The monster used to be under the bed-
Now it hides in the mirror.
The glass is intact,
But it cuts deeper than anything.

Chapstick used to be the only cosmetic you owned-
Now makeup covers your face.
Meant to hide a million imperfections,
Ones only you can see

Drawings used to be on the paper-
Now they are all over your wrists.
Made not with crayons, but with a knife.
A way to feel, to hurt.

Dessert used to be a reward after dinner,
Now it disgusts you.
A punishment,
Causing horrible thoughts to boil over.

The monster follows you,
Out of the mirror-
Every day,
In your mind.

Inescapable.

She isolated me
Left me completely alone
With no one to help me,
Through the tough years

I gave and I gave
With nothing in return.
She made me abandon the ones I loved
I hurt them for her
I left them out,
Feeling proud,
As I watched them walk away

I never saw it then,
The toxicity
Seeping into my every thought
I called it loyalty,
Poor innocent me

She never gave me all her attention
I sought it out, craving it.
Honestly,
My stupidest mistake

i don’t even wanna vent
i’m so lost
i used to beg
used to talk to strangers
used to tell all my tales
now i walk around on mute
i could only talk to a few
not really
it be ******* up my mood

A compliment,
Or a jab-
Slowly,
Tearing my mind.

Good thoughts,
Stripped away,
Replaced with
Horrible ideas
Of how my body should look.

The mirror becomes a threat.
Words like hourglass,
Skinny and thin-
Swirl and boil in my head.

Obsession,
How could I?
Look like them?

The rush slices me open-
Spills my guts

Working out in my room
Starving myself
For the summer ***
That never felt like mine

Yesterday - a funny word
Holding so much meaning,
Impact.

Sometimes yesterday lingers,
Following me home after dark.

I don’t want to feel like that again-
The heart breaking,
Gut wrenching,
Want to die.
Death,
So close yet so far away.
Almost scary,
Or…
Relief.

But here I am again.
The next day.
Waking from a horrible nightmare,
A cruel trick of the mind.

I sit in silence,
Though my thoughts scream loud
It’s not peace - it’s  exhaustion.

Will it pass?
Maybe tomorrow.

Sometimes I stop eating,
just to see if they’ll notice.
Food becomes disgusting-
A horrible punishment,
A twisting of my mind and stomach.

I don’t hate food
I know I need it
Yet I still throw it away,
Hide the meal I never ate

Would they care?
If they saw the untouched plate?

I tell myself I’ll eat tomorrow.
I told myself that yesterday.

I know this isn’t kindness,
to myself.
I know this isn’t strength
It’s just a call for help.

Some days,
I just want someone to notice.
Notice what’s happening.
Notice me.

You are the happy friend.
You seek compliments but you don’t believe them.
You can’t be the messed up friend because they have it worse.
You can’t compare because they won’t see it as bad as it is.
You are the happy friend.
You are the funny friend.
You are the safe friend.
You let them vent, you let them share.
You take the burden so they don’t have to. You carry their weight-
adding to yours.
You don’t let them see.
They check in with you but you know you can’t say anything.
You can’t trust them with your feelings. They don’t need more on their plate.
They can’t handle it, but you can.
You can’t be delicate.
You can’t be hurt.
You are unbothered.
Because you are the happy friend.