I quite like
sitting cross legged
barefoot
in the passenger seat
of my mom's Honda.
When the air is humid and warm,
summer is rising out of the darkness that
encompassed me this winter,
and I was so distracted
I missed spring.
I like hearing
the audible gasp
in a movie theater
or
noses sniffling, tissues being exchanged by strangers
because
for once
I know that these people
are feeling the same way I am
and that I am not
alone.
I like hearing your quiet snores beside me
after we've fought
because you did not get mad enough to leave
and I'll work it all out tomorrow
I promise.
I like feeling
the kick drum resound in my heart
at concerts
because I can feel it
and it is there
and I may have to get away from the crowd
but it is still music,
it is still passion
I am still there.
I like when you've just cut your hair
and I know you hate it
because you must have told me a thousand times
how they ******* messed it up
and ****, you are so angry
but I am distracted
because I am seeing your eyes
for the first time;
and they are a jungle
and I am tangled up in your branches.
I like crying over trivial things
like movies and books and the way you looked before you got onto the plane,
because that means that I am not caught up
in the urge to drag a razor across my skin
or all the things that I have held myself back from.
I like unfocusing my eyes
and clearing my thoughts
so all I can hear is music
and not drown in my own thoughts
for once.
I like falling in love
with someone I cannot have
because the fear of rejection
is not there
and I can love wholly
and completely
because he will never know me
and this makes me feel content.
I like being unextraordinary
and leaving no mark on this town
except for maybe
an empty soda can on the stage of the park and
crushed, unlit cigarettes
because
it will be easier for me to get away
and no one will remember me
or the way I liked the weird things.

i try to tell myself
i only fell for you so hard
because you were the first person to ever show me affection like that,
to ever hold my hand when i was anxious
or bring me chocolate when i had stomach cramps,
or skip class with me just to wander hallways
you were this far-gone kind of crazy,
like you were on cloud 9 and you could fly
and when i was with you, that's where i was too
but my cloud got heavier and yours stayed afloat
and i fell back to earth while you drifted away
and now i can't help but feel like
no one ever fit between the spaces of my fingers so perfectly
like yours did
i could never walk so casually, swing our intertwined hands and not care that everyone was watching us
and i pass you in the hallways and i get anxious,
because you say hello and it takes me so long register that it's you
that i don't even have time to say anything back
and she can tell that i am anxious, that i'm biting at my nail as if i am trying to rip it right off of my skin, so she grabs my hand
but it's a struggle to get it just right, and even then somehow it is not right
my arm is stiff and she's trying to help me forget what made me anxious
but all i can do is notice how different it feels and the ridges of her skin are not yours
and it feels nothing like you and
oh, god please just come back because i miss you and you are right there
but we don't talk like we used to and i doubt i'll ever get to kiss you again
and the seasons are changing and you were right there with me last year when this happened
said you understood, knew how the seasons change some people like they are leaves
i turn into the prettiest of colors in autumn, but i'm slowly slowly slowly falling down, breaking off and
dying
buried beneath all of this forewarned snow
they say it's going to be a harsh winter and i can't imagine anything being harsher than
memories of getting slapped in the face on christmas eve and
remembering panic attacks on new years eve, shaking and crying and trying to clean up my basement at 1 am
somehow this all seemed easier last year,
i didn't shake all the **** time and i didn't receive that pitiful look from my therapist and the depression seemed more manageable and i seemed less detached
but now i am beginning to realize
that without your hand to hold,
the spaces between my fingers are going to swallow me up

all i know is
it's getting harder and harder
to pretend like
i'm fine with being your
just friend
when every time i pass you
and you smile at me
and your lips part
and your mouth opens
all i can think about
is slamming my lips against yours
until i cannot see the image of his lips touching yours
anymore
and you are bruised with my love
because all i know is
the evening you kissed me
last summer
by my front door
i felt every nerve ending ignite with fire
and i could hear music in my head
like a movie
and i couldn't get the taste of your chapstick out of my mouth for 3 whole days

i wish i was a cigarette
you had someone else buy for you at 7 eleven
i wish i was what you wanted to fill your lungs with
i wish i was more important to you than oxygen
even if just for a moment
i wish i was the one you'd turn to when you felt alone
and i was what ran through your veins when you were alone in the dark
i wish i was as lethal as nicotine, wish you were addicted to me
i wish i was the last *** in the carton,
the one you kept tucked deep in your pocket
because you loved it so much,
didn't wanna burn it up and turn me to ashes
you just kept me close to you
and twirled me between your fingers when you got fidgety
i wish you'd ignite me and watch me burn
if it meant your happiness
but you just ******* out and a way
like smoke into the night

Andy
Let me just tell you
That I...
I love you.
You're my best friend
I'd never want more
Then that.
You made me smile
For weeks we would talk and laugh and I would nearly get in trouble in math class just to see what you had to say.
You're honestly one of the best friends I could hope for, you showed me purpose when I believed there wasn't any
You don't know how my face and heart would light up when you replied to me
And though we haven't talked in a while I miss you
I'd get a plane ticket out to you and help you accomplish your dreams if I could
Remember when you said we could go live in Seattle and hire an actress to go to gym for me?
Remember?
And we could go to Kansas and you could teleport to get me?
Andy, please...
I know you have no control over it
Three weeks to live...
You deserve three eternities
I'd give them to you if I could
But I can't
No one can
Though I know we all would.
So live your life to the fullest
Use those three weeks to the max,
And never, never give up dear Andy
Fight for us
Fight for me
But don't give in
You
Don't
Have
To
Die,
But
Even
If
You
Do
You
Will
Live
On.

Live* so much,
     that you scare death away.

I hate to admit it but,
Maybe his time has come
Maybe he's meant to go
Three weeks of hanging on
He has no reason to
His love has gone
His mother is waiting
His best friend is there
Everyone he's lost along the way,
Waiting with open arms
Oliver
Abby
Evelyn
Joseph
Quinn
Ally
Catherine
And those are just a few
His family is there
He's lost everything
But himself


A short poem for Andy. Who was moved back to his home town for his last few weeks. Andy has been battling a cancer called soft tissue sarcoma. This has been a two year battle. It's closer to stage five than four now and he's been given three weeks to live. To say goodbye, to try and get better. Help me out and repost this to give him a reason to fight. Write your own poems and show him there's a reason to stay  #ThisIsForAndy and #ANewReligion    ~Thanks~