What does it mean to be
Emotionally unavailable?
My manic thoughts keep me starving for
An imagined happy

“Are you single?” They asked
Well, my heart is as open as an old wound
That reopens & bleeds & scars for
Vicarious validation
Yet closed in the sense that it shuts down
Every time it starts to feel something
Almost habitually,
As if in self defense
I guess you could say my heart was a
Twisted & distanced kind of available...

But no
I’m not available in my mind
Because it knows better than my
Feeling *****
The human container that’s headstrong
To it’s gullible nature
My thinking ***** knows that
Vicarious happy is not real happy
Which labels my forehead like a neon sign
Emotionally Unavailable

I crave a validation that looks like your love
But it won’t fix me
Or provide the happiness I
Desperately need for myself

Driving up slowly...
Park across the street.
Nobody should know where we meet.
Walking up slowly...
Wishing I was drunk.
At least that would explain my funk.

Now I’m peering,
Peeling off my skin.
There’s no healing;
It’s a game you can’t win.

Now I’m driving up slowly...
And making myself go home.
The things I do,
To let myself roam.
Now I’m driving up slowly...
Two hours before I’m home.
All this effort...
And nothing to show

Writing silently...
The words aren’t coming
Like I planned.
I pray someday that someone understands...
Because I don’t.

Driving alone,
Driving alone.
Home is not so lonely...
When I’m driving up slowly.
So, I’m coming home.
Yes, I’m coming home.

Thick air
Heavy panting
Quiet cursing
Hot breath
Soft sheets

Gentle proximity
Tight muscles
Awkward posturing
Sweet sweat
Satin lips

Lonely company
Hollow host
Instant gratification
Human validation
Sentient toy

This war I wage.
A new chapter.

I fought my battles,
I bled my blood.
I followed my orders and by God I marched,

Little did I know,
In this war I wage...
I fight on both sides...

I wanted you so much
But I didn’t love you
I know if I ever spoke that prayer
It would smolder upon your lips
And fall to the ground as ash

Validation.
The name of the game.
If you know what I mean,
then you feel the same.

If not, I’ll explain,
so pull up a chair.
Allow me to enlighten,
listen if you dare.

I wake up in the morning,
first thing, check my phone.
Next it’s the apps, and the emails,
constantly refreshing them alone.

Validate me,
show me I exist.
Not a word, or a quip,
or a single call missed.

Validate me,
show me my worth.
Show me I’m a human,
on this isolated earth.

Please validate me,
or am I even here?
****, chase away those thoughts,
and scare off those fears.

Validate me. Please.
Perhaps I’m a ghost.
Or maybe I’m invisible,
or maybe, I’m dead.

Help me.

I'm at the age right now,
when parents tell you that you are having,
"Identity issues".

I have news for all of you,
I'm not.
Having.
Identity.
Issues.

It's the exact opposite.
I have found myself.
And I love myself.
It is not unhealthy to love and appreciate yourself.
It is unhealthy,
to change for someone else's benefit.
Yet, this is what most want us to do.

There is a difference between changing yourself,
to affect others in the way that you want to affect them,
versus changing yourself just because they say so.

I have found myself.
I'm sorry if you don't like it.
I'm sorry if we don't share beliefs or ideas or anything at all.

I am not sorry,
for being myself.

And I will continue to live this way.
Believing that I am,
who I am,
and quite frankly,
I am enough.

I don't need your validation.
I don't need your affirmation.
All I need,
is for you to not tell me,
that I have identity issues.

Seeking validation from others?
Sad anytime...
Be self content, confident!