When they passed the paper to sell my voice, I signed it in a second
Kept my eyes to the sky, the consequences dire if I broke it
Promises pile up like unopened letters
My own words piling up behind a locked door
But if that's what it took to keep them safe
I guess I would just have to be brave
I watch others fall, and I reach for their hands
They're just out of reach, fingers brushing
Before I watch them turn to sand
Why am I so afraid? Why can't I fly away?
I could never make it far
If I told them what I scribble on my walls in my mind,
Would things become hard?
Would I break things, or again disappear?
Into the silence of the shadows, would I watch them there?
Or would I take back the paper, to watch my hands become free?
But my name is already signed, if that's what it takes to breathe

Trading glances like thiefs in paradise lost

Taste of a teenage dream lingering on my tongue

Your retreat, traitor blood

Throwing stones on my window

Perishing into the edge of town

Roses grow in our loss

the freedom of
loneliness, breathe
in the silence,
intoxicating.
the feeling of
an empty house,
...
I guess we all want
what we don't have.

I miss myself.
Not me now,
but before.

Before I grew older,
and learned awful things.
Before I stopped wearing sundresses,
and pigtails in my hair.

I miss the me that didn't fall apart like glass.
I miss the me that didn't have false hope
that everything would get better.
I miss the me that didn't run from her problems.

I want the me who wanted to stand on the sun,
and reach for the clouds.
I want the me who only cried over a dropped ice cream cone,
or a broken toy.
I want the me who always smiled wide enough,
that you could see her tongue through her gapped teeth.

I want to be what I was.
I want to be happy.
I want to not care what others think.
I want to not be rocks at the bottom of the lake.

I long not to be myself.
I long to be the version that people liked,
and wanted.

I want to say "Morning" to you every day,
When I wake up sweetly at first light,
To drink coffee with you under lilac
On the open terrace, laughing on sight.

I want to plunge into my thought darkness
And get only major of them therefrom.
They mantle my day, and it'll be cleaner.
And happiness will be my master for all.

I want to throw out all foul thoughts
About my fierce fortune in whole.
I want to revive, to cheer up, to uncover
And get off meek beggings forever at all.

I want to stop making the Deity from pain.
But I've got nothing work out at full.
And I continue to kowtow to my pain,
Begging for save as the latest fool.

Pulled happiness towards myself
                                       Held tight
                                       Grips loosen
                                       It sways away

Pushed sadness back
                             Beyond reach
                             Kept pushing
                             It recoiled

       Emotion is best left
           As an untouched pendulum
           Moving freely within my experience