People say don't think with your heart.
Well I don't, I think with my brain.
I have learned to isolate and manipulate.
To feel everything and to feel completely nothing.
It didn't take long to realize I was stuck in a deep deep hole.
I can't allow myself to love, even if I wanted to.
There is a huge wall I cant tear down.
One guy... can ruin your whole future.
My love life is gone without a trace.
My screams cannot be heard.
I can feel myself being numb.
I can feel the emptiness in my heart.
But I am not necessarily upset.
I am glad I wont let another male figure hurt me.
Cheers to my demons.
Adios to my once innocent soul.

Is there a goal plan for how many miles to run
Before I don't hate seeing myself naked?
Do the months I pay for a gym membership
Get cashed in for a few more nights of feeling worthy
than I normally have?
Is there a sports bra to hold in the cravings?
Or even just to do what its designed to.
I never really understood sports bras.
What diet do I need to go on
so that I can love myself again?

Cutting up pink paper. It crumbles between my fingers. I throw its balled up crinkly form into a used bowl. Stomach balled up. At the table. Sickly light, illuminating more than the table. Half eaten lamb, bones sticking up. The paper rips in tune to the stifling hurried frantic talking. Choking sobs, I am as strangled as the bound up meat. Lid on the cream. Lid on the situation. Please let it end, I would wish the ground would swallow me up, holding my crystal wine glass, but it already has. Foundations of my life have cracked and crumbled. Balled up like the pink paper roses I made, tossed into the used bowl. Tossing them like the feelings I wish would be torn off the bone like new years day lamb. Tossing them into the bin and watching as they scatter away from each other forever.

KG