i'm telling myself,
"he doesn't want to talk."
i'm telling myself,
"he's feeling put off."
i'm telling myself,
"you're being suffocating."
i'm telling myself,
"he regrets we started dating."
i'm telling myself,
"he wants you to take blame."
i'm telling myself,
"don't start with this game..."

of self-sabotage
that you use to isolate
because it's easier
and because you're afraid.
of "what will happen?"
if none of this works out
and you don't feel capable
or like you'll stick around.
when things get tough
and you have to speak up
explaining all the ways
your body turns itself off.
it's learned to survive
through things that have hurt it
and it's gone neglected
because its owner's felt undeserving.

you asked if i felt this is moving too fast and now it's made me nervous that you think it has.

The sun comes up each morning
Every time the same
Yet it is so beautiful

Waves roar almost on repeat
Only subtle are the differences
Though it easily draws me in

Clouds drift in the sky at such a slow pace
Having little care for shape or form
But can entertain humans for generations

Why am I so worried?

No I can't deal with this today,
No matter what I say,
What's the problem? Make it go away.
Everybody wants a yes person a yes man.
I used to think I could bless them in my plan,
The plan to make everything and everyone okay.
Even if it left me crying in bathrooms at night,
Just sitting there contemplating my ability to fight,
No I'm not okay, I'm not ******* alright.
I need a day without everything weighting me down,
I need a moment for self care, I need everyone to stop being around.
I don't mean to be rude I'm just trying to breathe.
All my dreams I've spent a lifetime learning to grieve.
I'm 29 years old and what is there to show for it?
I have nothing. I don't have a driver's license, I don't even own a car,
My hopes to becoming someone I'm proud of seems, so **** far.
I don't have my own place, I don't even own a **** bed!
Last thing I need, is some **** space in my own head!
I worry about you I worry about them but I never get to worry,.. about ME...?
I worry about that job, I worry about THE job,
I worry about it all.
But when I'm down, depressed, broken and drained.
Who worries about me?
Does anyone worry about me?
Maybe it's my state of mind and I'm too blind to see.
Sleep don't come easily and mornings come too soon
I fail I fail, no glory here, from where from whom?
A past that proves it defines me every chance I get to be free from it's embrace,
Every time I'm close to happy it stops me in my tracks and laughs in my face.
No job can trust, old wounds family bust.
I am changed, I am changing. To the world I'm still that girl in her 20s throwing her life away.
Maybe I am, look at the life I do have now
Do you see anyone that's willing to stay?
Look at my life now, do you see a happy person?
Cause in my reflection I see pain that's worsened.
Look at my life now, do you see any decent employers taking a chance on me?
At any place that doesn't have meals starting 15 dollars and the kids eating free?
Look at my life now, do you see a girl becoming who she truly wants to be?
Nah I don't recognize this girl in the mirror I see.
Nah this girl... couldn't be me...?
Look at my life and tell me what you see
Yeah maybe I am this girl,
and maybe it will always be me.

Don't worry
I'm in a hurry
A hurry to move on
A few more steps and I'm gone
Never to be mine
I need more time

Countless questions
With no more answers,
Yes and no
Written in her eyes.

Time will tell, dear
If my wishes come true.
Neither answer
Will stay my heart.

Yes or no, dear,
Can come in winter.
Whether this one
Or the next, or the last.

No more pain
And no more sorrow.
Time to make your
Smile shine bright.