Dreams are draining
Thoughts venting out
Yesterday's memories are straining
in my clouded mind
to keep remaining
My opinions evaporating
tongue steaming
to catch the words slipping
out of my brain  
into oblivion

(with apologies to Elizabeth Barret Browning)

                                        Arrogant
­Book Soldier
Conceited
Con Artist
Covetous
Cunning
Deceitful
Disingenuou­s
Egoist
Egregious
Envious
Entitled
         ­                               Evil
Haughty
Hypocritica­l
Ignominious
Immoral
Jealous
Jumped Up
Machiavellian
Martinet
Mendacious
Nit Picky
                                        Obsessed
Peck Sniff
Perfidious
Persnickety
Pompous
Popinjay­
Predatory
****
Rapacious
Regimental
San­ctimonious
                                        Self Important
Shylock
Smarmy
Sophist
Supercilious­
Unctuous
Unethical
                                   ­     Vile
                                        Vicious
       ­                                 Zealot
       ljm

I'm so sick of being told what I can and can't do.
"You can't do this, try this instead."
They aren't asking me; they're telling me.
I don't want to do that, I want to do what I said I wanted to do before.
Then I'm told that I am an ungrateful *****, a spoilt brat, a miserable cow,
When in reality I'm not.
I'm not an"ungrateful *****".
I'm not a "spoilt brat".
I'm not a "miserable cow".
I'm a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants, and is constantly told "no".

Held back so many tears, I'm afraid to cry.
I might drown in the overflow of pain I've hidden deep inside.
Sometimes it dawns on my heart,
making it beat unkind.

My lungs start to quiver,  I'm dying on the inside.
Held back so many tears, why do I even try.
Been battered by this world and my thoughts,
maybe it's time.

Let it all go.

Dissolve in yourself.

Tired of reading the world and trying to figure it out.
I just want to sit and breathe, and be myself.
Without worrying that this chair might not actually be a chair.
Can I just be ?

Can I just exist without anxiety ?
I fear this world,
this big scary world.
Having a hard time trusting this reality.

My vision goes blurry from the insanity,
but i blink it away and swallow the cry.
Knowing that one day it will be alright.
One day I won't wake up scared to face this sentence.

Truth is I'm all alone but I am completely surrounded by life.

How many ways are there to hate
To loathe, despise, and vilify.
How many fantasies can you build
Where evil returns to those who birthed it.

How many kinds are there of hate.
Cold as an ice floe or burning hot.
Sharper than a scalpel blade, or
Duller than a breaking heart.

How do you work with so much hate.
Build a stair and climb above it
Or fabricate a prison cell
That robs you of the sun.

How do you learn to  swallow hate
And **** it out the other end
Without it tearing up your guts
And leaving you a *******.

How do you spell the names of hate
In blood or bile on ***** walls -
Or glitter on the seaside sand
While waiting for the tide to ebb.

How do you give back so much hate -
Fed Ex will not deliver it.
A carrier pigeon could not fly
With such a heavy parcel.

How do you juggle such mountains of hate
And not miss a catch and be buried.
How do you drop it at the edge of the road
And travel on unburdened.

Please, somebody, tell me.
                         ljm

Here I take a chance
A chance to say what I am
To not be judged but to be heard
A place I know my voice will rise
I am a christian
It means something different to everyone
Some is bad other are good and some don't care
But this is what a Christian is to me
I like to think of myself as a new generation Christian
What is this you may ask
Well let me tell you
It's someone who loves everyone
But isn't that what we are supposed to do you ask
I say it is but others say they do
They do but they say to hate those who are in same *** relations or are transgender
I'm not saying it is all
No not all indeed but some
But I love everyone
I believe that you should be who you want to embrace who you are
To shine through the crap people throw your way
Every life is precious but I believe you should have a choice if you want an abortion which I'm told is wrong
I'm for gay marriage because you love who you love and what I say won't change your mind
But does this not make me a Christian
Because to me the only things that matter about being a Christian are believing that Jesus is the son of God and that he died for everyone and rose again
And that you should love the sinner and hate the sin. Everything else just muddies the water
So I am Christian but I'm a new generation.

Rare moment
Found myself
At a loss of words
That angry outbursting
Satan anarchy heavy metal
Type of kid always a trouble
Spreading red paint all over the place
Like someone got killed
Many time in a raw
Burst into a story of abuse
And then to my astonishment
"I love you"
Then went red from shame
I felt so sorry for him
I wished I could say something encouraging
But I think I failed
I just stood there somewhere close
And continued talking to him
As I felt his shame and anger
And **** did I feel like I failed!
At least he didn't leave

Self hate is so much more than based off personal looks.
The way your eyes slant downwards or are just a little too squinty, the way your nose takes up a fourth of your face.
The way the kids tease you that your lips are too big or small.
The way that girl called you fat,
ugly,
skinny,
sick.
The way they told you you can never be loved.
Self hate routes from something bigger...
A fire burning deep inside.
Self hate comes from emotion.
It comes from the people closest.
The ones your told to trust.
Mom, dad, sister, brother, aunts and uncles.
Mom and dad used to fight...
Your older sister said it was all your fault.
You blamed yourself for so long.
Then one day you took a blade.
First time you ran it down your arm.
Let out your demons.
They screamed inside.
And now they are free.
Sure the kids at school all play into this.
But it's so much more.
If only you could see.
Within you there is still beauty.
You survived.
Therefore insperation remains alive.
You got past every name you've ever been called.
Every word your parents cursed.
You got through it all.