It's right there
All I have to do is close my hand
But it's me, always me
Too scared, built on fear
Everything is too much
Retreat, if not, TEAR
Burn bridges, just run

Everything I wanted
Let me have it all
A silver platter
I'll knock it down
See it clatter
Dent it, all
Break it

One more time
Shattered

I want it so bad
Something healthy
Pure and fine
Silvered lining
Completely
And mine

Someday in Heaven
All these choices
Be clear
Right now
Too close

It's anxiety's fear
What would I do?
Who could I be?
Something he sees
I'm afraid it's not me

What if he's right?
I could be what I love
If happiness is so near
How do I cope?
Where would I run?
To him, arms open wide
To have and to hold?

Could he really still what I hide?
All my demons inside?
My mother's voice
Raising concern, harping
Shrill and painful

Raising doubt
Making me hate
Scared of myself
Bringing strife
Encouraging lies

It's powerful
Like a mantra
Saying something
Simple like
I am

But it's more than
Not the declaration
No, not that, different
Its meaning clear
More pure
Always
Be

Who I am
Accepting, learning
Yearning, growth,
Sometimes
Despair

To see myself
Through I jaded eyes
To forgive my mistakes
Without pause, only praise
Why can't it be me?

Why can't i simply be?

Eruption
An explosion
Another,
Then again
Again and AGAIN

The moon was up,
maybe the tide was down
a sea wall crumpled a little yesterday
cracks, careful now
glimpsing truth
simple and uncut
maybe the first

It brought some words
spoken here, back and forth
no yell, not hate, opinions
and again, I fell
falling, tumbling

Its not up to me
There is no help
Head over heels
Completely in love
a whirlwind,
hurricane,
tornado spin

I took her once,
She spoke return
Here and again,
Touching, loving
Until, at last spent

but then it was again,
her softness of skin
drove me to pleasures
fleshed, desperate desire
an intimate of love

More, again and more
Late in the night,
early into the morn
stopping for breaks
again, once again more
scratches and light bites
visit the morn

Never to have had
a woman so mine
if I could give her
the world, but
maybe my soul

Unconditionally
Without condition
The more I think
This is the easiest
To live, all forgiven

Mistakes are like rain
Evaporating in the sun
What chance does a drop have
Against the warmth, sweet blaze?
It's a nothing, just a drop

To give oneself,
Unconditionally
Is the greatest freedom
A positive motion
Steps, one by one

Unslaved, there is nothing to hide
No embarrassment so great
A bit of soul to hide, no shame
It's the hardest thing to begin
But love forgives, breathes

It's new life, birth of hope
Prayers, delivered, a peace
Distractions fall to the side
Nothing more than what they were
Easily wiped away, nothing; no blame

Some small parts bring pain
Harder to deny, but to swim
Overwhelmed by love
Great, pulsing heart's force
It's spectacular, leaving awe

Touch your hair, massage and laugh
Kisses in the morning, holding that
A quick moment everyday, all day
And to return to you
I'll want nothing more

Live my life on my terms
Society is a hellish thing
I eat, sleep and with every breadth
Your scent is my motivating blanket
With three simple words, I am.

Your heartbeat is my earth
Eyes become the skies, I soar
Your unprovoked touch
Electricity, brings life
In life, you are my dream

There are no conditions
You can be whoever you want
Explore yourself, your soul
I would hold your hand
Raise you when you are down

Bring smiles to your lips,
Grease broad laughs and
Tease honey from your kiss
In every moment
Who you want to be

Let me be there
I want to give you this
A special gift
Rare and pure
All my vows

Does it make a difference?
If a heart beats, confused for another
The physical need denied
Or if the emotional indulged?
Can you simply be, without meaning

Sending letters back and forth
Electronic symphonies of pleasure
Asking of me the things I would never admit

My imagination flies, tie me, take me, take me
It's all just a dream, lucid, guilty pleasures
I know it's not love, a distraction, attention
I'm so alone, why can't I speak?
Reaching out to strangers, rocking hips to their pretty words

Forgive me, this is not me
Slutting me for the perverse
But, deep inside, I want
Turning me from true
Giving lie to all I've worked for

I want this, attention long denied
That I could never admit to face
It was nothing, I tell myself
Just words to a penpal, ******
But less than mine
To this, I think maybe, please
Let it have meant less to me

I showed myself, lithe, smiling, fine
Gave pictures of family, home, life
Did it still mean nothing
Opening the person, me, mine
I didn't stray, it was innocent!

But more personal than I want to admit
Reading back, looking through saves
How did this happen, I am not this person
What do I find? New truths? An inside denied?
Sifting, I realize that they were saved
The pictures made me his *****
But I saved them all, to read again

I had wanted this, confused at the time
I shred the letters, burn the ink
I want no trace, not who I am
Not what I want to be
Romantic, timeless love

This is what I need to be
So I close the book
Prepare to spill
Clean my quill
Forgive me, my love
How could you, I cry
I am *****, unclean

I want to tell him
Pour it all out
Tears and truths
Blending and clean
My tortured soul

It eats at me
Not to say
I want truth
Trust, something pure
But to say, just might
Ruin, prove my shame
To myself

True love wouldn't understand
It couldn't, I say
Nothing's unconditional
I am the unclean
Tainted, wasted, mean

How could he see me again?
Could I really tell him it all?
Would he look me in the eye?
He has said before, this maybe test
He would love me forever
Hold me safe, keep me clean
Can I trust, is that my real need?

My tendency to secret
A mother's gift to me
Manipulate and destroy
Drive men all away
I never wanted this

I wanted to be different
Loving, beautiful and safe
Not lies, deep inside
Worse, he might never know
It would make me slowly die

Kindness is strength
Not a weakness
Nothing to exploit
I, elemental, fickle, devine

Make with mine
You'll be pressed
To find sanctuary
No peace, confined

Drive you mad
My hands deep in your chest
Fingers dig, pressure
Claw and rip

Tear out your heart
Eat it and dine
Strangle you
With your veins

Bleed you
Drink, delish
Leave you
Empty and dry

Flay off your skin
Maybe wear it for a time
Scalp your head
A torch in your mind

Slowly I'll play
Covered in blood
Oh, it's not mine
Helpless, he's mine

Carve up your toes
Cut fingers and sack
Feed you your *****
Burn out your eyes

Better you be
Should you stray
I'll be there waiting
Smiling, out back

Everyday
No matter the fight
However the mood
I tell you so much
Power is lost from the words

A romantic, sometimes
Broken hearted
But always, falling
To bloodied knees
Touching your face
A kiss, my love
To your lips, my Love

Dreams of your smile
Your softest touch
Just holding your hand
Touching your side
And pulling you close

I love you
Like the ocean
Can't control the dam
Like the highest mountains
Stretching for the skies
Like the moon and the stars
No heaven without you

Beats of my heart
A dance of the soul
Moon song's mournful cries
I want you in my arms
Need you close to my touch

I believe in you
Bright eyes when I first asked you
To be exclusively mine
To let me be just and only yours
I held you in my arms
And held you too long
Held you too tight

I remember when I asked you again
Surprise on your face
Tear in your eye
I asked you to love me
In a field, far from the lights

There was a starry night to witness
What better honor to love
Than twinkling lights
Ask you to marry me
Vow to preserve
Promise to love
Protect and help

Sometimes we fight
Brutal passions erupt
I split and desire
To take you
And hold

Wipe away your tears
Give you comfort
Devour your fears
I am not perfect
Sometimes I fail
But together
We strive

I love you like water
Overcoming and blind
You are my heart's song
My every tide
Every desire