You hate yourself? What do you mean?

I mean I hate every part of me. I hate the way my hair looks. I hate my thighs, I hate my stomach, I hate my face, I hate my mind, I hate every last bit of me. Its like being trapped with one person you hate with all your heart, the one you find just repulsive, absolutely disgusting and horribly ugly, forever. You know how sometimes you'll look in the mirror and even though you don't like yourself most days, you'll have a day where you can look in the mirror and say, "wow I look good" and be confident? I NEVER HAVE THOSE DAYS. EVER. When I look in the mirror I see the ugliest thing ever. I see my worst enemy. I see my every flaw, because flaws are all I'm made up of.

look,
i know i'm going
nowhere in life.
i've got that.
but why do you have to
remind me?
why is this necessary?
i have plenty of bad
opinions of myself, thanks.
you don't have to add to the pile.

The days are short
and the nights are long
Nights filled
with thoughts of you.

Craving, longing, dreaming:
the affection you
bestow upon her,
the way my heart beats —
as if it were yours,
And how
the Sun could never
compete with
The light
in your eyes.

How foolish I am,
To miss
what was never mine
To dream
of what I could never have
To hope
for something — anything.

I guess I always knew
     You were going to leave my life
That you would find the day and place
     To move on to your next step
But knowing those things didn’t change the facts
     And I’m not ready to say good bye yet
I’m such a fool for letting myself
     Fall victim to your kiss
The sweetest kisses I’ve ever known
     Kisses I want to feel every day
Your passionate words have captured my mind
     And my body follows close behind
But now I have to find the way
     To let you go
You have a life to begin and I know
     I will someday fade from your mind
I want to try to remain friends
     But not if I’m the only one trying
You hurt me so deeply
     When you didn’t tell me your news
And you’ll never know
     How many tears I’ve cried for you
Someday, I hope you realize
     How much you mean to me
And down the road, when you think of me
     You’ll shed a tear for what could have been

I kept pretending
That I couldn't remember your name
So determined that you weren't
Worth the time of day
I guess it's a reflection
Of my own sorry self
Such pretentious invention
Of isolation's hell

Full places
2. Having to answer the phone
3. When the teacher says "find a partner"
5. The deep, nervous and bad feeling in my throat when I'm outside
6. Ordering at restaurants
7. Not being able to smile back at people so I look down and smile at the ground like an idiot
8. Am I breathing too loudly?
9. When I feel confident about going somewhere, but the closer I get, the more nervous+sick I feel
10. Trying to talk to someone in a group of people, but I don't because I'm afraid I will look ridiculous
12. When someone doesn't text back. So up convince myself that they don't like me
13. Not being able to eat in front of anyone
14. When I'm going to bed+all of a sudden my mind filled with thoughts of things that could go wrong the next day
15. Walking with my eyes fixed on the floor so I avoid eye contact with other people
16. The never ending fear that the teacher will force me to speak or do something in front of the whole class
17. Not reading loud in class because everyone stares and hears how nervous am I
18. Hearing people laugh behind me so I'm assuming its at me
19. Waiting rooms
20. When the teacher calls on me go answer something during class
21. When I can't walk in the hallways at school because I feel like everyone is judging me
22. When the teacher says "if you don't start raising your hands, I'm going to have to call on random people
24. Having great conversations with someone over text,but being afraid to hang out with them because I think they won't like me in person
25. Attempting to say "hello" back when someone suddenly greets me and end up just looking to the person without the ability to talk
26. Constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up
27. Playing out conversations in my head before meeting people
28. Leaving the house
29. Eye contact
30. Walking on my own and feeling like everyone is watching me
31. Not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk to people
32. When the teacher is taking the register in alphabetical order and I know my name is coming up
33. Thinking everyone in the room is talking about me
34. Holding in coughs in class so I don't draw attention to myself
35. Checking my phone because I don't know what to do with my hands
36. Knowing the answer to the teachers question but being terrified to raise my hand and draw attention to myself
37. Constantly feeling like the pressure is on me to start conversations
38. Feeling like everything is my fault
39. Being scared of not being able to get out of a room full of people
40. Being scared of sitting next to a stranger
41. Being afraid of seeing someone I know
42. Getting anxiety during lunch, so I feel sick and I don't eat, which makes me more anxious cause people will judge me for not eating
43. Being scared to go anywhere in case I have a panic attack
44. Not eating in school
45. Entering class late
46. Avoiding crowded events
47. May having a panic attack in school

Get it?
Things happen and time passes.
At least in my world.
Nothing is worth hanging on to.

I want to move on.
I let out my fears, my emotions,
But you won't let me heal.

Let me go.
Life goes on,
And I want to forget
And forgive myself.