you say you're clingy
is that true?
maybe you are
but not with me
you say you love me
but I say that's too soon
if you claim to love me
please show it
cuz all I've gotten
are short replies
hours of silence
and no acknowledgement
of my existence
you say you love me
but that's too soon
you say you're clingy
is that true?

I have all these words piling up in my brain
stacking up on each other
but I can't string them into words
and into coherent sentences
I have this urge to write write write
but alas, I can't
the words don't make sense
and as soon as an idea comes to me
it floats away
out of my reach
I can't find my passion
what I am I without my words
how can I be a poet
if I have no words

I used to love the sun on my skin
warming me from the outside in
then an aberration change happened
now it torments me
it rays bury deep
making me wobbly
and dizzy
making me tired
and nauseous
making my heart pound
and my mind into mush
the heat is my kryptonite
slowly draining me
once I'm in its grasp

"you need me" the blade says
"I''ll make you feel good
just let me kiss your skin"
the blade says
last year I might have given in
or at least considered it's offer
I had this pain so heavy in my heart
weighing me down
it seemed like the only option
I turn my head away
and ignore the blade's plea
I will not break
I will not give in
my pain is no longer
I am free from it's chains
the shackles have broken off
my skin holds no wounds
they're not needed any longer

the horrors you committed against me
are egregious
that I find it hard to talk about
yet you swear high and low
that my accusations are calumny
you will lie about what you did
until the day you die
but I just wanted you to love me
and you felt lust instead
you were supposed to be my dad
now you are nothing to me
my new family believes me
and knows that your denials
are falsehood
you can swear up and down
that my accusations are calumny
but I know the truth

sorrow overfills my soul
when I think of what my
younger self endured
they didn't deserve that
all the pain and suffering
and the hunger and tears
the panic and fear
the shattered trust
sorrow overfills my soul
when I think of what my
younger self endured

I don't want to be altruistic
or a people pleaser
or a doormat
my bones ache from giving in
to everything
shouldering all the burdens
ignoring my issues
listening to the tears of others
and hiding mine in the darkness
I don't want to be altruistic
or a people pleaser
or a doormat
I want to stand up for myself
to be assertive
to have time to myself
I don't want to be altruistic

I feel like I'm running out of time
seconds minutes hours days months
all slipping from my grasp like sand
like I'm not doing enough
like there's not enough time for my dreams
it seems like yesterday I was 14
now I'm on my way to college in a month
not enough time
slipping away from me
can I do this in my limited lifespan
I may seem young
and that I have plenty of time
but it seems to pass me by faster and faster
maybe I'll blink and wow!
another year will've passed

Pride
"I deserve everything
I am better than everyone
I make no mistakes
I am perfect"
Greed
"I deserve this shopping trip
one more purchase
more money I need more money
one more store"
Wrath
"they deserve pain
I will make them hurt
I need to break this wall
anger is necessary"
Envy
"they don't deserve that beauty
why do they get that and I don't
I wish I had that purse
I need that dress, not them"
Lust
"I deserve to make love to them
I need that person in my bed
give me pleasure
I need you, now"
Gluttony
"I deserve all this food
just one more doughnut
more pizza
I need more pop and chocolate"
Sloth
"I deserve to lie in bed all day
I won't get up to reach the remote
I'll wait to use the bathroom
work is boring, I'll just sleep"

I write and write and write
in no way am I laconic
the words flow and flow and flow
pages and pages and pages filled
watching notebooks pile up
my thoughts and emotions
filling each page
my very essence poured into my poetry
laconic is never and will never
be a part of me

the circus clowns were sad
their pain made the people laugh
so every day
they painted their faces
with outrageous colors
and wore ridiculous costumes
they got onto the stage
in front of all those people
they fueled their sadness
into humor
and tricks
the people laughed and laughed
when the circus clowns show was over
they put on normal clothes
and removed their face paint
they lay in bed at night
and cry themselves to sleep
in the morning
they have another show
so they use the face paint as a mask
to hide away their pain

I am comfortable with veracity
facts are true and unchanging
solid and reliable
something I can depend on
but my emotions hit me at full force
they leave me out of my depth
they're chaotic and everchanging
it's like being thrown in off a cliff
and struggling to swim in a choppy ocean
I can say I'm going to college
that's a fact
but emotions come in to play
when I think of how I'm leaving
my parents and cats
eagerness and uncertainty
hope and fear
excitement and homesickness

I love writing
whether it's poetry
or creating stories
it would be a dream come true
if I could do this for a living
but the voice in the back of my head
is dubious
it tells me things that bring my hope down
what if I'm not good enough at this
what if no one likes my words
what if I lose my passion
and I'm left with nothing
but dubious thoughts

one simple word is holding
me captive
my thoughts begin to bombinate
inside my head
you left me on read
I'm trying to stay calm
and rational
but my thoughts bombinate
inside my head
and my overthinking self
kicks in
what if you don't want to be
friends any longer
what if you were too busy to respond
what if I annoy you
what if you forgot to reply
my thoughts bombinate
in my head
as I struggle to stay rational
and calm