There is no secret —
No savage lesson in this pain.
This day brings no joy,
The sun — no warmth.
I can't see your face.
Your voice, faint.
There is no comfort in memory,
Only loss.
Each colour fades.
Each night restless.
Each hope vanquished.
Your love has taken
part of me.
Erased.
Organs
neatly stacked.
Soul perforated.
Spirit sullied.
Heart frantic/
Bruised.
Your lips —
My Sweet Armageddon.

We are finite.
Each of us,
Limited — In light,
                    In heart,
                    In purpose.
We are ants,
Scurrying
Between raindrops.
Lost in hives,
Lost in war,
Lost in consciousness.
We are a ticking clock.
We are dying love.
Clinging — to hope,
                     to family,
                     to possessions.
Terrified of the truth.
That there is no order.
That there is no meaning.
That there is only fear.

I want to let go —
To leave this pain
                this emptiness
behind.

My world is smaller.
I no longer know your love.
All beauty broken into pieces,
Scattered.
Each morning —
Grey and pitiless without
your radiance.
I am a shell,
Once breathing.
Cut,
Heartless and sore.
A soul,
Without essence.
Ugly.
Spent.
An empty memory —
Looking for its end.
Walking with shadows,
Doomed by a love that died
without warning.
You — were my heaven.
You — are my purgatory.

Every day is silently ending.
While your love remains,
Embedded like a splinter
—  in my heart.
You taught me so much.
Each day a lesson.
                  a blessing.
                  a joy.
I'm enraptured,
Helpless.
In the dying light.

I'm sorry if I can't remain.
It's always winter,
Without you.

The walls are dripping black
My inner monologue
A flat, dull rasp.
My heart
Like the flicker of a dying candle
Happy to fade.
There is nothing left
                nothing to lose
                               to keep me safe.
You think I'm here
Playing those endless ******* games
Keeping score.
No
I've written my goodbye
Carved in flesh.
Idling,
Between Scylla and Charybdis
Just for kicks.
Courting the waves
In final damnation
Yours sincerely.
My empty gaze
This twitching wound
Your cruel tongue.

You never
gave me a purpose.
You didn't
"complete" or define me.
I never understood
that need.
I was never incomplete,
Just broken.
I was
before you.
I am
despite your
destructive indecision.
**** your boredom.
**** your lies.
What came next was no surprise.
I was moving forward,
Regardless.
You just gave me motion sickness.

I'm afraid that there's
nothing left.
I'm afraid that meaning
is surely fading —
Dulled by absence.
A slow burning ember,
That was once an inferno.
This stage —
Once brimming with joy,
Holds now only silhouettes,
Ghosts.
Tender echoes.
Love letters returned,
Unread.
Counterfeit,
Plagiarised —
Empty.
This is how the world ends.
Without you.

Now that you're gone
My life is but
little deaths.
Slowly languishing,
In the early hours —
Solace,
In the moon's strange rays.
I was a stranger to your love.
Perfect.
A destructive
Hunger,
            Spiraling
                       ­    Inward.

If this is the end.
If this is the goodbye.
Just
Keep me in your heart,
A
Moment
Longer.

Walking down a hallway, I hear my name. No windows or doors, no distinction between floor and ceiling.
But my name.
Etched in the walls in every medium you could imagine: from pencil to pastel to acrylic to crayon. My name. All around me on these sullen walls, this repeated name over and over, all blue. So close in hue you almost couldn't see them. But you could, and as you read them they mocked you. As if they were saying,
'Why are you here..?'
The walls are closing in, this space is just too small. I don't know where to run, it's endless in every direction. I close my eyes and fall. In past dreams if you fall, you wake up before you meet the ground.  
I didn't wake up.
The pain comes immediately, skid marks down my legs and blood falling out the scrapes. Head pounding, shoulder throbbing, running down the street. I fell into this city and I'm looking for you. I know you're here because you're in love with this place. I know you're here because you're you. I know you're here because I know you.
I run.
My vision gets blurry and this city starts to spin. Pass one street and the next, and the next, and the next.. Finally a familiar place, I feel the rush of knowing you're near. I'm getting closer. You haven't talked to me in weeks, I haven't seen you in months, I feel something running down my face. Memories that hurt more than the injury. I see that house and those cars in the yard, run up the walk and open the door. I don't even make it past the threshold as my face hits the floor. Injuries from the fall finally became critical.
I wake up and I see a ceiling. A pale sickly white, the walls are the same color. Then the pain starts to come. Slow hurt in my face from falling and falling again, my arm throbs in a cast, and I look to my right to see a blood bag along with an IV. The blood makes me nauseous and I hear a noise to my left, a person. Someone gets up and holds my hand, looks at me with shining eyes and tear streaked cheeks. I wipe one away with my casted arm, sending shooting pain into my spine. This persons appearance is unfamiliar, but they show me love like I've never seen or experienced before, the look in their eyes tells me I'm everything to them. I look at those eyes, and memories come to surface. Laughter, comfort, love, hurt, reconciliation, happiness. There's pain in my back and I involuntarily flinch, breathing and hoping for the pain to go away. It gets worse as my lungs start to hurt, my heart beats faster as I realize I'm scared. I look back up to find you still won't take your eyes off mine, and I finally figure it out. It's you. You run out in search of a nurse before I can open my mouth, and as my eyes close darkness takes over and pulls me under.
When I woke up alone I was the one with the tear stained cheeks.

"How great it would be,
If we knew everything."
Then there goes all of our splendid curiosity.
"How marvelous a thought,
That we could make things easier,
Have less work for our aching bodies to complete."

If I had a wish
I wish I never did need to sleep.
So that I may pleasure myself on this reality.

Furiously dig through my Bible with a shovel and a pick,
Looking for answers,
Information,
Signs,
Love and instruction.
For hours upon hours until I cannot tell what the month may be.

I long to paint as a dancer dances,
With the control of the mind,
The grace of the limbs,
The soul of the spirit.
To paint the creation my Creator has created.
To stare at scenes for days upon days in hopes that I might create something that resembles such beauty.

To sing as though the river of my voice will never run dry,
To sing until the world stops turning.

For now I'll study until I must stop,
Paint until I bore,
And sing until I fall asleep.