***** burns my throat but your name hurts my head
So I would rather black out with a hangover than stare blankly at my hands
Trying to forget what it was like to touch you

ice cubes crack once you pour a liquid over the top of them
you will
you can
you should
hear them crack if you are not too distracted by the sound of yourself cracking instead
maybe when you are pouring your favorite soda over ice straight out of the freezer you will hear it crack
but maybe when you are pouring your favorite alcohol or just any alcohol, probably not even the good stuff, because you finished that off last night and you haven't been going to work
you haven't been leaving your bed
you don't even remember what it feels like to leave your bed
so maybe you stopped hearing the cracking in the ice when you're pouring the only alcoholic, soul numbing, beverage you have left into a ***** glass because the dishes have been piling up for weeks and the only thing that even crosses your mind when you walk into the kitchen is who will clean the dishes once you're gone
but you've been gone and nobody even checks to see if the dishes should be done or if you might need more ice.

My stomach is killing me and I don't know if it's because I haven't eaten in 4 days or if it's because I heard someone say your name. You're stuck in my chest and I try to get you out but the cigarettes make it harder to breathe and the ***** makes it harder to think of anything but you. I know you were never really mine and we were never in love but oh god we could've been. You're the face I look for everywhere I go, wether it's the gas station to get a pack of gum or a party I know you'd never go to. You're the voice I needed to hear when I got the call about my grandfather. You're the touch I lust for when it's 3 in the morning and I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don't know what to do with it. You're the smile that could cure the deepest depression. But you're also a disease. You're the pain in my stomach when I'm trying to hang out with friends and you're all I think about. You're the tear stains on my pillow from the night you told me you loved her and I swear I cried every tear that God gave me. You're the void in my brain, the part that makes it impossible to fall for anyone else, to let go of you. You're the gravity that drags me down, brings me to the middle of the kitchen floor asking God why it had to be me. You're everything. You're everywhere. You're the disease and the cure. And I don't know what the **** to do with or without you.

I'm hard to handle;
like a shot of *****
I burn on the way down
and only some will come back
for seconds –
because my kindness
does not make me
easier to swallow.
I'm an acquired taste
for a specific breed.
No one can take me
in large doses,
a teaspoon a day
goes a long way.
Alcohol never came
with a recommended
serving size.
I'm a glass of water
in disguise –
so please,
drink slowly.

Why don’t you just lay me down, how about  that?                           
Why don’t you just lay me down on this same back that I’m used to lying on when I day dream about  you at 2AM when you’ve long since forgotten our last conversation or the way our laughter sounds.                                                          ­                                                     How about you let me teach you what love really tastes like- like the flavour of my lower lip caught between your teeth. How about that?                                    
How about you let me call out your name in a way that keeps you present with me before you slip into a well intended ecstacy, how about that?                      
How about you allow me the liberty of breaking the confines of who you believe me to be, a good girl -How about you let me show you that  I’m not just good, that I am great.  

How about I destroy your preconceived notions of me , or better yet let me destroy them between sheets that can be perfumed with the scent of your sweat.  
How about this, How about I kiss you in a way that will teach you to crave my flesh and leave you restless, hungry for my touch once more. How about that?                  

How about you learn that a women can be more than flesh and bones,            
That she can be a metaphysical constellation capable of absorbing you entirely,                                                        ­                                                         That nature is called a mother because she birthed a raw infinity of a women which you could be blessed enough to hold in your arms.                            
That drowning can be beautiful because my love will come for you in ceaseless   waves.                                                           ­                                                  That I am a sacred vessel, that my entire body is holy and with each time you lay your hands upon me you will learn to praise a creator so devine that your soul will sing in your ears in the form of your heartbeat. How about that?

How about I teach you what love means with my body because words cannot adequately express the sentiment that I feel towards you.

How about that?

That’s what I wanted to say.

Instead I said “Yeah sure, I don’t mind” and watched as you walked over to her, kissing her in a way that caused me to choke back tears, cough in a crowded room and pretend that the ***** was to blame and not you.

Bella,
My sweet bella

The one who makes me feel like my whole body hurts because I miss her
It's too much
I miss those nights, the ones with the moon by our side
How our drunkness made us close
I never thought someone I've seen six times would mean so much to me
I need your presence, I'm broken
I need someone
I need someone with whom to share my ***** in a bottle mixes with gatorade
I need that sausage smell
I'm writing this while being ******
But my dear Bella, you mean the world to me and I never thought someone would become as important as you have
It's like you put the stars in the skies
I need you to have someone to drown my sorrows in a bottle with. I miss you
But I know sometime, soon
I'll get drunk and do fun stuff with you
Nothing seems fun without you, you might be the missing piece
but Dear Bella, wait for me, as the sun waits to rest when sunset comes. I love you as much as a cherry blossom tree loves it's beautiful flowers that just bloomed

It was when I realized that I would never be able to intoxicate you with myself, that the glass broke.
When I found out that I would never be able to replace the toxics that you like flowing oh so lovingly down your gentle throat.
That I would never be able to addict you to the drugs that I claim to be, as that is not in my hands.
That I would never be able to explore your mouth, while soothingly dripping down from your lips while you let me play with your tongue.
That I would never be able to accomplish what a glass of ***** could.
Oh, how much do I ache to be that.
A weakness.
The one you visit in your need for courage.
In your times of sorrow and happiness.
A constant. A liability.
Something you just can't resist.
Someone to make your cold soul feel intimidated.
Because honey, wouldn't it be something to be the one to make your insides burn?
**- Aks, Naked Emotions