Do you ever get jealous of your friends?
Do you ever feel self conscious?
Do you like sincerelyW.W’s writing?
What do you think of the music artist xxxtentacion?
Do you think I try too hard?
Do you look at yourself and ask what is wrong with me?
Do you ever want to feel the knife in your stomach?
Have you ever starved yourself?
Cried yourself to sleep?
Hurt yourself?
…
Oh…?!
What!
…No…

I'm just… asking for a friend.

Somethings are not as they seem

Pencils are used to hurt

Hands are used to distract

Scratching out unspoken words

Save me from this pitiful act

Screaming until I’m raw

“It's all in your head”

Crying hurts and breathing's hard

Constantly regretting the things I said

Lying awake until the sun rises

Failing grades  

Participation prizes

Painful methods  

Tried and true

But I just need control

I’ll come crying to you

Just one more day

Just one more cut

One last time

Blades turned blunt

The burning sensation on my wrists

The control I feel

The ignorant bliss

It only hurts when you stop

Stop and think

“Is this wrong”

It only hurts me

“Yes, I’m fine”

I can fix it

Give me more time

Time to think

Time to breathe

Time to stop

They tell me so

I shouldn’t have told them

I’m hurting them more

Now I’m on their minds

Collapsed on the floor

No more

No more  

No more

I beg and beg

Brain clouded with thoughts

“You deserve this”

I’ll just cover up the spots

Hiding the scars

Hiding from me

Band-aids and tissues

There's no breaking free

“I should have shut up”

“I should have talked more”

“You’re so pathetic”

“Such a bore”  

Leave me alone

I just want to sleep

Thinking of things

I’d rather not speak

I deserve this

Most have it worse

Screaming and screaming

My voice turns coarse

Cover up my arms

No one will know

I hide out in my room

This anger starts to overflow

Mad at myself  

Mad at the world

I hate my body

Eating until I hurled

I’m so tired

Everyone, everything

Left by myself

Left alone to think

Alone with my thoughts

“You only cause pain”

I can’t take it

I think I’m going insane

No matter what’s happening

Something drags me back

Back to the sadness  

Pounding until I crack

Snap

Oops there goes my head

Used to see black

Now I see red

No one knows what I do

Behind locked doors

Cutting and scrapping

Just one more

Can’t think no more

Can't do no more

Hahahaha

Laughing so I don’t cry

Bottom of the barrel

Just getting by

Stormy nights

Drown out the thoughts

Block out the noise

My stomach’s in knots

Just breathe

no one knows

Is that good or bad?

I feel hollow

Use me up

Take me now

I can’t live like this

But I chose this

I want to scream

Blood on the floor

But I chose this

Crying  

No more  

No more

But I chose this

Sobbing on the floor

But I choose this

There is no escape

Trapped in the dark

Lovely weather,

Isn’t it?

Reaching for anything sharp

Reaching for peace

Reaching for kindness

For something that’s not there

How could I have been so blinded?

Truth be told

The world still spins

But I remain frozen

Trapped in this skin

All skin and bones

“You’re so skinny”

“You’re so lucky”

So why don’t I feel pretty?

“Eat less”

“Eat more”

Conflicting voices

An internal war

Boom  

Goes the cannon

Snap

Goes my head

Cracking until I bled

Filling me with dread

Blurry vision

I can’t think straight

Can't focus

Watch your weight

Maybe I did like it better

Back when I was unhealthy

I was vomiting up my food

But at least I was pretty

Tiptoe down the stairs

Don't make a sound

They can’t know you’re hurting  

If you don’t tell them now

Blurry faces

Forgotten names

Splitting skull

Wrapped in chains

I can't do this anymore

I need someone

Someone to see

Someone to love  

Someone to hear my plea

But no one can help  

If I don’t tell them

I’ll go with the flow

Follow the algorithm

Nothing ever changes

No one ever sees

Pretty little head

Filled with worries

Snap

Oops

Now I’m gone

It’s too late

I wish I was never born

No more

No more  

No more

my blue veins pulse, life
throbbing, aching, red spilling
i crave, the cutting

i miss bleeding
i miss the thin red lines
i miss the sting under water
i miss the comfort the blade brought
i miss the hurt
i miss the blood
i miss…
feeling justified

the pain i went through and the pain im in now means nothing
because i dont have any more red lines
just white ones
even when they were red
they werent deep enough
werent good enough
so im not worth it
i dont need that much help
im lazy
i need to try harder
other people have it worse
other peoples lines are worse
*******

you make me miss the blood
everything that hurts makes me
miss the thin red lines
fifty at once
soothing cat scratches
little drops of blood
to feel better

but

i dont need help
i dont deserve help
is that what you all think?
that i dont try?
i try so hard
but its still not good enough
the days i need help
im not good enough
i need to be independent
im not allowed to ask for help
i hate you
i hate everyone
i hate everything

all i want is my red lines back
they may have not been good enough for you
but they were for me
so *******
no one cares

ill get my blade
ill cut once
and feel the sting
its not so bad
so ill do it again
and again
and again
and thirty more times
and ill feel that good sting
see the pretty blood

and ill feel better
ill be better
ill be worth the help

im livid, writhing with rage
my head is jumbled and aching
no pills, no sleep—i am devoured

because i give and give and give
and they take and rip and shred

rip the flesh, rip the bone
take the arteries
from my heart
steal my blood, flee away

im drowning, im burning
my head is slipping, fracturing
hands clawing at my throat

water like fire takes my air
i can’t breathe, i can’t rest
and my lungs burn
before they’re taken too

my limbs contort, twist, then crack
i try to carve my way out
but im buried deep
tendrils coiled, unbreaking

raging, writhing, war in my head
i feel the lumps press against my skull
i crave to dig them out
my hands grip my hair
nails sinking in

but i fail
sinking deeper, heavy limbs
lungs rupture, body thrashes
the current pulls, the dark consumes
in the end
im wailing in water

i wish i was dead
lying cold in my bed
silent, empty, alone
haunted by thoughts unknown

i need the pills, the herbs
to quiet the endless words
numb my body
lost in the ache that never curves

i long to sink down
where darkness wraps me 'round
i want to feel broken
my voice left unspoken

i want to be better
but i never let her
stuck in this skin
clawing for strength within
numb, i see—
no drive to be free