i loathe
pity
and weakness

(you know this)

they threaten my peace
they counter my core

you are both

you are nothing

you are the me
that i fear

your pain
is my pain
share it with me
we can carry it
together

every ball
i've tossed in the air
is on its way
back down

Trees flying by
disappear only after a moment

Leaving you and everything else we had
beyond my horizon

all hope i had
turned into the reality
of paths
of life
living

circumstance..
all i believe in
how our paths are true
how we go in the right direction for ourselves
this is what took you away from me
not hate or jealousy
but the divergence of two paths

at this moment
i can only try to understand
how things work the way they should
because i can't believe that now

i had imagined what we would be
upon your arrival
things to come
things we'd do
just me being with you
but now everything is blank
i can't see my future
i'm returning home to uncertainty

yes, i'll be fine
i can breathe
but all the things you could have fed to my heart
go with you now
as you wind your way down breezy roads
sun shining
smiling

it's like trying to stop a waterfall
you can't
it just flows
I try to stop
try to block you
but i can't
it just flows

i'm weary
i'm torn apart

this past day
reminded me
how good i had it with you
how wonderful it feels to be with you
and how much i'm going to miss it all
and it's not fair
i had no time
i was unprepared
but you're not coming back
and part of me isn't coming back either

my body
rejects my sadness
hardens me instead

stroking your ego
is the work
of a weak woman

relentless things:

time
truth
love

what does this mean
for me and you
when i
still can’t tell the truth?

infinite stars
light my sky

hiding your darkness
hiding mine

tolerance, indifference, a fog
how easy it is
to slip back in
and forget
this burning for freedom

my stomach
can barely tolerate
going through the motions

i did try
and
unfortunately
you're not
the guy
so
bye.

i think
you're just someone
who tolerates me

but

i'm not sure
there is anyone else
who would

we always meet
in the same spot
in my dreams

our gazes
meet
and
my smile,
sleek shy grin
is the beaming
of my heart
that cannot be contained

one by one
the lights come on
until
the city sparkles

stayed in bed
longer
this morning
to savor
my daydreams
of you

i think about you
shamefully
when
most likely
you're not
thinking about
me

on the last new moon
i asked the empty sky
to show me the way

and here today
i sit on the eve
of a full moon sky

grateful
with
my
knowing heart

we have to preserve this
at any cost
i will live a million
pretend fake painful lives
to live one
real one
with you

i'm not sure
what
you were expecting
but
you got
me

i thought
it was
you

escaping the light
truths
not yet ripe

the suggestion
the night
the time
the fight

your eyes
told me
of
your
plight

freedom
like
smoke

a connection
erased

layers
on top

rules
you
made up

just
throw
it
away

emergency
the abyss
we finally faced it
and i
stumbled back
unable to contemplate
that next
tumbling
step

our love
aligned us
for a moment

an eclipse

at first
we moved
towards each other

and now
we are moving
apart

today
i felt
the void
between us

echoes
of loving words
fading

is there
a moment
when
you're not
on my
mind?

and if
i admit it
am i
weak
because
i need
you?

this
is not
logical

i know

but
this is
my fear

that book
scared me
because
how did you
know
that
i needed it?

belief
makes it
real

there's no void
or self pity
no yearns
or regrets

how many

.times.

can you learn the same lesson?

writing thoughts
deleting thoughts
anger flares
and then subsides
love blooms
and fades
you’re hot
and then you’re cold
you want me
but you don’t

is it
a human
pattern?
a species’
self-torture?

the plot
to transform
my heart
into
dust

people
succumb
to less

i am settling
for
less

i once yearned for
less

when I felt like
less

but
maybe i'll realize

i
am
more

i'm slowly building
enough courage
to take
the first step

disappeared.
again.

i thought you were
my friend.

your love is beautiful
(in theory)

our union
is magical
(in theory)

this love
will
last forever
(in theory)

all
of your
self fulfilling prophesies
(that i once defended you from)
drowning in fear
insecurity
weakness
and ultimately
your soul’s darkness

are
coming
true

and
it’s a
relief

to let you
be
what i see

and
for everyone else
to
know

you are
those things
not because of who you are
but
what you allowed yourself
to become

while it's true
you inspired
my open eyes

from here
my pursuit of freedom
has to be
just for me

just so you know
i would have given it all up
to be with you

and just so you know
i would still
go
if you asked me


but
i understand

i don't know
what to hope for anymore
except
an answer

i'm watching you
from over here
perched on the highest peak

leaning
straining
for a glimpse of you

i'm tired
of moving these mountains around
trying to be near you

but i still feel you
love you
even from afar

sabotage
sabotage
my favorite
self-infliction

can't you just
stop
being in denial

open your **** eyes
and help me
say the words
i haven't been able to

but i guess
what could i expect
from the person
who thinks
they still love me?

you lost me
when
you
betrayed me

and now
you
ruined me

i don't know
if
i'll ever
come back to you

once they came
the flowing tears
covered all of me

they would not stop

mourning

burying you

i'll just be here
waiting
to give you
my love

what we
are going through
is painful

and beautiful

embracing sadness
with grace

holding hope

and accepting the path


letting you go


...
but not losing you

are you ready
to give in
to
goddess magic?

all the way up
and
all the way back down
again
and again

i waited
in vain
but i learned
something:

never
again