At the age of nine he wanted to die
which was something I couldn't understand
because I knew our mother loved us.

desperation so

doctors drill diagnostic decisions down his throat.
I pray he won't choke on the
shallow pills he has to swallow
hollow dreams he has to follow.

Sedating's seductive for families who can afford it.

The Founding Fathers have forged my future,
they've mocked my freedom and cashed in on humans.
America likes to revive our problems with the quickest fix, money solves it.

My brothers become another lab rat
to solidify the fact that these pills are legit.
Simply because his name appears on a list.
Ignoring the fact his original pain was nothing but a claim

against all of this cultural *******.

I lack the strength of character to come right out these words
I lack the courage to confront my pride amongst the herds
But beyond common decency you contemplated and so brave
gently gave me the map of your heart; which led me to my grave.

So to you from dizzy dreaming, eyes far open wide
I am telling you, abandon me. And when you do, take stride.
You have conducted yourself since day one, so dignified
And I beg of you take my word, I'm not worth what you provide

Love of a good man from a good woman shouldn't hide
And a woman is not good if she's unfit to place aside
selfish expectations knowing how ******* hard he tried,

I love you
And all I will do is hurt you
and shove you.

Am I going to make it?
broken, beaten, burnt, and blamed
can't breathe, can't speak, can't be–
Don't look pretty lover; drowning in life isn't a sight to see
Even when I thought I could be your strength,
Failure swarmed all over my body
"Give it up, go away" the voices whisper
Hell is a place on Earth and the demons cry out for me
I am weak; no one would disagree
Just take me already, no more waiting in this ****** misery
Kiss of death at my doorstep,
"Let me in, let it all go" the voices deepen
Maybe it was meant to be like this
No fairy tales, no happy endings, nothingness
Only your nightmares becoming reality
Pain surging through your body; the black blood dries along your face
Quit, I don't want any of this...
Realizing I am the demon- my mind, my body, my everything
Stinging stupidity- the evil lies within myself, clawing to get out
Though, it's too late, time is up
Up and underway, I was in too deep
Vicious and vengeance piercing through my black covered eyes
What am I? Who am I?
Xanax in my stream, in my pulse, in my heart
Yet reaching the end, hearing the beeps drop to zero—
Zero.

Dazed, mind filled with xanax dust.
I'm questioning who I am
When I look in the mirror I do not see myself
I see a stranger
With bags under her sunken in eyes
And her eyes, they look sad
Lifeless, dead
And her body
Her body's ugly, fat, disgusting
Covered with marks, scars, burns.
But as I look at this person in the mirror
I am over came with the urge
To hurt her, to feed her pills and potions
Because some how I think I am her
I am the sad girl in the mirror with the cuts down her arms
and the bags under her eyes
I just don't want to believe it
Believe I've wasted away
To xanax dust and cuts.