Why is it that you sleep so soundly beside me while I lie awake feeling alone~

you're too skinny, girl
I want to be just like you

you're not healthy,
girl
lay me down
right next to you

broken and free is a fine line.
(everybody's pretty
in the right light)
think I could be pretty
unhealthy                       too

Growth.
Going, you know that you have gone.
Walking clockwise around yourself
I’ve learned that I know nothing
Other than that sometimes you don’t need to know

You need to know calculus and how to sing in 2 different languages
You need to know how to dress business casual and shake hands and beam people with your smile

But when do we learn how to comfort ourselves
Comfort found without the BPA of anything above a 0.8
Who taught us that hearts beating fast will become familiar.
Warm, even

A hollowed tree
Like the air in a haze of silence
Like a sunflower seed in the palm of your hand
Like a child anticipating Christmas morning

It starts faster than you’re prepared for
At first you’re falling
Terrified, uncontrolled, holding your breath
Eyes closed
Wind whistling past you
You’re shaking
Now you’re screaming
Thrilled
Heart racing
Teeth bared
You’re smiling now
As you catch yourself
Adhering to a branch
Swinging from side to side
Weaving through everything in your way
Intertwining with yourself
Braiding your own silk
Don’t stop for a moment
If anyone saw you they’d tell you to slow down
But you don’t know how
You’ve given up control of your body
You’re the creator
And the follower
Constructing your own masterpiece
Nothing
Else
Exists
Time is a fictional concept
The world is a cloud of fog
And you have never seen more clearly
The patterns dancing before you
Growing in magnitude and detail
And it’s exquisite
You hear the murmurs as people walk past
Admiring your quilted work of art
It’s all that’s ever mattered
It’s all that ever will matter
Past, present, future, as one

Now for the first moment
You take a breath
Proud
Relaxed
Content
Lucky to have been given this talent
Satisfied with your efforts
Blessed to be a part of something so great
So breath-taking
Twists of sweet silk wrap around you
Intertwined with your self-made comfort
Wrapped in your blanket of security
Tangled in your thoughts of happiness
Gum on the soles of your feet
Captivated by your own distractions
Bound by your expectations
Smothered by the necessity of love
Glue on the tips of your fingers
Trapped by the need for control
Suffocated by your pride
Choking on the admiration
Rubber bands constricting your neck
Bound by the fear of change
Knotted by the unwanted consistency
Imprisoned by your own design

Your legs strapped, unable to move
Your hands cemented to the transparent rope
Tightening around your wrists
Your hair becomes the sheer silk
Your clothes are now tangled twine
Encompassing the entirety of your body
Adhering to your ankles
Strangling your neck
Drowning your thoughts
Suffocating your free will
Vision blurs
World dulls
Sounds muffle
Struggling only weakens you
So you become stone
Paralyzed
Unable to move
Unable to breathe
Unable to find the motivation
The purpose
The drive
You once had
You’ve lost possession of your worth
Surrounded by beauty
Your stomach remains an empty glass jar

Suddenly
You’re swept
You’re spinning
Unwinding
Out of control
Trying to grasp onto a thread
Something recognizable
Reaching to hold on
Arms flailing
Hummingbird heart
As everything you’ve ever known disappears
Ripped apart
Torn to shreds
Every
Detail
Destroyed
And you’re left
Alone
Dangling
Gasping for air
Controlled by the wind
A single thread
Cinched to your leg
Dragging along
The crushed dream of what once was
Ache lingers
Birds flutter
Ants scurry
And you’re left stranded
Abandoned by your past
Unable to begin again

Like the air in a muddy cloud of noise
Like a sunflower dehydrated to a crisp
Like a hopeless child, brought to reality

Until one day
It will snap
And you will be nothing again

this feeling is not
symbiotic: you reduce
my core to nothing

You wake up
Do you feel jittery?
Panic runs through your nerves
Tired and restless
Heart pumping wildly
8 hours, 10 hours, 12 hours sleep
Still feeling choked by a headache
Numbness filled the back of your mind
Watery eyes from fatigue

Time for work

Getting called in
Do you feel the anxiousness?
The tension in the air
Sweaty palms and feet
As you drag yourself in

You're in
Do you feel calm?
Empty and a lil nervous
The thought of 'I dont give a ****'
You knew where this is going

He screamed
Do you feel upset and angry?
With the demeaning insults
Threats after threats
And you sat there silently
Allowing him to

You left
How do you feel?
Helpless
Agitated
Powerless
Breathe...

Your day begins
Do you feel better?
Work after work after work
Piling up like hills so high
Jittery feelings return

Home
Do you feel dead?
Exhausted and drowned with work
It does not stop here
Unfinished business to continue
Type away with blank stares

Crash.
Your day starts again.

Sometimes I get stuck
And it's hard to tell if I'm ok
But I can always tell that I'm unwell
When I get the urge to talk to you
You do not help me
You do not make me feel positive
And yet I have this urge
To speak to you
To give you the power to hurt me
To give you the power to break me
To take me
To abuse me
To use me
Until I am nothing more
Than an object
Your object
Not a person
Not a set of feelings
Emotionless
Dead
Yet serving a purpose
Useful
Meaningful
Something a little more than
The nothingness I feel

Shards scatter the kitchen floor;
Joel Adams plays through the radio.
Hearts chained down, wrists throbbing.
Phantoms appear, knocking the lungs empty.
He?--She?--Them; they appear on the table,
where guests are supposed to sit. The counter,
the couch, the bedroom (where guests are not supposed to be).

(But you reminisce, they're not guests anymore.)

The shelves are cold--freezing even, like a snow storm
has passed by. Not only that, but the pillows, notebooks,
that spot on the floor, the jacket, their mug.
Every single thing they've touched, it freezes every time,
and it stays.

Yearning for warmth no longer there.
Fire no longer burns, heat but a necessity.
But there is eternal warmth in the body;
the blood. The kitchen is scattered with shards of
mug, and where warmth is found in blood, fingers
squeeze onto pieces of glass.

Once again, it is warm, it is relief.

You feel warm again.
But where blood and body meet, there is no end nor beginning.
Where there was, there is.

(It's always been like this.)

I can give you everything,
I can take you anywhere,
Whatever you want it's yours,
Oh you'll be the queen of this deadbeat land.
I am your ever so loyal partner in crime.
You've bewitched me.

As a king,
I'll break anyone who comes close,
Their heads on sticks and guts for confetti,
Eyes as fried snacks, don't you appreciate me?

Say you love me, won't you?
All those who broke your heart,
Are being torn apart,
Don't look at me like that, lovely baby girl,
After all, God has brought us together,
And with divine intervention,
Comes a craving like no other.

As a king,
I don't want to but-
I'll bury you alive inside your own bedroom,
The family you knew and choose to bother to find you,
Will only see the end of an ax,
I worship you so don't worry about me,
Just listen to God- he's speaking- can't you hear?

I'm obsessed,
I'll confess,
I've wanted to see whats under your skin since the day you said hello,
I promise all I do is worth it,
The blood you've seen was requested by the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the Son.

As a king,
I'll break anyone who comes close,
Their heads on sticks and guts for confetti,
Eyes as fried snacks, don't you appreciate me?