"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

I want to tell you
that I can do without you.
But I'd be lying.

I teeter along a rickety old rope bridge,

high above savage waters.



I stop when I reach the center.



I look down between a gap in the wood planks.



This was a mistake.

I begin to shake.



I gaze behind me.

I see those gnarled, thorny

branches overlaying the foot of this bridge and beyond.



I stare intently at these heaps of thorns,

thinking of the number of times they sliced me,

how much I bled as I made my way here.



I glance down at my collection of cuts and scars.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply.


I am a survivor.



I

   Am

      Alive.



I open my eyes and look ahead.

I see a path, and though it is vast and grueling,

I know it leads to a different place whence I came.

New is good enough.




I hold my breath.

I take my next step.

The beginning is so unassuming
It's a faint desire to better oneself by
succumbing to "healthier" options both
mentally and physically
Or at least that's what we tell
ourselves

Once the introductions are over and
the pleasantries of obtainable goals
made, you become totally enamored by
the sense of accomplishment
That nagging whisper of assurance,
gratitude, and love keeps you
constantly striving for something
more
With that, the trap has been set

One goal turns to three, and three
turns quickly to ten
Now you are in the grips of an enticing,
vengeful, and all-consuming force that
is never satisfied
The whispers soon become screams
that berate your inadequacies and
open the floodgates for negativity
"Never Good Enough" becomes the
battle-cry of this addiction towards
self-deprecation

Intentions to stop are always there
However, chasing the ever elusive "last
goal" becomes your entire existence
You alienate yourself from any and all
who stand in the way of disordered
progress
Blinded by a strong conviction and
supposed self-improvement, you
cannot see the destruction ED craves
It devours every possible ounce of time
and energy a body has until there is
nothing left to give

Still not content, and louder than ever,
ED seeks complete annihilation and
your ultimate demise
Only through intervention,
enlightenment, and a shroud of hope
can the bond be broken with the beast
within
This clarity makes it possible to live
and fight another day

I Believe...Do You?

The reflection I see
Is blurry at best
Marred by the dots of doubt
That have no way to connect

I am trying to methodically regain a link
Into the feeling of "being me"
Learning to embrace the (beauty) of all the
fallible pieces,
That make up my identity

I have put my (body) through a torturous Hell
Trying to obtain an unreachable goal
Yet it still manages to be forgiving enough
To keep mustering up (strength)
As I journey to become whole

I do not know when inner peace will come
And silence the screaming beast within
Though I have found an urgent will to fight for
connection
And (respect) my true self again