My heart has risen from it’s dormant winter
No longer blanketed by clouded skies
It’s cold comfort no longer appealing
And can no longer cover my shadows, my footprints, my pride
They parted like window drapes
To a view so intimidating and sublime
Of all the possibilities
For a future- to myself- I denied
During this season
It took too much effort to bade off
The allure of such a melancholy dream
It took a strength I did not possess
A truth I could not confess
But now I have found the courage to find the warmth inside of me
To brighten my tunneled vision
To see my own faults
But realize things happen for a reason
As if warmth gives to warmth
And misery feeds into misery
But no one has to be the villain

No one to remember,
no one to forget.
I watch him take a final breath
and his eyes show no regret.

It’s the end of one story,
the start of another.
Just know, long ago i’d
naively call him a lover.

My life has become more than I can handle too. It just feels like I'm stuck in a room full of mirrors, not knowing which direction to go but at this point I'm so stuck I lose either way.

At first I was upset with myself for losing the kids and getting back into ****, and the only way to not feel that was to feel nothing but the drugs ya know?

Then with everyone else upset too, I started to believe everything they said. That I'd never be able to crawl out of this fuxkin hole. My head got twisted and I turned it on everyone else. Like I saw it as you guys all gave up on me because I was being a pos, not because I was destroying myself and you guys couldn't watch it take place anymore.

I thought all my "friends" were actually my friends, ya know? I thought they were sticking around because they cared about me, regardless of if I was an addict or not. I didn't think they were only around because of the drugs, so my loyalty went to them because I thought they were loyal to me. If that all makes sense.

Regardless of how much I wanted to change and get better, I couldn't bring myself to walk away from the very ones I should have. Which in turn, has me sitting there watching everyone around me getting high, and I couldn't leave because I thought that they were all I had left. And I couldn't abandon them like I thought I had been abandoned.

But I also can't watch someone stick a needle in their vein, and get high while I just sit there sober. I didn't think I could do it all on my own, ya know? When I got out of jail this last time, as soon as I got home I got to watch two people shoot up in front of me. I didn't want to call anyone to get me out of there, because I didn't want to make my "friends" feel like an ***, and I expected whomever I would've called to bitxh at me for getting myself into that situation.

Dad died, and we could've said goodbye. You had it all figured out, and I said no because they said he was gonna be okay and I thought it would be best if the kids didn’t go. Not even twenty four hours later we lost him. Not only did I lose my chance to say goodbye to my birth father, I also took yours away too. I could've just kept my mouth shut and ******  it up, but instead I ruined it. A month before dad passed, CYS took the kids from their dad and placed the kids in foster care. Life just became way too much.

I got booked, and two days after I got out of jail M* got arrested for DUI vehicular manslaughter. He told me a day before that, that one of the reasons he did the stuff was so he could stay awake to keep an eye on me and make sure I was okay. At the time it felt like I couldn't handle all of that. I am the reason M had drugs in his system at the time of the accident, to which two people lost their life's. The man who passed away due to the accident, and then M. The man that will spend the next ten to twenty years in prison because he had drugs in his system. All so he could look after his careless, reckless, selfish girlfriend.

Regardless of what I do now, I'm in too deep. Its inevitable that I will be going to jail, yet again. I'm angry because I was actually checking in with probation and stuff this time. I was putting in effort to do the right thing, but clearly it wasn't enough. I can go to rehab and get treatment for my substance abuse, my mental health and all that as well. But after I'm released, I will still go to jail. I'll more than likely still officially lose my children and whatever I have left. Which means whenever I would be released I would still be in this hole.

Or I can run, with **** near the same outcome. I will still officially lose my kids, end up getting arrested, lose whatever I have left. So why not fake it ya know? Why not act like I'm not lost, like the people i surround myself with actually care about me? Attempt to feel alive, even if only for a brief moment before I reach the inevitable outcome that I have set up for myself?

You twisted my words into something they’re not.
It’s not hard too see it, you do that a lot.
You make me the villain in all of their minds
Then you play the hero and feed them your lies.

No one ever told
me that I was the villain
of my own story

7:42 AM
18/9/20

there's no limit to what i'd do
to keep this little game of ours going.
you don't wanna know how far i'd go.

yes, i'll keep on trailing you;
for although hope lies beyond the finish line
no ending is better than an empty one.

we'll stall this thing a while longer, so please
let go for just a second; i think that you could stand
to take a small lesson. no, you can keep
holding on to the chain. forget i ever said it.

the night sky reminds me of that one time -
i'm sure you remember, you still have the scar -
eighteen thirty-four, the city was on fire
along with our skins; along with your disguise.

i've never seen rage burn so pretty
in someone's eyes before, you know.
you lean in and i'm not quite sure
if i'll survive to see another day.

and i ask you: do you like what you see?
you answer with a blade to my neck.
eloquent as always, my love, although
are you sure you could stand the silence?