i am so unbelievably terrified
of letting down the ones i love
that i cannot let them love me

i am a self centered
narcissistic
overweight
stupid
ugly
annoying
rude
*****.

but i can’t do anything about it
and if i try
i cry
and if i try
i die
because i know it is not me
and it’s not who i am

but when i don’t try
i make others feel worse
i tell them i’m okay
but this life is a hearse
and i’m stuck in it
my body is dead but my mind is alive
and i’m banging on the walls
but i’m too weak to break through
these emotions push and pull me in every direction

the coffin in the hearse that contains my body
is traveling over a bridge
unfortunately
the driver of the hearse went unconscious
and i cannot do anything
because if i try
i die

i won’t be alive for much longer
because of my attempt to be stronger
but the weights are tied to my feet
and this ship is ready to sink
and i am not ready to go over board
but as i plummet
head first
into the ice cold water
i look back on those who threw me in
those who wished to **** me
and smile
yes, i died.
my body was not contained though.
i died.
but, my body was not in the hearse
this is not meant to make things worse
i did die, that’s not a lie
but just let me try
to let this get by
my body was not in the hearse
it was not left to sit there forever
my vessel will sink, but my ship will sail
as soon as this is over
i won’t be in jail
i won’t be stuck in a cell
my life is a living hell
but if you don’t wish me well
if you step on me
and rip me apart
it will give me a start
to help you hurt me
to help me help you
because i don’t care about me
i am not important
but if i affect you
in any negative way
that is me
hurting myself
locking myself
in the coffin
in the hearse
with the unconscious driver
now at the bottom of the ocean
locked up
in the cell of its own misery
please don’t help me get by
it will make me feel guilty
but if you just stay with me
and pretend like my head is empty
that is okay
because you won’t be worried
and i will have no hurry
to leave the side
of those in my mind
one day for me
my mind will touch the sky
and my death will make me alive

In what ways
do I make others
joyful and happy?

How much
do I make others
joyful and happy?

I envy you who awakes to welcome the birthing of a new day.
Where family, friends, love and hope are the keystones of your way.

Once I too had those things and could welcome each rising sun.
And like you too I did all I could to hold those things hard won.

I never thought of my life in terms of what it had cost.
Never understood the value of having it until it all was lost.

I never even thought that it could all be lost in the way it was.
To end up living life when the sun rises and that my only "because".

To have a life with meaning and where you can have some good.
Yes I still remember it and I would turn my time back if I could.

I hope you can forgive my envy and know I bear no ill will to you.
But hear, please my en-treatment, your world is fragile too.

Do not take for granted that things will always last.
Better those things in your future than only in your past.

Each dent should lessen the value,
but curiously deepens character.

Don't take my heart's voice and make it your Starbucks review.
It may not be pretty, perfect, and cookie cutter constructed.
But I still feel something, and i'm sure you do too.
I'm not a dog and pony show.
I wish I felt it were true.

What's a poet to a writer?
Why are some valid and others not?
No reaction is a reaction after all.
But even alone, I must be a fighter.

I'm not a dog and pony show.
But I wonder if you'd ever know.
Because you choose our voices like you choose your candy.
You prefer what's sweet, and discard the sour.

My voice is a sweetart, what comes with it tingles.
Listen and react for it's story, not the speaker,
and you'll feel it deep inside your heart.

I promise I can evolve
Please don't you go leaving
Have faith like you have your laws
Don't need to set a fee

I once thought I knew the sound
Of what love meant for me
To honestly be love bound
I just needed to see

There are many who will come
And many take for free
But none have reaped the full sum
Of the wealth, I could bring

I'm not cocky, I'm just one,
That has something to sing
And I have value to some,
But others, I just sting.