okay.
so, i learn from trial and error.
once again.
i know that i need to assess and assemble,
gather and gamble,
toss and change
what it is that has me restless.
okay.
so, i learn that i need to enjoy time
alone
withdrawn
but i do that a lot
anyway.
use the past as a model
for what worked
and what was done
and look forward to
mistakes, love and those
moments
it feels good to be
alive.

all of me
wants to erase
the doubts
i've had all along
but you play
like a song
right in front of me
the same lines
repeat repeat
if you can't allow me to articulate what it is that upsets me
if you turn your back
while i have bent mine
you leave me with nothing left
but a cracked mind, crooked spine

when i don't know
where to fit
i fold in
it's there i can be or not
any shape
any design
i'll hold onto what i like
and learn to forgive
the colors i don't quite understand.
become my palette
become my welcomed sin
i'll wear it wear
this second layer of skin
i'll show you
in time
that all of this
is worth it

for a moment
on a Tuesday afternoon
I was nameless
and you were too
we held hands
and our breath
as we forgot how to exist
petals and blunt objects
in front of me
floating black
on my eyelids
nothing else i possessed
but aimless love
swimming in it
on the rock
looking out into the sea before me
i fell in love without pretense

lying on top
of doubt
and questions
i clung to the rock
clung to your side
and forgot
we existed for a moment

Summer
Always reminds me of
Your Olive skin
Caving in
Onto my chest
Petals broken in
Slowly curving out
In between the ribs
You always wore
The crown, my darling
And now I know
After staring straight
Into this memory
You always will

This city
Every square inch
Of pavement
Even the trees
Remind me of you
I lift my head
To see past it
Stare straight into another memory
But you-
You don't want to hear
About romance
Or how even brick
Breaks my heart
Because all I see in it
Is you.

One year
The span across my eyelids
The length from shoulder blade to shoulder blade
The inches between
(It) took time away from me
I lost all focus
I lost all need
I'm learning what it takes,
The building
Humble I am to the reprieve
Looking back now
I can be nothing but grateful.

it starts with your name
lay me down
so we can begin again
i kneel by your side
like a practice at the pulpit
swallowing whole sins you may have owned
beforehand
i stare straight past
all we have seen
because i want to believe
there's a lot more left
for you and i
so, show me this time
while i'm on the floor
while you have me
undivided, unhinged
knees bent toward
all my love for you
what it is
i just can't live without

hiding
kept you in hiding
slowly pining
down my palms
(for you)
for once, i give in
to secret
recoiling my blood
when i realize what i'm doing
but it's so easy
loving
well, maybe it shouldn't be
but it is
a persistent knocking
at my temples
i cannot help but feel the weight
of your knuckles tonight

Can't keep caring
For something that has stopped
Caring
So long ago
So long, then

If
You were not taken
I would take you
To the smallest parts
Of me
And place my hands
Over your heart
And tell you
(Once)
That you may have left
But you never left me
And I,
Never you

we lay in bed
and speak to the ceiling
through each other
to one another
and finally tell our feelings
to the placeholders in the walls
to the guilt inside our chests
you were meant for loving
and i am craving it
my arms around you
my mind intertwined in this sweet divide
of where you and i started
of where you and i hide
it's easy to lose
when you face the collide
but darling,
all i've ever wanted
was to be by your side

hung my head over your left shoulder
kissed every inch of your skin
as if those sins were clung to my lips
and all i want is to forget
and begin
again

She asks me to understand her grief
I sleep beneath it
A pillar of flowers I hang my head with
I am surrounded by your hurt
(Well, at least the noose was beautiful)
Darling, I would undress your wounds
If I could
Like them clean
Heal with my tongue until you had no more feeling
But love is fleeting
and I am no better than the next one
Bury my mind with petals
Burn my eyes in haste
I want to forget
What it felt like
To discover hate

*******,
You know how to break a woman
Bend the two halves in the palm of your hand
Just because you can
Tear the chest wide open
And do away with it
And on to the next pretty girl
With half the sense
To jump into bed
To jump into regret
But maybe I'm no better
Because I
I
Am too many things to you

Lonely tear
Drops
Tear inside my chest
And I swear I felt you
The entire day
Even though
You'll never be here again

slept between her thighs
for hours at a time
i could stay there all night
and you know i gladly would
but a woman has to keep some pride
am i right?
nowadays, i don't feel so right
but good god, i'm in love
(or I was)
and that should be enough
so i use my tongue to
lap up every apology
swallow it whole
even the stem
so that maybe one day
i can look past your sins
and call you

M I N E

And she said
"Sometimes things are dumb and that's okay"
And I realized then
I will never be afraid
To love
To love
(You)

you let me down
true
your sin lingers in my spine
sinks into my skin
and all i want to do is shake it
crush it up, my love
because you are still my love
and i don't want to love you
but it's the most natural act
so i look past the ache
and take it day by day
i want to see chunks of you
inside of me
swallowed you whole
whole
holy

no more
thinking
rest your head
and move on to the next
day
we all make mistakes
but we all make choices
and i want to make new choices
i want to surprise myself
i don't think i ever have
this opportunity is here
make it happen
make it count
you're on

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks everything
aside from you
in me
to be
the whole of myself

Trying to wrap my head around
your mistakes
and why you did
what you did
but the answers aren't coming
and she keeps singing
"you know, we could be great"
but if i'm taking inventory
you were never a sanctuary
but *******, you were so sweet for a couple months
but i know myself
and i could wallow in the small moments of good
and have it all overlook
what hurt you have caused
and **** it
I don't want to love you anymore
I don't even think I do
it's just that nights are hard
and with idle time, comes an idle mind
but you just can't be what i think about anymore.

i'm not ready
for another's headspace
and all that it takes
to love someone so hard
i see you lady
i see you and i want so badly to want to see you
but i just don't
lying next to you
is an effort
that i'm sure i could get at with practice
(as with most things)
but i have no patience now
the last girl who had my heart
has left me
scarred

i'd like to remember you
in the greatest light
how perfect your smile was
how firm you touched me
the way you laughed on the basketball court
the nights we made love and meant it
your rants about gardening
your voice lifting when you spoke confidently
your lips as you would recite every lyric to Lil Wayne
your mind as we would lay side by side
how warm your skin felt against mine
our mutual love for the secret Mexican spot
your blue, blue eyes
how soft they would stare at me
for a time
and god, i loved that time
you hated your hands
but oh, i loved them
you owned me
i was your map
for a time
and god, i miss that time
when your words breathed romance
and i felt drunk off what you were giving out
and you gave, and you gave, and you gave
and it felt insane
it felt free
it felt like i was in love

oh, i want to remember all this
and not your striped underwear on the floor
to the left of you
her legs tangled in your sheets
your head, cowered
eyes hung over the drapes of shame
we all felt
in different ways

don't make this the last thing i see from you
you decide that
you show me
if you want to

looking back
i remember the first day
you and i hung out alone together
it was early in the morning
and it was all for you
you, wearing your faded black levi's
along with nervous energy
running through your legs
into mine
i felt it
all the while
your green hoodie containing it all
in
i could hardly believe you were allowing me a shared space
at one time, i thought i was the luckiest girl
you gave me the People magazine that had haunted my entire childhood
good god, what is childhood
but wrecked hopes and defeat?
You captured it all perfectly between your teeth
and the gasp i let out when i opened your gift
but now god, what is now
but frustrations and held in sighs?
When i loved you, i wanted to die
when you loved me, i wanted everything

late night
up
making love to his voice
and his voice alone
but i am alone
realizing that we are done
your timid actions
i once deemed sweet
now seem young, spilling out deceit
and i now lay
in our defeat
more in my own
we took in our prime
when i thought i loved a saint
i was merely a fool
reciting out your lines
as a means to control
what out
comes
and i can only be humbled by this

"i want to be with you//i want to be used"

he sings
as i lay in the background
the piano hits the back of my skull
and i am grateful for the skin on skin contact
merely
you
your body beneath mine
and i remember what it felt like
to ******* endlessly into the night
and you?
i hope you do
i hope that single memory alone
haunts you
when you lay alone in your bed
late nights of longing
i wonder if you will miss me
if you already do

the young girl
the one with the beautiful face
and strong arms
the southern drawl
the voice that cut clear across all rooms
my room
i made room for you
because i wanted to
you told me tonight
that we never had had to fight
for one another
but you are wrong
see,
all this time
i fought for you
when all signs
said to leave
but i'm no good at leaving
i stuck through
endless parades
celebrating how awful
we were
i saw through
the guidelines
and threats
i took it all as a blind warning
because all i saw was you
you
you
the blonde child at war with herself
and all i wanted was to love you
wholly
holy
humbly
turned myself inside out for you
only to find that
you would throw it away
in a five minute bind
i hope it was worth it
i hope it was
what you needed
i hope it was
true

Pretty soon,
No void will have existed
You know how we humans work
Don't forget
Or pretend to miss it

the reality
of nights without you
hits me in the chest
at the most random of times
the sudden thud
of what's to come
blind sides
hides
behind the eyes
of futures unknown
of possibly my future wife
but i don't let my mind go there
anymore
because anymore
sounds more like a chore
and for you
it's all about the leaving.

I'm ******
singing love songs to my ceiling
humming
humming
humming to you
every note, a reminder of you
every note, a reminder of why i have to leave

your body aches
without me
but your mind
fights
and you become horrible to me
frustrated
impatient
unkind
and i know it's time to go
because you still don't realize
how often you take me for granted

but one day
my voice
won't be calling you

will you miss it?

Time will tell
But I've never been good
At timing

we were a scenario that does not exist
it never did
you got intrigued
left your old for a new thing
then got caught up in that wave for a bit
and aw, we were fools because i thought it was bliss
fast forward
to your shrugs and lines
you'd recite
just to get through the night
and i played a part in it
no blame in this
just an honest view
of how you left another and another
that equals two
on to the next
you're so **** good at that
but i don't envy
what you're getting yourself into
darlin, it's not worth
what you're losing
but you got the visions
that i don't see
and i'm not one to fight for what's not worth it
or beg and plead
for a woman with a soft backbone
and careless inflections
no, i don't think you're a bad person
but i don't think you're good for me
and that's a shame
but i'm done dwelling
on what we almost had
no one ever won at that

This is how nights are going to be
Now
Without you
Better get used to it

dark skin
light heart
you always had a way of making me feel
completely invincible
you still do
even if i don't speak to you

Not looking for casual ***
that's too easy
too easy
leaves me empty
this modern day truth is not made for me
i refuse
i'll stay alone forever if it's gonna be this way
nothing is sacred
everyone is everything
and nothing
and we all say we "love" each other
to new strangers
before we even know their middle names
or how they look like when they lie
or how their father's voice sounds like
(and i have heard your father's voice-you called him just so i could hear
him-it was a Sunday. Do you remember?)
where we value meaningless moments
over loyalty or truth
and i could have been so devoted to you
but naw, you didn't want it
but enough about you
you
you who was
you who never will be
you
you
you
i can't pretend and try to minimize you
you will be what i write about for some time
you will be a story i longingly tell someday
but you won't be the only story i tell
and you aren't the love of my life
because who knows what that even means
modern day love
is
temporary
hostile
withdrawn
withheld
forlorn
complicated
without­ directions
or foresight
tamed
forgotten
unorthodox
a given

and all i want
is forever
unyielding

i'm aware that you and i see things very differently
yet we feel most alike
in many ways
you and i could be the same person
at least that is what we used to say

now i've heard you say that a number of times
certain choice words you would use to describe me or "us"
now you use upon new strangers or old haunts
and i keep that in my mind
each time reminding me
of that timeless cliche
"actions speak louder than"...
i don't even allow myself to finish the thought
because i'm tired of cliches
i'm tired of the obvious
i want to be wowed
i want someone to come over and blow my mind
i'm ready for it
i thought i had it
but it came up short
she needed to part ways
in her mind it all makes sense
so i can't knock it
so i don't
instead- i just invisibly shrug my shoulders and
look up

oh, the way that you used to look at me
i hid behind the pillar of futures unknown
you gave me your bracelet from your right wrist
in the bathroom
within seconds missed
my chest, a closing in drone
heavy sighs my darling
you were such a heavy thing

spiraling down
we both went down
and it was beautiful
until it just was not anymore

but for a few months
it was bliss

she was right
when she said
that she doesn't like to save love letters
or even nice notes as gestures
maybe "right" is not the right word
maybe "smart" is the better choice
because while she can walk away
and see through it
i'm left with dozens of screen shots of our old romance
and how romantic she could be
i don't dare look at them
they stay, haunting my photo albums on this computer screen
but i refuse to indulge
because i'm afraid of how they'll hit me

so, tonight
i will start something new
possibly
maybe
i should

new choices
in not loving you
or rather learning how
to not love you
and to nourish
these feelings that were what you used to call
"sacred"

i wish i had a time machine
(and time for you to love me)
i would stall every second
just to see your face how you would look at me
from across the room
you and i
we were undeniable babe
then
i would pause space
to feel you kissing me with your entire self
with your confidence in your actions
we would kiss all night
and all morning
i never wanted to leave the bed
then

then
you would touch me with a passion i had never felt
true intensity neither of us needed to hide
then
then
then

If I had a time machine
I would hold your hand in confidence
before we knew pretense
of what right or wrong felt like
and keep you as my sidekick
and we would thrive in this life (time)
I would hold your hand in 1993
and watch Michael Jordan in his prime
front row seats
you and i
you and i
We may never see our prime together
But I have no doubt in my mind
that it existed
sometime, somewhere
out there

holy space
i embed you
in my brain
to keep sane
i'll retract
from
the things that don't make me feel safe

i stare at the sky
all nights
and think about the things that make sense to me
that matter:
loyalty
truth
peace
tact
music
knowledge
love

i want a calmness
that you can't pronounce
but i know we are all just trying to live
and do the same thing
so i see you
in a different light
in hopes that you'll see me as such
as well

oh, well.

I'll be that open book
You don't wanna read
Just yet
But are intrigued by it's weathered pages
Give me a little attention
And I'll tell you my whole life story
No lies, no glory
All of me
Because I know how not to give anything less

i want someone to wake me in the morning
with "good morning" texts
to get creative with it
to get with it
are you with it?
sometimes, i feel it

this morning, i'm in it
the sun is hiding secrets and i'm dancing in my head
in my head,
so many thoughts
sing to me

i want to sing to myself
and mean it
full body
kind of love
full body
worthwhile
full blood
consuming
only me
only me
only

Trying to tell you this when I'm sober
I fumble down my words like stairs
As if I've never learned how to navigate gently

But that night
We stuck to the bar and to each other's thoughts and confessed the smallest details- the ones that usually make all the difference
And I saw you in a new light- one where I could finally understand your mind

You and I- we are more alike than we realize
The things that bother you are the same things that bother me
We just never said it out loud
Until that night

That night you kissed me again with a glorious fervor
It made my entire body shake and my heart sank onto your floor
And sifted to the foot of your bed
Wanting more
Wanting nothing at all
But your hands and your skin and your mind and your time all over me
And you gave me just that
And it was beautiful.

In the morning, you woke
Delirious yet loving still
And our smiles bespoke what we never will again
We were happy and thoughtless and yielding
See, this love could be so easy if we let it be

But I understand now where it is you go when I can't quite read you
Your mind turns inward
And your body language follows
When you think I have another
It is not so
When you think of another
I will understand
You have many things to think about
I just want to be one of them

A
Thought that makes you smile
A
Thought that makes you feel this is worthwhile

Holding my hand down the street
It is the luckiest street to witness this
And in this moment, I feel like the luckiest woman living
It is these small moments
When I am holding you at night
And I am merely mirroring what you give me darling
They say we can't start
But I can't listen
Because in this moment
Sitting across from you at the restaurant where we order the exact same thing,
I saw the softness of your face
What I haven't seen for some time
And I can't help but revert back
To only 3 weeks ago
And tell you just
How beautiful you truly are.

i want to be something
that seeks nothing
from you
from your eyes that stare
into every night
past my doubts and cynicism
from your hands
in which i have loved
the stalling ways they have touched me
haunting me instantly

i want to be someone
who asks me nothing
of you
no guilt for never calling back
no fear of what you have planned next
wholly consumed in the moments you give
to me
with expecting nothing
next or later or then

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks

gentle
i was not gentle with you
in moments,
i can
and i am
but this place has me wondering at times

i want my thoughts to align
with my actions
and that is something i've been wanting to work on darling
whether or not you continue to stick around

i am feeble
and frantic
and pure
but manic
fleeting
and granite
loyal
but tantric
easily moved
yet stagnant
in this resolve to love
holy
but caustic
loving
yet nothing
chilling
and all consuming
but
pure, pure, pure

stand still
over the windowsill
where my love for you was left
"you" meaning multitudes

i can't let this happen again
where my head gets lost
drowned
sinking
swim

SWIM
because you have to
because you've so much left
because you are the only one who will force you to

This last year was so easy to forget my work ethic
it was so easy to give up
but I'm building
i've been building all along
sometimes, i forget it

but it's during these times
the Universe plays it's tricks
and reminds me
sometimes, not so gently
but enough