I am anxiously awaiting the day when
I am not afraid of
I am not obsessed with
I am not stressed over
I am not anxious thinking about
I am not sick because of
Food.

But at the same time....

I just crave the days where
I would have two bites of a pancake all day long,
And rewarded myself with not having
To down half a loaf of bread,
Or purge everything up.

The days where I'd have more than 300 calories
And want to slit my ******* wrists,
But my slashes it got me to get rid of those calories.

The days when I felt empty
And empty felt full
And full felt clean
And clean felt light
And light felt healthy
And healthy felt thin.

My teeth can rot.
My muscles can ache.
My legs can bleed.
I just want to go back to that.

It's not as easy as I remember
Getting back into the habit.
I know once I'm there
It's smooth sailing.

I am not an object
You don’t own me
I am not too be domesticated
You didn’t make me
Try to put me in my place
What place is that
Who told you so
Using your brawn
no brain
I’m smart and wise
Tender as a dove
Stubborn as a bull
Caring
Sweet
Vicious

My love for you.
Is just that.
It’s all the words I have left unspoken.
It is all the things I wish you have said to me.
I do not understand
How something so good…like loving you..
Could hurt someone so bad.

The music seeps into my soul
It becomes my thoughts
The notes become the blood
Rushing through my veins
My feet start to move as easily
As my lungs keep me breathing
All of the minuscule details that I fight with every day
Disappear.
I feel free.
Peaceful.
Beautiful.

What could I have done?
To do you so wrong
That all I feel from you now is that I am shunned.
I know I was once a song
a song that you could sing along,
but now I am the distant tune.

You change the radio when you hear this song.
When the lyrics speak true to your mind,
ignore what we had,
pretend that these words and the melody
do not make you think of me.

We do not speak any longer,
but only through song.
I feel your pain
but I do not know
this song.

little spider crawling 'round amidst amongst between.
pins and pins and needles and
gentle over-skin caress and
deep rich honey laugh
dark and strong and sweet and
stop it and
no and
honey-laugh again.

This poem is ridiculous
And you’re so predictable
Together you are
Ridiculously predictable

And you spin your hair
On your skinny little finger
I stop and stare
Let my scent linger

Eyes are a deep sea green
Attitude of a beauty queen
This feels right
It’s a perfect night

But you’re gay
Why are you gay?
You tell me you like men
Kissed a boy in your closet when you were ten
You liked playing with Barbies- but only Ken
I love everything about you
And I am not about to
Leave you alone

With your news paper
You count me out
Keep reading about that ***** shaper
Oh, you make me want to shout

What can I say?
You’re gay
You tell me you like men
Kissed a boy in your closet when you were ten
You liked playing with Barbies- but mostly Ken

Tight jeans and collared shirts
Stick up your nose at the dirts
Got your cappuccino and walk around
Crush your cigarette butts into the ground

Get your books for class
Tap your boyfriend’s ***
God, you’re so predictable