my fingers stutter shattered sentences
when i'm like this. when i'm like this,
i'm shrink plastic and the world is an oven; or –
when i'm like this, i'm every unsatisfying
leaf that never crunched underfoot. i'm the spitting
shivering underdog who never made it out of the gate.
i'm pluto between the years 2006 and the end of the world.
when i'm like this, the world is like that,
meaning that the world is my childhood. the world
is the bloated feeling of a stomach full of lukewarm tap water.
the world is a surprise party wrapped up straitjacket-tight
and just a day too early.

when i'm like this, i'm always stepping on the cracks
in the pavement. the cracks, the world says, will open up
and swallow me into the belly of the beast.

Wherever you are.
Whatever you are doing.
Please, just be okay.

The art of procrastination, is to not care at all.
What a fool I am?
To assume I could do nothing at all,

other than worry.

Venomous voices
Tempting fate.

Listless lisping
And culling words.

Silence prevails,
Pervading my guilt...

And feeding my
Venomized thoughts.

Here I am,
once again.

It’s 11:00 p.m.

No words.
Shot nerves.

How am I supposed to sleep?

I’m staring at my phone screen.

Check it once, twice,
wait, check it again,
maybe something popped up between the time it took me to blink.

But it’s still the same.
No notifications.

It’s 11:00 p.m.

Bits of conversation float through my head.
There are a million things I want to text, to say, but how do I even begin?

I want to be part of society
I want to have proper propriety
but I feel woeful worry inside of me
in the form of anxiety.

What will they think?
What will they say?
Would they even blink
if I told them I’m gay?
Or would peace be betrayed
by the revelation I made?

My thoughts are hurried
because I’m too worried
they come in a flurry
vision obscuring.

It’s a slow grind
in this snowblind
I don’t know why
I can’t grow wise
so my nose finds
blow lines
until I glow like
a strobe light
turning on and off
like Jared Goff
because apparent cops
who share my slop
scare to stop
my stairs to the top
so I get impaired and flop.

The only person not allowing me
to share my personality
is myself acting cowardly
fearing they’ll respond sourly
I want someone to empower me
so I can conquer this task towering.