Lost in transit,
I thought I saw a ghost,
with whispy hair,
and a broken nose;
it looked damaged.

I wouldn't have guessed
that I knew who she was,
no, I wouldn't have known,
had it not been for her
single laugh
that let me know,
I was her,
and she was me,
and that she had detached
many years ago,
wandering the world
without us together,
or that she was so far
into her lightweight, empty form
that speaking words
would be untranslatable
and we could not communicate
to each other anymore.

I could look at you,
but never recognize your face
as it has become much too distorted
with malicious intentions
and sweaty, sleepless nights;
you are quite far gone,
and as I look at your indistinguishable face,
I'm not sure I'd ever remember
who you once were.

I never asked
for my hands to be caked in ash,
fists full of powdered, smothered memories
weigh me down like cages;
if you were to see my body,
cut apart, missing, coated
and preserved as a martyr,
like a body in Pompeii
trying to fight back the smoke.

I have worked so hard
To rid my mind of this phrase,
I wish I were happy,
And I've tried to accept my life as it is,
But hearing that phrase
Come from a friend's mouth
Solidifies how impossible
It is.

I must admit
The part of that phrase that taunts me the most
Is that I say it in the past tense,
I wish I were,
Because heaven forbid
I said a wish for my future.

I'd like to be buried in sand
so when an archeologist, an excavationist, or a child
walks into the sandbox,
they might believe my body is a hidden treasure,
and for once,
I would be remembered.

ARTIST

An artist all lonely at the end of the day
Sat in her room all alone to paint
She got out her brush and colored her canvas red
She wished on the star that soon she’d be dead

Her brush was a blade that made smooth strokes
Her paint was bright red and caused her to choke
Her throat was her canvas, big and wide
She wished on the star that could no longer hide

She feared being loved because in the end it was fake
She feared giving trust since she knew what’s at stake
All she wanted was peacefulness there as she laid
She dropped the blade and smiled, for it wouldn’t be long
Till she was finally free and for the last time she prayed

“Dear lord please forgive me for the sins I have made
Tell mommy I love her, I will soon fade.”
And with her last words she laid still on the bed
And envisioned the promise land bright in her head.

-Kaylynn Little

A large crash;
Everything comes at once,
Drags you by your chest
and pulls you in,
Makes you relive every moment
And with scents
Breaking past your hyposmia,
Troubled voices crowding
In your ears, in your throat,
And you remember it all
Thumping in your chest,
Making you so ill,
Always sick, always prying
At your weakened body,
But you’ll forget it again,
Hoping it goes away,
And it will always find you
In hot flashes,
To drag you by your feet,
Asking you to see again.

I used to remember in images,
Movies, flipbooks, flying across my eyes,
But then I saw haze,
And the foggy screens became thicker,
So the grime and dust became darkness,
And through the darkness became words,
Disconnected, discolored, disjointed
Streams of words,
And so all my memories lost
Vision, became nothing but recalled statements,
So I could tell you yes it happened,
But how or why or what was sifted through a blender,
Chunked into a garbage disposal, and lost somewhere,
yes, the memory exists as a statement,
A declaration it occurred but oh so loosely,
You can’t be sure of it.

I had a good day.
"but youre supposed to be depressed."
"im glad youre finally better."
"see I knew it was a phase."

I didn't sleep good last night.
"its because you always have that phone in your face!"
"did you take the melatonin I gave you?"
"but you had a good day!"

Im sad today.
"but you were laughing all afternoon!"
" probably just something you watched on youtube."
"oh we are all sad sometimes youll be fine!"

Im not fine, I feel alone in a crowd of people who care. I cant catch my breath long enough to explain why I feel this way. I have a voice in my head fighting the others. Im awake all night with my phone off crying into a pillow flipping a blade between my fingers swearing I wont go there again. Its been years and this phase is taking forever.

"......."

"................."

"..."