people say self love is important
I need to love myself
I want to...
love myself
such a revelation
however,
it seems so difficult

I have told my whole life
to make myself smaller
that I was worthless
and no one would/should
love me

I was beaten down my whole life
to the point that
it seems unattainable
to love myself
I want to love myself
but I don't know how

I look at myself and
all I see are flaws
I pick out
everything that it deemed
a mistake or unwanted

I want...
no, I need to love myself
but how do I start
I feel so lost

how do I begin
to love myself
and not want to change
everything I see in the mirror

how do I shut down all
the voices saying I need
to change
to lose weight
to do this
to do that

I want to be me
and love myself
without being unauthentic

the circus clowns were sad
their pain made the people laugh
so every day
they painted their faces
with outrageous colors
and wore ridiculous costumes
they got onto the stage
in front of all those people
they fueled their sadness
into humor
and tricks
the people laughed and laughed
when the circus clowns show was over
they put on normal clothes
and removed their face paint
they lay in bed at night
and cry themselves to sleep
in the morning
they have another show
so they use the face paint as a mask
to hide away their pain

every day is the same
I play a game with my family
they kick me around
and I cry out
but they don't seem to hear
I try my hardest to win
the game
I want to be the best for them
if I don't win
my family kicks me more
and throws me around
they curse at me
for not being good enough
every day I try to be the best
but they still kick me
please mommy
please daddy
it hurts
please stop
they don't listen
so I'll hide in the dark
when they're done with me
and pray that next time
they'll be kinder
maybe next time
I'll make my mommy and
daddy proud

what do you want he asks
I want to collect the pieces
of your soul
and hold them close to my chest
I want to memorize your laugh
so I can replay it in my head
on nights I feel lonely
I want to listen to every word
that comes out of your mouth
and become enraptured by
your sentences
and listen like I'm going
deaf never to hear your voice again
what do you want he asks
I want you

"what we don't need in the midst of struggle
is shame for being human"
I have learned to keep my feelings
to myself
I have been taught that
my struggles are shameful
or attention seeking
but that is not the case
being shamed made me feel
like my emotions weren't valid
or that it wasn't something
that should be talked about
but that is not something
to be taught to children
cuz emotions are valid
feelings and coping skills
are valid
but you can't grow and heal
if you won't allow yourself
to express how you feel
you'll just struggle more
is you ignore those feelings
it is not shameful
to feel what you feel
the people who made you
feel that way
should be shamed
for hindering you from healing

red
red
red
blood no longer dripping from your skin
sweet raspberries crushed in my mouth
roses swaying in the breeze
tomatoes thrown from an audience
chili peppers stinging your tongue
pomegranate juice dripping down your chin
lipstick smeared on your lips
red
red
red

I have officially graduated
I thought I feel a change
after it happened
but I feel the same
nothing feels different
I was more excited about it
than I thought I would
I stood in line
in a hot gown
I walked across that stage
in front of all those people
filling up the gymnasium
I got my diploma
and walked out that school
as a graduate
my highlight was
I got to hug my favorite teacher
and express how much he did for me
and how grateful I am for him
he saved my life
and kept me in school
I cannot express
how much he helped me
and kept me going