If we were made to write down our thoughts
and to draw out our pains
I'd have nothing to write
nothing to say
I'd stare at the paper, as you asked me why
I'd say sorry for something I couldn't explain
not to you, and not to them
these things are to be said and forgotten
a way to keep together, a way not to lose it
And if I could move again, i'd move my hand
to lift up the pencil, my body feeling like sand
Height continued to increased as they forced me to mark
down my problems, happiness, and skills
but what emerged became scribbles
to turn the paper black
the thing that I swore to you
I promise wasn't there, it was just the sense I lacked
If I were to explain how to say the words
I would choke on myself, to turn into ash
that's all that would remain

I know that there was a line that I sewn upon my skin
Thread made of emotions that I couldn’t hold on to
They slipped and slid and came out of my grasp
And if I tried to lock them away, they’d easily undo the clasp
I sit at a wheel, my finger at a thorn,
Spinning roses, and flowers, and threads for toys
If I can create something, something to be kept,
Would I someday find these things again and learn to accept?
Or would the thread someday fade and unwind behind the scenes
Undoing in the corners, ripping the seams
Things like these, I know, weren’t meant to last forever
They were meant to be loved, cared for, watched, and maintained.
But if I cannot move myself from this bed,
And catch the hands of the monster speaking in my head
Would I be able to learn how to thread the eye of the needle
So I could learn to love again?

You aren't the girl you'd always wanted to be,
the letters on the page said, just barely into my grasp
You aren't who you wanted to be when you were three,
though it long since changed when you were nine.
In fact, you aren't even sure who you wanted to be,
because you were always thinking where you wanted to go
What you wanted to learn, what you wanted to do
What you wanted to be good at,
and you craved to be someone everyone liked
Liked, but at the same time free
You didn't think much of the future, maybe you didn't think there would be one
That it was just so far away you would simply never get there
You aren't the girl you want to be today, either
Less of a burden on everyone else
Even now, as you think of what you want to do, you can't imagine a life
where'd you be at peace
You do not want to go into the future,
and the past is too far away as well
The present is not a gift no more, as it seems like it's a cruel joke
You can't help but sit here and read this-- ready to choke
Your end should have came so long ago, but yet here you stand
at this edge of this cliff, in this darkened shift of the show
Your fingers already numb, as the blood darkens the snow
Your end should have came already, and you’re sorry you missed your chance
Your plans always changed, and you never made it in time
or when the time came you were stuck in your mind
Your time should have came, but delusions will pull you back
that rope tied around your shoulders is all you have
So where do you go? And why must you always have plan A and B?
Why must you always insist on going to the most wonderful places to see
That is where you'll go when you're so far far away
Up on that bridge or at a bottom of a lake
So you can see a beautiful sight before you can blow out the candle
and be free

an angel and a devil materialize on each shoulder,

standing beneath the stage lights,

empty-mouthed, waiting for a whisper of a line,

but who is to say what’s wrong or right?

i know I’m not.

their playbook dances in my head,

so if not me, then who?

n.h.

i miss your gaze on me!
i miss your voice!
i miss your hair!
i miss the way you'd walk into a room like you owned the place!

i miss your stupid face.
it's so dumb!

because i didn't hurt you.

it's the other way around.

and im still recovering
from what you did.

why do i miss your stupid face?


... i don't know.
don't ask.

i miss it.
i miss you.
i miss us.
i just miss it all.

i know i shouldn't.

but i can't help it.

... i miss your stupid face.

One breath, we were family
the next, two silhouettes unrecognisable.

Are we strangers now?
I’m unsure.
But I do know this:
we stood, souls stripped,
bare in the quiet between us.

I wanted to trust you
to lay my heart in your palms
like kindling,
hoping you’d keep it warm.

Still, I ache.
Not just for your touch,
but for that fierce, wordless belonging.

Bathroom
I go in the bathroom wanting to take a shower.
I put my clothes and my feelings away to get washed.

I stand in front of the tap.
I turn it on.
Water starts pouring.

I space out.

The water becomes too hot to handle.
I turn the tap without looking —
towards the right,
because that is where the cold water is.

But then I get a thought:
No, the cold water is on the left.

I turn the tap to the left.

Then I get burned
from the water.

Scent of ocean on his hair,
Im so far
yet it pierces my chest.
Smell of crushed leaves,
On his fingers which he'd snapped to get
my attention
Telling me that I'd been zoned out,

It was his smile, a little tired
Lack of sleep, or a tough day I couldn't decide
Are you ok was just the surface,
Yet I hesitate to scratch it, let it made a scar.
Dance of a few words, and a few hellos
and goodbyes
Hallway interactions with unsure glances
But the sparkle in his eyes compliments
the harmonies in my soul
And though I promised to,
I couldn't let go of the strings.