i can feel the blood in my veins rotting.
i reek of the everlasting stench of self loath.
so maybe i can drink out the smell of my delicate lungs rotting away.
before i become chained to this prison of a body

my fire was blown out by the words you carefully whispered in my ear each morning.
the day my fire went out became the day your chains bound me to your love, and held me in place slowly feeding me pain and heartbreak

i can feel myself leaving you,
piece by piece i stray further.
i dont want to lose you but i dont know how to keep you,
safe and healthy in these arms of mine.
but im trying, im trying to fix everything.
im sorry i made your home feel unsafe.
im putting in more security cameras to help.

I breath in the timeless beauty of the pictures we took.
allowing my lungs to fill with the memory of your laugh, and the bittersweet taste of your lips.
I find myself sketching your features into my ceiling each night, allowing myself to see your ocean blue eyes again.  
in the deepened hours of the morning i lay away, my bed cold, your spot empty, unsafe.
come home.
i miss you.

sometimes loving someone hurts more than losing them.
let go.

the coldest of nights turn into brute warm moments, between the beloved.
the intimacy of a single glance, a singe touch, a single word.
the entanglement of bodies matching the entanglement of hearts.
oh isnt it amazing to be entangled with the one you love, and yearn for.

i want to touch the bluest of skies.
i want to sink my feet into the deepest earth.
i want to soak in the bluest of oceans.
i want to taste the sweetest of foods.
i want to hear the most beautiful of melodies.
so lets go on an adventure.
i want to feel so big
yet
so
small.
as long as its with you.

sometimes i cant help but wonder,
if the way i say your name leaves shivers in your spine,
if the way i whisper carelessly makes you feel safe,
if the way i push your glasses back up makes you feel small,
i cant help but wonder these things because i know how these things make me feel.
but how do they make you?

are you fighting for her or fighting for me
when you think of those eyes, whose do you see?
when you think of that voice, whose is the perfect key?
if you saw us both, would you run to me?
theres two sides to this battle,
and sadly i cant see,
where in the world,
you would choose me.

theres a certain simplicity about us that gives me pink and purple butterflies.
the way you can write about me in vivid colors, when the world around you is in black and white.
they way you fight battles for me, against yourself and me.
the simple way our hands fold together, or the way your last name fits perfectly with my first.
we're simple, intertwined by a simple red string at the tips of our fingers.
to help us home,
to the end of time.

I find myself laying awake in the middle of the night wishing I was her.
not for how she looks
or her smile
or her laugh,
but for the way you look at her.

i crave the feeling of your love rushing through me.
i want to be breathless,
my lungs begging for your words to replace mine.
i long for the piercing stare, the harsh tone, the wandering hands.
i long for you.
for your special kind of love,
made up of choked gasps and scratched backs.

i long for you while you long for me.  
and all we can do is sit in the back of the classroom, writing poetry.

I long to get lost in the constellations in your eyes
let me drown away my sorrows in the Milky Way.
for once I'm in those beautiful constellations,
I get lost in you.
all because of star gazing into those breathtaking eyes.

sometimes I think of the days we sat on my front porch to watch the sunset.
I think of the days you cried in my mothers arms
the days we drank coffee and sat in my backyard
I think of these days and a certain kind of pain arises in me.
a sort of longing pain, a longing for what you once were.
a pain for the person that befriended me at my lowest and healed me to my best.
but no matter the pain, I will never long for what we once had.
I long for you.
not for us.

youre intoxicating so i go to school drunk and come home hungover craving your lips even more than before.
so hand me the bottle and lets gunshot another round,
because its misery to me when youre not around

I can still feel the way your eyes burnt into me.
the way your lips traced every curve of my body.
the way you held me.
I can still feel you, and your presence
but to you I'm a stranger, and nothing more than that.
a stranger that once kissed you with ever ounce of passion they had.
a stranger that spent hours, days, months, years even, studying ever scar, ever mark, every way your body moved.
but of course, strangers do that.
I'm just the stranger that walks around with your deepest secrets.

I get it.
the way red rivers flow
the way revines scar across your skin
the way your heart shatters and slashes your lungs
the way you get pushed last on the list
the way your smile fades when you see them
ive been there, I promise.
I understand your pain, your emptiness, your lack of hope
I understand you, and you're not alone.
you're never alone
I'm always here
you're okay angel

i fall to my knees upon your thorns,
and you still dont want me.

not even after i picked out every spike with blood ridden fingertips.
how selfless of me..
to think youll want me

even though our world fell apart,
i can still look into your eyes and call them home..

The day before last I dreamt of you.
My hands in your hair while a movie played.
I realized It was a dream when I woke up,
And realized youd never want me.

I made a playlist for you once,
made of all the memories you have poured into me.
you've heard it before, not knowing it was made of my love for you.
the songs I sing to you, the words I quote to you, they all come from this simple playlist
consisted of the sparks you've ignited in me.

i sit in my living room, surrounded by the people that find me utterly perfect.
but all i can do is think of how 'perfect' i was to you,
though there was always someone more perfect wasnt there.
cause if i was your definition of perfect you wouldnt be calling him that.

these are the days were the voices grow louder than my own thoughts
were the feeling of postmortem flutters through my head like a butterfly,
allowing my childhood thoughts to chase after it, with hope and light in their eyes
and all I can do is watch the light fade and the memories dissipate into thin air.
allowing myself to fall deeper and deeper into the thought

of postmortem.

i feel like i'm stranded.
i'm lost at sea.
i'm so sad cant you see.
you've hurt me more than once and i cant let it go.
i'm in pain and its starting to show.
so i'll shove it down again and again.
but it'll always come back to me

                    again
and
                               ­    again

im simply a flower in a childrens book.

people pick off my petals to find out if their one true love
.... loves them not.

im simply a flower,
with brightly colored petals that can drift on a summer breeze.

simply i wither in the cold winter months,
becoming prone to the monsters that hide under my bed.

im simply a flower,
delicate and pretty yet when you look at me long enough you can see the rough dented ridges.

im simply your flower, so take care of me. im oh so delicate,
i hope you can see.

dont pick off my petals to know if i love you, just know that i grow under the moonlight of your love.

so youll never need to know by ripping me apart,
just know ill plant seeds in your heart.

through all the tears and superstitions all i can tell myself is

"he'll never hurt me"

I've lived thousands of lives
walked thousands of places
talked to thousands of people
loved thousands with all my heart.
yet if I could do it all again,
I would chose to love you, even if its just for a second.

as i laid there, my whole body shaking
struggling to breath
to talk
to hold my dinner down
you held me to your chest and sang.
and in that moment i realized
i fell even more in love with you
than the day i became,
the one you call your own