I would value you
I know you must have hard that a lot
and have grown accustomed
to it not being true

I know that trust is like a spotter
at the bottom of a ladder
and that you've been climbing Everest
and not the wall to a roof
so the comparison isn't apt
No I don't know anything you
and so my words ring hollower
than an Oak tree on a dry summers day

I would value you
not as price on a tag
but as a bird on a nest
because your presence makes being here
worthwhile
and when you're keen to fly away
please heed my plea that's true
I Promise I would value you

You remind me of my eyelids
because when I close my eyes
all I see is
You

I am the poorly poured glass of water hovering over the edge
defying god and gravity, philosophy and physics

Being great
it's something I never think about
some people aren't meant to be great
some people are
that's just the way things go
but what if that wasn't true
what if greatness didn't actually
come to those who wait
but rather those who wanted to be great
who strived to be great
hell! who needed to be great
what if greatness wasn't reserved for the lucky few
but rather the deserving few
what if we sell ourselves short
before we even get to the cashier
what if our potential isn't something
that should be constantly ignored
pushed away to make others feel comfortable
what if
I think it's better to not ask those questions
but rather to put your head down
ignore everyone's advice
and do what makes you happy

greatness it turns out is just a caveat

And here we all go
staring at screens
trying to distract ourselves
from what it all means

I'd call you
if I thought you'd respond
how did we get here?
how did we get like this?
why can we only come together when we are apart?
we can't keep doing this
eventually we will take a break
and the next time we see each other
you will be married
you will have a kid on the way
and I will know true pain
true regret

Im writing this because I need closure and I don't know maybe you do to. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to you over the last three months for a lot reasons so I'll just get into it. I really thought we were going to get back to together this summer and not just for the summer but a while after. Now I see that that was wishful but honestly I am terrified of how hard I fell for you without even seeing you in a person. I was so astounded by the amount of soreness I felt that I won over your biggest doubter who was of course my self. And then how easily you threw away something that I felt so sure about and so confident in killed me. Hearing your name put me in a **** mood for weeks on end. Honestly it still does. And it's not your fault you don't know how much you mean to me because I've never told you in as many words but I tried. And so even now I can't bring myself to talk to you on a daily basis because I am so sure the story will end in me doubting myself like I do when we stop talking every single year. I guess what I'm trying to say is when I stop talking to you it's not because I'm mad at what you did or mad at what you do its just that I want to save myself of making the same mistake over and over again.

Don't focus on it
Don't sleep on it
Don't meditate on it
Don't anything on it

Just let it happen
Just let it go
Just let things run their course
Just experience

Stay calm
Stay smart
Stay safe
Stay aware

I tell myself this every time
but I don't listen
I think it's different
I probably isn't
but I guess eventually it will be
and when that comes
I'd hate to say
I didn't focus as the train came

There's always gonna be a hole there
volcanos look like mountains from the outside
inside there's molten lava
and there's a hole at the top
what i'm saying is that I look ok
and for now I am ok
but there will always be a hole in me
and that may be a problem eventually

It's 2 am and i'm expecting you to call
but why should you
we haven't talked in ages
it shouldn't change now

I wonder if you miss me
which is stupid
I know you don't
you told me you wouldn't

you said you had to forget about me
that you had to move on
either find someone else
or some thing else

maybe you didn't mean that
but what's the point of thinking that
if you didn't mean it you would have called
before 2 am rolled around

I can't write vivid poetry anymore
I think so logically now
I see every shade of black and white
but i see no color

I'm broken
I'll admit to myself
I'd never tell anybody else
but i'll admit it to myself

is that what you want to hear?
that I'm broken
that you broke me
I think you'd like that

maybe I should just tell you
but if I did that then you'd know
(Wow you're a genius)
I can't let you know

It's possible you have the same thoughts
that you won't tell me I broke you
you're stubborn like me
that's why you shouldn't call

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
to the army kid silently waiting in calculated anticipation

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
to the bad kid waiting nervously on the couch

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
to the outgoing kid that had never met his father

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
to the baseball enthusiast who couldn't wait for tonight's catch

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
to the kid who only saw him when the law allowed

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
to a 21 year old man who was about to meet him for the first time

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
to the kid wondering if he'd get at least a comment tonight

A mom said wait until your dad comes home
and someone cared

WARNING: Some People Don't Care
WARNING: People Are Not As Close As They Appear

There were ten boys in a room
numbered one through ten
they all lived peacefully
until the moment when
number ten took a liking to
number seven's suede shoes
three defended ten while
six and seven made a truce

ten shot a rocket
with questionable aim
after which we find
number two had been slain
eight and nine shot back
with a sling shot blast
while ten used four
to cover his ***

four perished, as one
came to his aid
spraying blindly
over where four laid
when it was over
only seven and ten remained
while one fell over exhausted
his resources drained

seven looked down at his shoes
which after the fighting were no longer new
he took them off one by one
and handed them to ten
deciding the war was no longer needed
ten thanked seven and walked away
to the corner and turned around
he'd fight again another day

There are ****** people in the world. There are ****** white people. There are ****** black people. There are ****** mexican people. There are ****** asian people. There are ****** short people. There are ****** tall people. There are ****** smart people. There are ****** dumb people. There are ****** people that act nice. There are ****** people that don't care. There are people on this earth that would punch a disabled child in the face in order to hear them cry. There are people that **** because nothing great was on tv. There are people that **** for money. There are people that **** for power. There are people that would **** a woman and leave her on the side of the street for someone else to deal with. There are people that would beat a child's head in just to see what's on the inside. There are religious people that do awful things. There are non religious people that do awful things. Some people would cut off a cats' paws one by one because they liked the way the purrs changed. Some people would do it regardless of the purrs. There are people that would hack off a mans testicles just to see his face after he realizes what has happened. There are people that just want something for the mantlepiece.

To disagree is stupid. These people exist. Which is why it makes no sense to talk of peace.

When we are clearly living in Hell.

What do you want?

I want to be king

Do you don't

I d--

My father is a king
A good one
He is loved
Much more than past Kings
He solidified the realm
Kept the peace for many years
And he kills children and nobleman and peasants alike
He killed your mother
And made your father watch before he killed him too
And He is a good king
If you rebel
Even if you win
And **** my father
At best all you will ever be


Is A Good King

What if aliens existed?
what if Ufo’s flew so fast that if we blinked we’d miss it?
what if we do not know of their presence
because we was
excuse me we were
not looking in the right place
what if you as well as I were an alien life?
together we would travel the galaxies
like pieties
striving for peace
with no reprieve
but what if aliens did not exist?
(maybe the better question)
The notion that we are alone on this abyss
that it’s 7 billion strong against
unimaginably long miles of what we know as just space
where human thoughts such as distance and time hold no place
but why think a thought so daunting
and instead ask
What if aliens existed?

And typed them on a page
no filter just complete
sunken rage
no rhyme scheme anymore just lines
one after another
I'm scared I'll never satisfy a woman
not only sexually but intellectually
professionally, physically
I'm afraid I let the right person go
and now they won't come back
I'm scared that we only get one shot at life
and I'm blowing it by typing on a computer in my bed
I'm scared Ill die old
a corpse of unfulfilled potential
instead of a young body filled with it
I'm scared I'm the only that thinks about
these things and the only one
I can talk about these things with
is my therapist who doesn't want to hear
about them anyway
so I tell her that I am happy
I am scared because I don't always feel this way
some days weeks months go by where I don't think about writing
and I swear in that time I'm happier
so what is it about depression that bring my pen to the page
I'm scared that I use poetic metaphors to cloak actual feelings
I'm scared that someone whose opinion I value will read this and think less of me
I'm scared that one day down the road I'll come back to this
for the first time
but I'll close the tab before it opens
and go scroll through twitter or facebook
or instagram
because sometimes it's easier to just not feel for a little bit
I'm scared that I'm waiting for a moment that will never come
I'm scared to go to the gym so I've forced myself to be content with my body
which is fine but it isn't as good
as it could be
and that's all on me
I'm scared that I'm my greatest enemy
and also my greatest friend
and maybe both want me to fail
because sometimes it feels good to let yourself rest on your own shoulder

There. All out.

There are so many things in this world
I mean that in the literal sense
there are bananas, apples and figs
heroine, needles and cigs
the thing...
the thing I am struggling with
is
what matters

What should I care about?
really tell me
is there some sort of roadmap
to lead me to my goal

help me
really
there's *** and there's piety
there's the bottle and there's deities
there's a mountain built above me
full of expectations,
plans and potential
and I have no means with which to climb it

I don't get it
how do other people pick
how do terrorists actually commit to terrorism?
I'm serious
obviously their actions are appalling
but how are they so sure
how do womanizers become womanizers
im serious
is there some threshold I've yet to cross
some achievement I've yet to receive

I feel like everyone around me knows who they are
When I can't figure out what I like

I do not want to be a poet
it is too hard because
it is too easy
excuse the confusion
what I mean to say is
anyone can write poetry
good poetry is provocative
but think about it

thoughts are provocative
words are provocative
living a prerequisite for both of these things
IS PROVOCATIVE
to live is to experience
to experience is to have stories
and to share those stories
is to be a poet

the saying goes
if you put a team of monkeys in a room
for an infinite amount of time
you will eventually acquire all of Shakespeare's writings
but then again
keep the monkeys in the room for just a minute
and you'll leave with something
that at least resembles poetry

So why write?
why put pen to paper,
finger to key,
or even thought to mind?
Because if I don't no one will
I mean they "will" but not like I can
because although everyone is a poet
I am the only me

We lost you 10 days ago.

On the first day
I had just gotten my old job back
I walked into the main office
And told everyone how nice it was to see them again
Then I went back into my office
And heard you had passed
I flew home that night

On the second day
I tried to rest, recover the sleep I had missed  on the first
I couldn’t
My family wanted to go out to eat
I told them I couldn’t leave my room

On the third day
I got to see the friends we grew up with
Some I hadn’t seen in five years
We sat at a table for four
I kept looking to the open space to my right expecting to see you in a chair

On the fourth day
I bought a suit for your funeral
It had been so long that none i owned fit me
You would’ve thought I looked nice
You would have told me that

On the fifth day
I spent a night in your apartment
Surrounded by people that loved you
Some that loved me
I stood in your room and lingered
Our close friend saw me
We held each other and he showed me all the things in your room you had taken from him
I told him about an orange shirt you had taken from me because it was too large
We pulled out an orange shirt from a pile, thinking we had found it
It was a different shirt

On the sixth day
I got to see your face for the last time
I focused on your hands
because they looked how I remembered
I got to see you be put in the ground
I got to see my first love there
We hadn’t spoken in years
She told me she was married
I told her that was nice to hear
I spoke to your father, he had to be reminded of who I was
He hadn’t seen me since I was 8
But once he remembered
We spoke and we laughed
I spoke to your mother
I thanked her for moving to our town, I thanked her for you
I told her about all the good you brought to my life
She said I did the same for you

I cried that day and every day prior

On the seventh day I bought a flight back to Los Angeles for that night
I spent Mother’s Day with my family
I ate bad Greek food
We had to pull over next to a Wawa for me to use the restroom
I took the flight home
Normally I would have called a taxi but I asked my roommate to pick me up
You had introduced me to him
He used to sublet your room in our old apartment
I told him about the last seven days
I didn’t cry once

On the eighth day
I returned to work
Back for good I told them
I told my boss I ordered shakshuka for lunch because it was the last thing I ate with you
She said  she was considering the chopped salad

On the ninth day
Most of the same things happened
I spoke to the close friend who was still grieving in New York
I told him things would improve once he left the city
I saw my girlfriend who is recovering from a torn acl
She’s prescribed medication to help with her pain
I couldn’t stop asking her why I didn’t feel worse

On the Tenth day
I made a mistake at work
One that will likely never rear its ugly head
It’s the worse i’ve felt in 4 days
Sometimes I wish I could live in the pain I felt when I lost you
There nothing could hurt me
There nothing could be worse
You are gone and each day that passes you will be gone a little longer
And each day I will feel a little better
And I worry I may hate myself for that

wind blows
and then it doesn't
you can't really anticipate it
it just happens

I find my calm not at the finish line, looking back at the distance I've traveled, but in the moment, on the run, out of breath, looking forward. I don't know where I'm going, and I guess I hope to God I never get there—I'm happy as I am: Chasing something eternal and ethereal. The world is not—will never be—enough for me and that's just the way I like it.

I regret everything.
75. I decide it is time to find her.
I do.
She is dead.
74.
73.
72. I think about her all the time.
72. A commercial comes on and I see a lady with blonde hair.
71.
70. My son's wife left him.
If this isn't confirmation I don't know what is.






34. it's a beautiful
33. I pay a woman to be the surrogate of my child.
I decide being a better father than mine will make life worth it.
32.
31.
30.
29. I decide to make a change.
28. I tried to **** myself but the rope broke.
27. Nothing
26.
25.
24. I couldn't
24. I wasn't listening .
24. Something about work or her mother or something
24. She declines
24.  I propose
23. She changed me I can't believe it.
22. I can't live without her.
21. She's perfect
20. I meet a girl.
19.
18.
17.
16. My father left yesterday.
My mother tries to explain love to me.
I don't think she knows what she's saying anymore
Love must not be real
15.
14.
13.
12.
11. I got an A
My father is in AA
I'm happier about the second.
10. I asked Tommy if his Dad drank and he said yes.
But I don't think he knew what I was talking about.
I can't imagine his dad wakes up in bile
and *****
and his own ****
once a week.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4. I love being held.
I'm too old for it but I cry when I'm put down.
It don't care as long as I'm picked up.
3. Santa is the coolest he gives me gifts and presents.
And I know those are the same thing but I'm just too excited.
2.
1.
0.

Would I take it all back?

That's a dumb question.
Not all of it.
A life is a terribly hard thing to repeat.

What was that?

You meant it as in parts?

Things left up to only me?

You should have specified.
Well,  sure.
No one wants to wake up in a hospital.
No one wants to watch their grandmother die.
Nobody wants anything bad to happen.
Which leads to the question you should have asked sir.

Can the good exist without the bad?

Probably not.
Without the bad we cannot learn.
Without failure we forget success.
Greatness becomes the norm.

There are things that I have done.
That I struggle to tell myself.
Much less others.
But I have done them.
Thus the bad decisions shape me
as much as the good ones.

So to answer your question.

Your first one.

No.

No. I would not take it all back.

Are we certain Eden's snake is evil?
Do the scales hide someone who's
grown hungry for the taste of upheaval?
Someone who saw more than a pair of two
see what I mean, and what I argue here.
That it was Eve's fault that she believed
because the intent of a snake is clear
she should have expected to be deceived.
Perhaps I'm saying you shouldn't blame me,
and maybe its convenient for me to shift
the blame onto you, but honestly
I told you we were bound to drift.

I don't feel the need to apologize because
Before we began you knew what I was.