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That Girl Jul 2020
Ever since the 5th grade I was “that girl.”
“That girl” that was always picked last for the team.
“That girl” who eats lunch alone in the hallway.
“That girl” who listens to her music on full blast.
Block out the thoughts that remind me of who I am.
“That girl.”
Nameless.
Easily forgotten.
What’s “that girl’s” name again?
Overshadowed.
Cropped out of photos.
Cut out of memories.
It won’t be long until I’m no longer “that girl.”
I’ll just be “that girl” everyone has forgotten about.
I’ll be nothing.
That Girl Jun 2020
It’s that time again.
It’s 2am again.
It’s time to look to the right side of my bed and feel sad.
It’s time to wonder why it’s still empty.
It’s time for me to make a list of why it is empty.
It’s time for me to be ******* myself.
It’s time for me to wonder where I went wrong.
It’s time for me to make a list of all my mistakes.
It’s time to feel sorry for myself.
It’s time for me to break my own heart.
Again.
It’s time for me to play over what men have said to me in the past.
It’s time for my old tinder messages to haunt me.
“Unless I can eat that *** and ***** from the back before marriage Christian girls aren’t as fun.”
“Would you be interested in a nice thick 8 inch ****?”
“I’m looking for a more physically intimate relationship.”
It’s time for me to remind myself the reason why my bed is empty.
Men want the one thing that I can’t give them,
And without my body I am nothing to them.
All I am is what’s between my legs and what’s under my shirt.
And with my legs crossed and my top on,
what could I possibly offer them?
It’s time for me remember that while my choice maybe the right choice,
It’s also the lonely choice.
It’s time for me to remember that even though it feels like it’s my fault,
It’s not.
It’s time for me to daydream until I fall asleep.
Again.
That Girl Feb 2020
I’ve never had a boyfriend.
Not even close.
But that has never stopped me from wanting one.
I use to think I needed one.
Like how could I possibly go through life without a guy by my side?
But here I am at 24 (almost 25) and still no one is around.
But now I realize that I never needed one.
I didn’t need one to make good grades or get my degree.
No that was all me.
I didn’t need one to go to prom.
And that’s because I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t need one to break my heart.
No. I could do that all on my own.
I wish I could fix my broken heart myself but I can’t.
But I still don’t need one to fix my brokenness.
God is fixing my broken heart.
I’ll let you know when He’s finished.
That Girl Feb 2020
A year ago I lost you.
A year ago I was mourning our friendship like I was mourning a death.
A year ago you probably felt it too.  
You might feel like I abandoned you,
But that’s far from the truth.  
Truth is,
I pray for you every night.
I think about you everyday.
I miss you.
I love you dearly.
But I couldn’t sacrifice my soul for our friendship.
I had to sacrifice our friendship for my soul.
That Girl Jul 2019
I’m like the update reminder on my computer
remind me in an hour...
remind me tonight..
remind me tomorrow...
later...
what happens when I update
will I perform better
or just be slower than before
is the update really worth the risk?
That Girl Jul 2019
Hello Depression. It's nice to finally meet you. You've been apart of me for awhile, but I'm just now finding out about you. Depression you make me feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm drowning in a lake with a sheet of ice above me. I'm under the ice. I see people walk by. I'm banging on the ice but it's just not breaking. I'm screaming but the more I scream the more water fills my lungs. I'm desperate for someone anyone to notice I'm struggling. I want someone to notice and to react. I want someone to be scared to lose me. I want someone to break the ice. To reach down and grab me and help me breathe again. I want to breath again. I want someone to be my reason to breathe. Breathe.

— The End —