In a haze of anger
The touch of a horrible boy and my screams shake my bones

My mentor repeats my name
Until I am in front her
My mind folding in on itself

I tell her every ounce of rage, fear, and hate
The only things my heart can grasp
I spill until I am empty

The person I look up to
Funny, kind, understanding, strong

Says
"I understand more than you will ever know"
I realize we aren't so different after all

Hope is a lie people cling to
a lie they wish upon believing it
But one day it'll disappear into the blue
Watching your dreams shatter bit by bit

Hope is a lie with feathers
Silently waiting for you
But once you get near it shatters
runs away from you like an unsolved clue

Hope is a lie, a cruel one
One which leaves you waiting for more
and when your happiness reaches its peak
It leaves you broken and alone
It leaves you shaken from the bones to the core
It leaves you empty and feeling like a freak

Hope is a lie, many learned to be careful fromButt those unfortunate souls dressing for prom
thinking they're going to get their prince
But leaves the floor drunk from drinks

And so goes for love
making a fool of us
tricking us, making us think we're above
The heartbreak it does is treasonous

Christmas used to be cookies,
Left out for Santa
Christmas used to be hanging ornaments,
Collected over the years
Christmas used to be waking up early,
Trying to catch Santa in the act
Christmas used to be real trees,
Piled high with presents
Christmas used to be family,
Happiness, safety, and home
Christmas is now saving money,
To buy enough presents for everyone
Christmas is now plastic ornaments,
Because the old ones aren’t at this house
Christmas is now sleeping late,
The only break from life you get
Christmas is now carrying in the fake tree,
Leaving small gifts that mean nothing
Christmas is now disappointing,
Just faint memories, forgotten traditions
What Christmas used to be
Different now-
But we still pretend it’s the same

I had a piggy bank when I was young
Cheap, easy to break
It cracked once,
But my dad could fix it
He could always fix it
He sealed it up to look brand new
Eventually it was thrown out
It was too broken,
Couldn’t be fixed

I’m the piggy bank
So many cracks that are just sealed shut
But glue doesn’t always hold
Sometimes things creep through the cracks
I’ve been fixed,
But never enough
People only see the outside
They don’t see the breaks
Ones that have been hidden
When will I get to the point,
When I’m just not worth fixing?

I cover my tears
Masks made of too bright smiles
My eyes hold tears of sadness,
Though they see them as tears of joy
I drown my thoughts with lyrics
When they become to much to bear
I talk too freely,
laugh too loud,
Just to cover up the silence
The darkness clouds my brain,
My thoughts,
my feelings
I hide my pain with my humor,
But the jokes feel empty when I’m alone
The silence screams louder than I ever could
And I can’t say it out loud
I know they would laugh it off
Or tell me:
“That’s not you”

Fighting in the kitchen
Fighting behind closed doors
Screaming matches they won’t even hide
Threats of leaving
Who knows who said it first?
They were never happy,
So we weren’t either.

Then they split
Split months,
Split holidays,
Split lives
Two houses
Two parents
Two versions of me
Two influences in my head
Telling me who to blame
Who to trust.

I became a peacekeeper,
Messenger, translator,
Or liar

Clothes kept in bags
Packing up pieces of my life every week
Moving back and forth,
But I’m stuck in between
Just me,
Pretending I’m okay-
Trying to stay whole

I’m like this because of them.
So much was happening.
I had no one.
I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t share.
It’s too late now.
They’re there but it doesn’t help,
I’m too far gone.

It makes me dream for something
But now I don’t know if it’s possible
I just want love
And happiness,
A perfect family
What is it like to feel whole?
What is it like to not have a broken family?

I want to tell someone
I want to be proud
But I’ll just be a joke
I don’t want to feel bad
I can’t help it
I’m happy with myself
I want to be happy with others but I can’t
Because they’ll just make it a joke

I love her,
But she says things like
“Oh no, a 97. Are u going to cry?”
I’ll bite my nails til they bleed
Stay silent

But, it’s like-
yeah.
maybe I will.

She embarrasses me.
She ignores me.
She always stands up for him —
but she wouldn’t do it for me.
She makes stupid little comments
that shouldn’t affect me.

If she only knew
She doesn’t even notice.
She doesn’t even care.

And yet I still forgive her.

Why does she have to be like that?

Bad day
Bad week
Bad month
Bad year
Bad…life?

Suffocating silence

Lonely
I am alone

They are there-
But they don’t even know

The weight of the world on my shoulders

Is it just me?

It can’t just be me…