my longing for you cannot be known

in my head
a bride
of devout steel
around my fingers
through them
as if i've no skin
a pale aquamarine or night blue
where i turn to you
and simply say
"forget"

i wonder
i wonder if she knows just how much i think about her
an embarrassing rift between my mind and what is
separates the left and right side of the brain
separates this prize into a gift
it corners into the color of my skin
just enough to augment

and it is her
undeniably
undeniably her
that i worship
that stirs
this endless blur
into a ruthless cure
that i was so longing for

I trigger your bicep
and kiss you down to the marrow
my aimless heart takes shape
in the ridges of your hand

every line of your skin
every freckle, every gland
is a detail i want to inhale
until it sticks to the ribs, until i see where it lands

st. augustine
the pale color above your collarbone haunts me
and i want to swallow you whole
until i can't remember what it is that i allowed

this city is soft and slow
a charming couple stands before me
holding hands
and i want to congratulate them
because i know how such a simple act can in actuality be the most daunting thing
that we humans do

maybe it's the weather
or maybe because i am sensitive
but i am most alone
and i feel it more than most nights

tonight
this city is the last place I want to be in
until it is then that i whisper to the orange haze above me
"ain't nobody here with us in this Universe, baby"

this state is lonely
i sit on the porch watching a foreign sunset
don't believe for a second that i'm not grateful for it
but i really wish someone would cut through what aimless
perceptions they all seem to have about what it is that I do
and how exciting it all must be
when the reality of too many hours alone
stuck in rooms
missing birthdays
pretending Holidays don't matter
just to get through the day without crying
losing lovers because they can't seem to hang with
watching the calendar anymore
(and who can blame them)
forever missing something
someone
anything, everything
because you are constantly gone

but I say this in the moment.
i know for a fact that i would
rather be lonely my entire life
than be stagnant or underwhelmed.

she tells me she wants to go to the beach
on a day where we may each have the time off
i tell her "of course, i'd love to"
when really in my head i want to tell her
"i would take every **** day off just to go anywhere with you".
the beach, DMV, a gravel parking lot, my mother's abandoned apartment, her father's old high school, the desert, a hospital waiting room, her wealthy indecisions.