the siren girl is singing
motioning for me to
join her in the water
her voice is so
captivating
I jump off the edge of my boat
I land in the water
beside her
she pulls me under
her voice so sweet
I almost don't notice
the water filling my lungs

content:
the cool soft breeze caressing your hair
happiness:
the clear bright sunny sky
sadness:
the gentle rain dampening your skin
depression:
the pouring rain drenching your clothes
anger:
the scorching sun and whipping wind
rage:
the violent winds and tornado warnings

books books books
such a wonderful way to escape
the crisp scent of a fresh book
pages upon pages
drifting into other worlds
so much better than reality
dragons and unicorns and demons
are a better alternative
than the boring normal world
libraries are a comfort
so quiet and filled with books

I don't expect to get encomium
on social media
however
I hate the negativity
on social media

sometimes when I talk
my brain moves faster than my mouth
leading to jumbled up words and stutters
most people don't care what I have to say
so I stay silent
barely a word slips from my lips
you can say I'm shy
but what do I have to say
if nobody listens

morning dew coating the fresh grass
pitter pattering rain showers
green foliage growing on trees
flowers budding in gardens
sun shining in a cloudy sky
the air chilly and warm
nature rebirth
dancing in the rain
jumping in mud puddles
basking in the rays of light

they say your skin is completely new after 7 years
it's been 7 years
but your touch still lingers
I see you everywhere
even though you aren't there
your presence haunts me
distrusting other me
because of you
you were supposed to protect me
but you hurt me instead
how can I trust after that
you violated me
and acted like nothing was wrong
like it didn't consume me
with fear and disgust and anger
how dare you do this to me
you told me to never let anyone touch me there
but you broke the rule and did it yourself
I was just a kid
it's been 7 years
but it still haunts me

eyes
the window to your soul
such gorgeous objects
that hold onto my heart

the beautiful deep abyss of darkness eyes
the enchanting sea blue of the clear sky eyes
the gorgeous forest green of nature-loving eyes
the captivating honey-colored sunshine eyes
the stunning earth-toned life-breathing eyes

all eyes are beautiful to me
no matter the color

the night I tried to end it all
replays in my head
every single **** day
it tortures me
makes me relive it
I don't want to remember that night
the pounding heart
and the heart ceasing beating
the puke
the shaking and trembling
the hyperventilating
and the not breathing
I relive it everyday
I just wish it would leave me alone
I don't want to remember the misery
the dying
the pain on my parent's faces
it terrifies me when I think about that night

I write my heart out
my feelings I was beginning to doubt
then I came here
filled with fear
but came my way was not abuse or hate
it gave me the motivation to create
so kind a community
my heart no longer performed an emotional mutiny
I bared my soul to this place
your kindness shone onto my face
you have all been so nice
and it didn't come with a price

my love is tenacious
once I fall in love
the feeling is not
quick to fade
it clings to my heart
and sinks its claws in
my love is tenacious
once I fall in love
it hits me in the face
like a ton of bricks
my love is strong
sometimes too strong
where I love someone
who does not
deserve my affection

they say home is where the heart is
then my heart must be a nomad

my heart is with my mom's ****** jokes
with my dad's infectious laughter
with my mom's kindness
with my dad's dumb humor
with my cats and their spunky attitude
with the sunsets setting the sky ablaze
with every word I write
pouring out of my soul

they say home is where the heart is
then my heart must be a nomad
because I find something to love in everything

You've gone through a lot
that much is true.
You've attempted to end your life
the outcome never as you wanted.
But soon enough you'll appreciate life
and the joys of being alive.
The road to recovery is a tough and long one
but it's one you're willing to take.
You haven't self-harmed in over 80 days
I know you can't fathom that.
Self-harm was your lifeline
in the awful house you lived in.
Yes, past tense, lived in
you escaped that hell of a house.
Your siblings have not
but they were always favored more.
You don't have many friends
but the ones you do are amazing.
Sadly, those friends live far away
but when you see them,
it's like you were never apart.
You still struggle with mental health
but you're getting better and stronger.
Life is more enjoyable now
even though we never wanted to be alive this long.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm still alive.
- Liam

I have officially graduated
I thought I feel a change
after it happened
but I feel the same
nothing feels different
I was more excited about it
than I thought I would
I stood in line
in a hot gown
I walked across that stage
in front of all those people
filling up the gymnasium
I got my diploma
and walked out that school
as a graduate
my highlight was
I got to hug my favorite teacher
and express how much he did for me
and how grateful I am for him
he saved my life
and kept me in school
I cannot express
how much he helped me
and kept me going

the pale lucent moon in the sky
glowing so beautifully
little stars enraptured by it
people stop and stare
no camera could do the
pale lucent moon's beauty
any justice

the letters form in my head
colliding to form words
but they don't make sense
and the page stays blank
just when I think I've got it
it wiggles out of my grasp
and writer's block wraps me
in its shackles

8 years of therapy
therapist after therapist
nothing worked
I gained all the skills I needed
at psych wards
I never used the tools given
from the psych wards
but today is the day
therapy is not helpful
for me
but I will write my new beginnings
use the skills
do research
take my meds
and heal
I will do it by myself
because I have learned
that I am the only person
that I can rely on

one day I'll find my soulmate
I'll marvel at their eyes
so blue and deep like the ocean with waves that brush up against the damp sand
or so green and mysterious like the endless forest with echoes of birds calling out to each other
or so brown and bright like the earth that brings forth life and beauty
I'll write poems about their smile and their laugh
like the sun shone from their lips like the sound of ecstasy
I'd write never-ending ballads about their heart
so abundant with love
a kind word to say about everybody
one day I'll find my soulmate
and I'll love them like they've never been loved before

the way you talk enraptures me
all I can focus on is you
and listen to what you saying
your big brown eyes
are mesmerizing
you have such a bright
and happy personality
you're so kind and funny
your art is incredible
your smile is infectious
and beautiful
I've never met someone like you

I tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear
you cup my jaw
and bring my lips to yours
our legs intertwined
I kiss you like my life depends on it
our breath becomes one
your warm body presses against mine
then I wake up all alone
in my bed
the room dark
loneliness creeps in
sadly, it was just a dream

I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell
or maybe I'm overthinking
I can't tell
but to ask you
you might lie
to save my feelings
you went from giving me
your time of day
and conversation flowed
like a river
now I initiate everything
and you seem distant
I hate this feeling
the not knowing
the feeling I ruined everything
I could ask you
how you feel
but would it change anything?
maybe it would confirm
my worst fears
that you lost feelings
due to my insecurities
pressuring you to make
a decision
I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell

yes, I'm a poet
and I'm proud of it too
but reality sinks in letting me wallow in self-pity
I'll always be the poet
never a poem
I'll write about their eyes
their laugh
their perfect imperfections
but no one will capture my laugh
my smile
my beautiful flaws
I will always be a poet
but never a poem
I will write about beauty and grace
about love and heartache
but no one will turn me into a poem
I am stuck giving people words
and never getting any in return

as I travel along my healing journey
a thought nags in the back of my mind
what if my poems suffer
because I'm no longer suffering
what if my pain made masterpieces
and without it I'm nothing
what if I lose my writing ability
because I lost the agony
I don't want to suffer
but poetry is such a big part of me
my pain made it flourish
but what if I cannot do that any longer
I want to be known for my poetry
what am I without it
my pain helped my art
it made the words fly
out of my mind
but I will not let pain be my only motivator
I will find beauty in the world and in myself

are people born broken
that's what I ask myself

sure, there are always people
who have been traumatized
who have been beaten down
and turned into monsters
to the point of no return
where they inflict the torture
they've endured onto others

but can they be born evil
already a monster from the womb
have a beautiful life
or at least a good life
with a loving family
and still turn out messed up
can you abuse and torture others
for the fun of it
with no reason why you do what you do

nature has such a mellifluous sound
birds chirping to one another
branches swaying in the wind
streams trickling down the ground
nature has such a mellifluous sound

the sun streams through the window
the sunflowers and daffodils
sway in the breeze
raw honey drips
down from the honeycomb
sour lemons squeezed
to make lemonade
sweet light cornbread
warm fresh from the oven

every day is the same
I play a game with my family
they kick me around
and I cry out
but they don't seem to hear
I try my hardest to win
the game
I want to be the best for them
if I don't win
my family kicks me more
and throws me around
they curse at me
for not being good enough
every day I try to be the best
but they still kick me
please mommy
please daddy
it hurts
please stop
they don't listen
so I'll hide in the dark
when they're done with me
and pray that next time
they'll be kinder
maybe next time
I'll make my mommy and
daddy proud

Staring at my reflection
Thinking that I’m dumb
And picking out every flaw I own
Staring into the distance knowing I’m wrong
Tearing myself apart and not eating a crumb
Trying to lose weight and walking endlessly
To try and scare the pounds away
Disappointing my bio mother and not making her proud
All I want from my parents are love and acceptance
But instead I get backstabbed
Blocking out reality and staying up ‘till midnight
Writing stories and leaving them unfinished
I wish to be heard but I’m left in the dark
Crying in my sleep and being abandoned
Complaining that it isn’t fair won’t make it better

walking on eggshells in that lonesome house
your mood was capricious
I was scared of you and your anger
one moment you were fine and agreeable
then if I said the wrong thing
you would fly into a fit of rage
I never knew what was the right thing
or wrong thing to say
anything could set you off
and I was your victim
it was always me
you hated for some reason
no longer do I live with you
and your capricious mood

my sweet baby Caesar
orange fur flying around
deep grumbly purr
light green eyes
judgmental and cuddly
introverted and quiet
you were taken far too soon
we'll miss you buddy
my caesar salad
my gingersnap snickerdoodle
my chicken nugget
we love you Caesar
rest easy now
the pain you were in is gone

Anxious
Oh, so anxious
my heart hammers in my chest
making my body sway
making my arms shake
I tremble and wobble
my mind a tornado of thoughts
my stomach churning and roiling
like a treacherous stormy sea
Anxious
Oh, so anxious
my breath is shallow
the breathing techniques aren't working
what do I do
panic rises up my throat
I feel detached from reality
everything sounds muted
like I'm not really there
all in my own world
as my anxiety threatens to overtake me

I walk through the halls
like a forgotten ghost
everyone looks through me
like they can't see me
but to be honest
it's better if they don't see me
because when they do
the things they say
oh, the things they say
hurt like a knife to the chest
the pounding of my heart
spills the blood of anger
and seeping sadness
and splatters on the walls

oh, how I wish to press a kiss upon your lips
oh, how I wish to nuzzle my head into the crook of your neck
oh, how I wish to embrace you
and feel your warmth seep into my skin
oh, how I wish to entangle my hands in your hair
oh, how I wish to entwine my fingers with your
oh, how I wish to be called yours
but alas, this is a dream
a fantasy
it isn't the right time to tell you
oh, how I wish for my confession of love
to glide out of my mouth
and into your ears
oh, how I wish my confession is reciprocated
but alas, this is a dream

these words bubble up in my throat
but i push them all down
if i don't
then i'll lose control
screams rattle inside my skull
but i never voice them
for fear of not stopping
i have so much to say
so much anger to express
but it isn't a good idea
i don't want to be like them
they were volatile
and as unstable as dynamite
i don't want to become violent
and see their faces in my reflection

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than the water of the womb

I think I want to live
for the first time in my life
I want to be alive
I'm finally living
instead of surviving

they say opposites attract
however
when I'm attracted to my opposite
it never ends well
however
you are like me
we both like
writing poetry
the color purple
drawing
painting
and listening to
non-modern music
we are so alike
you are so carefree
I love how we're similar
it adds to my love for you
maybe opposites attract
but I'm happy with you
someone who is like minded

I have always been the gifted child
overachiever and overworking myself
desperate for approval
if I get good grades, maybe my parents will love me
get straight A's
get on the honor roll
be the top of my class
a B is the same as an F
you drilled that into me
my worth was dependent on my grades
if I wasn't the best, I was worthless
I hold these messages to this day
no matter how detrimental they are to me
now staying a the top and the best grades is a struggle
I can't be the perfect child anymore

I plunge into the cold water
it drags me down
my lungs constrict
as the water fills them
my mind is empty
it feels so nice
to have a quiet head
maybe I'll stay here
down at the bottom of the ocean
my eyes start to flutter shut
then I remember
I have all these people that care about me
who love me
and don't want me dead
I wanted to be better
want to be better
my eyes snap open
and I begin to swim to the surface
my lungs welcome
the fresh crisp air
my head bobs above the ocean
as I swim with all my might
to the shoreline
I finally make it
my lay against the sandy beach
as I rest my weary bones
and heavy heart
healing will come
rest up
before your next begins

I have come to love you
and yet I don't believe
that you know the
hold you have on me
every notification on my phone
I check to see if it's you
if it's not
then I am saddened
if it is you
then a smile lights up my face
you don't understand
the hold you have on me
you have my heart
it is yours
please keep it
for your words are the life
to keep my heart beating
in such little time
you have a hold on me
I hope one day
you'll be mine
but at this moment
I am content in being your friend
I want you to know
my love for you
but it is too soon
and I don't want to scare you away
from my swift intense feelings

what if I'm so anxious
because I'm focusing on all the things
I'll say goodbye to
when I could be thinking about
all the things I'll say hello to
I'm saying goodbye to lots of things
but I'm saying hello to even more

something I thought was unattainable
like the fruit Tantalus couldn't grab
just out of reach
torturing me
with the proximity

now I grew stronger
and I grasped the fruit
I cradle it to my chest
never letting it go

I won't allow myself to crash back into the pool
begging to reach the fruit

red
red
red
blood no longer dripping from your skin
sweet raspberries crushed in my mouth
roses swaying in the breeze
tomatoes thrown from an audience
chili peppers stinging your tongue
pomegranate juice dripping down your chin
lipstick smeared on your lips
red
red
red

what's going on in that beautiful mind?
cause all of me loves all of you
loves your curves and all your edges
I need someone to know
someone to heal
someone to have, just to know how it feels
let me show you love
I need somebody to who can love me
at my worst
no, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth
cause, it's only you, nobody new
I'd climb every mountain
and swim every ocean
just to be with you
you were a thief, you stole my heart
I met you in the dark, you lit me up
we danced the night away
I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know
cause, honey, your soul could never grow old
it's evergreen
baby, your smile's forever in my mind
and memory
I'm thinking about how people
fall in love in mysterious ways

when I love someone
I don't want to love their
gender or their skin
I want to love them
their laugh
their smile
their eyes
their humor
their kindness
their thoughtfulness
their talents
their skills
I want to love them
for them
not a made up version
of them
I want them to be theirself
and be proud
they don't need to be
a girl
or
a boy
or
gender nonconforming
I will love them
for them
and what they look like
does not matter
"I don't love a body,
that's just skin and bones,
not somebody"

anxiety runs through my veins
self-destructive thoughts swirl in my head
my hands tremble
tears blur my vision
bone deep loneliness sends chills down my body
I feel so alone
I text people
but it's all in vain
I get left on delivered
for hours upon hours
a heaviness settles in my chest
maybe they don't want anything to do with me
maybe they were pretending to be my friend
maybe I'm annoying them with my problems
maybe I'm nothing to them
tears spill down my face
I hold in my sobs
my phone taunts me
with the texts marked as delivered
I can't do this
I feel so alone
I feel like a burden
with all this overthinking

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than
the water of the womb

my own flesh and blood
have let me down
countless times

however the family
I have made along the way
have helped me
more times than
I've been let down by blood

the familial ties I have now
will last me longer than
any blood relations

my hands graze the keyboard
words swirl like a whirlwind in my mind
stuck in a cage
held captive
the words can't escape
my hands graze the keyboard
then shut the laptop off
why?
my efforts are fruitless
with the writers block
holding my down

I am grateful for my parents
how they're always there for me
listening to me when I'm sad
giving me hugs to make me feel better
how they make me laugh when I'm about to cry

I am grateful for my poetry
how it got me through dark times
and is with me during the happy times
always there to help me express my feelings
how it kept me afloat in the sea of depression

I am grateful for my friends
how they're there for me
as I am there for them
how they make me laugh
and we can share anything without judgement

empathy
something I struggle with
I'm not heartless
or lacking kindness
I just don't know how
to put myself in other's shoes
I can't see their pain
in their perspective
I see it my way
not theirs
it's a struggle
I want to be understanding
but I just can't
I wish I could be
more empathetic
but alas
I'm just a misunderstood fool