Is that all there is?
I'm in wooden canoe sliding down perfect green grass
riding the little uneven dips
yet rolling down smoothly
but the tide comes in
when we're nowhere near the coast
but hey-** that's what the canoe's built for
the tide pushes us down mountainous sliding terrain
my back aches and my mouth is dry from screaming
my fingers tightly ache
this can't be it
all that remains is me and this hideous keyboard
typing out things that never make sense
i cannot understand what i am fighting for
what dinosaur is after me
I'm a caveman with a fully stocked fridge and roof over my head
the survival instincts are alive and well
and yet...
I've achieved everything but nothing at all
I have nothing to show for it
Just a desperate desire to not be wrong again
Not to disappoint people anymore
And be a friend worth having
No way that's it
a too-eventful childhood and adolescence, a politician's scheduled teenagedom and a painfully mediocre twenties
health and wellbeing sacrificed just for a bachelor's
failure after failure in a master's
all to just have one 'unsuccessful' after another in my inbox
and endless promises to my family that I am unable to make good
I thought my people pleasing could at least land me a retail job
but here I am, leading the blind
at the cusp of sitting the hardest exam I'll ever do
and physically and emotionally dead inside
the law I fell in love with
the freedom of learning
my brain's hemispheres turning on their sides and the rainbow eclipsing them
taught me to fight even with endless red tape
there's always something more
only to end up with the door slammed in my face everywhere I turn
I am worse off than I started
the only difference is the stakes are higher
and with every birthday I am too old to not be financially independent
with every birthday comes theirs
and I cannot take anymore
we are all getting old now
I don't know what I like or who I am anymore
I am eternally lost
and I don't know how to write anymore
maybe I missed the boat
I rolled down the hill when I should've walked
that's all there is

i forget, sometimes,
that everyone has their own world
just as full as mine.

that ******* the bus,
she always has blue glitter on her eyelids,
she has someone
she cries over
when it rains.

and that boy,
who laughs a little too loud in the hallways --
he has a grandmother
she calls him every sunday.
he has a playlist
that he never shares.

i forget
that lives unfold around me,
not just mine.
no one else's life
pauses
just because im not
in the same room as them.
they're full of joy,
grief,
midnight cravings,
and rom com dreams
that don't star me.

but tonight?
the warm city lights
look like conversations
ill never hear --
and i remeber.

I want to write
I want to write you a bouquet of all the words that are most beautiful
Even though they're not the ones I want to say.

I'd say you looked like the glitter of moonlight bathing a forest silver.
When you really reminded me of the glow of the reflection of a lava lamp on a storm-streaked Thursday afternoon school window
A little bit distant and a little bit normal
But still so close,
So special.

I can't tell if my face is hot, if my fingers are hot from you
Or if it's just my PC keyboard
Beginning to overheat and I'm just the same, normal me.
I can't tell if my heart is beating so so so so fast from you
Or if it's just the impending ringing of the school bell playing hopscotch or jump-rope with my adrenaline.

When will we know who we are? What will we do when we do?

Forever searching
Whether healthy or hurting
Endlessly wondering
Admiring life, pondering
Hoping for my happy ending
Here or as a celestial being

A long lasting fever
Looking for my jewel
If my journey stops, ever
I've met my goal, I'll revel
Maybe never
Maybe forever...

The person you are trying to reach.
Is unavailable.

As in emotionally distant.
As in you can't get through.

There's no use in leaving.
A voice message.

As it wouldn't get through.
So you'll try again in an hour.

Please leave a message.
Please leave a message.
Please leave a message.

Yet there was never a message.
That was left just for you.

As you're left wondering.
What on earth to do.

Surely even god answers a prayer or two.

1/31/25   10:22pm

first comes hope
then the early mornings
lying awake
wondering wondering wondering

soon after are the regrets
I shouldn't have said that
maybe if I smiled more
or asked more questions
one less drink would have been good

and what comes last
radio static
a lesson
some memories to hold onto
and a stranger

10-2-24   4:21pm

do you think about me
as much as I think about you

do you wonder about
those unanswered questions
or what could have been


do you think about
the night we met
and how we were talking about
the universe
or that time during dinner
you told me the wind
blew through my hair
at the perfect moment


where did I go wrong
or were you scared
did I say something wrong
did I do something wrong
I just want to know

I wish it didn't have to end like that

we weren't right for each other

I have to remind myself that
but I'm still sad
am I allowed to be?


I'll never see him again

These cold days,
Poetry is all I've got.
Where snow falls solemnly from looming clouds,
The only thing I surround myself with are words.
I miss the spring city,
Nothing could penetrate my armor of love.
For now that December has made it's descent, I am left in winter song,
Alas, for poetry, who's warm heart could melt the ice of sorrow.
Where will the fae dance tonight?
For reading poetry it makes my heart soar, and it makes my heart sore.
Snowflakes lace the winter grave of Autumn leaves,
And poetry, a silent goddess in the wind, has captured my tongue.
Where is the sun? In this winter's song,
For poems are the light in my dark.
Cold, the fingers that hold my pen,
Verse warms my soul.
Where am I? In this winter's song.