sandwiches
Reconciliation
Music
Justice
*******
Forerro Rochers
Nice things people have said about me
Drugs
Love
Good long stories
River rocks
Tall trees
Gifts
Art
Deep dreams

I want impossible things.
I just want to make you believe.
But I’m hardly even here.
And day will always break.
And pay checks don’t make themselves.
And I hate how much I love people
That humble my tiny fears.
I’ve rattled the gates at the top of your driveway in the cold of night,
Waiting for you to open,
Too many times.
I say I get taller by breaking down,
But quietly I wish we both believed in the same religion.
So we could stop arguing about it.
So you could think I was a genius.
So you could bask in it all like I did.
But I digress,
I learn to say.
I’ll learn to pray
Another way.

Im the small child in the bathtub,
Who cannot yet swim and is sinking.
I gather myself-
I pull out the plug,
Cause I know that there’s nobody coming.
I’m not on their mind.

Just nevermind.

I’m burden tied.
To a pulling tide.
To a dock I cannot see that sits 5000 miles away.

And mom I’m tired,
My arms are tired,
I dont think I’ll learn to float and I don’t have the words to pray,
don’t think that I can stay to try to change-
Can’t try to change your ways-
Can’t change your mind
I know who you are
You are my kind

So never mind.