Nature's summer is close to come,
Meanwhile my spirit is still in winter.
This injury, when will I overcome?
To finally become a winner?

Do not look at me with those empty,
Trying-to-see-through-me eyes!
Without them I am so unhappy!
Without them I feel my body dies!

The day will come, and my cold body
Will not be warmed on summer rain,
The day will come, my dear buddy,
You will not see my smile again.

No reaction to action
Left baffled by the way you were acting
From lovers to strangers, now barely reacting
Love you forever to cold replies — no reenactment
Yelling instead of talking, now silence is our last interaction

Being envious is a strong emotion,
An emotion that is hard to shake,
Seeing something that you can't have,
A feeling that you can't seem to break!!

Although, you are unhappy of others achievements,
you can't seem to shake the feeling,
You are in need of letting it go,
You are in the need of Healing!!

but, sometimes that is hard to do,
You have to confess what is hurting you,
Once you let it go, than you will know,
How to cope with and Be better at dealing!!


B.R.
Date: 2/19/2025

i know this darkness.
it wraps around me
like an old sweater—
worn, frayed,
but familiar.

happiness knocks at my door
like a stranger with bright eyes,
offering sunlight,
offering warmth.

but sunlight burns.
and warmth fades.
and what if i can’t keep it?
what if it leaves
like everything else?

so i stay here,
in the shadows i’ve named home,
where sadness hums
a lullaby i’ve memorized.

because even pain
feels safer
than hope
that might shatter.

envy is a strange thing
i scrolled through
the life of a boy
i had never known,
watched the love
pour over him
like flowers on a grave,
watched the silence
turn to screams
of “i miss you”
& “why did you leave?”

& i thought,
what would they say
about me?
would their silence
finally break?
would their love
finally bloom?

but then i realized—
he is not here
to feel it,
to hear it,
to carry it.
& i—
i am still here.
& if i am still here,
there is still time
to teach them
how to love me
while i am alive.

—stay, even if the love feels quiet.

I miss the days
When I could just eat without thinking about it
Without counting the calories
Without shaking with guilt
Without feeling so awful that I shove my fingers down my throat just to pull it out
To remove the weight
To release the guilt and shame and food into the toilet bowl

The cold bathroom floor has become comforting.
Knowing that after kneeling down on it, my hands trembling
I'll lose weight

Degrading myself for entertainment bring's me joy
Talking down to myself bring's me pleasure
Which i never had with any women
My friend said women are something to mess with
I don't know if that's true
But my land lady, she is a beauty who came straight from heaven

I want to ravish her
I want to degrade her
To drag her by legs into my world
But that feels like a crime
I am a criminal
Punish me
I am a sinner
With a mind gone rouge
I cannot think straight i am sick with vulgarity
My hands feel empty Is that why she doesn't **** with me?
But can with my friend
Who is a dog walking around streets for food?

Maybe she muses animals
I know she has a loose ****
I should focus my mind somewhere more productive
Where i can do something
Where my mind can stop wandering in the day light
But the dawn light
Isn't that inviting criminals?
To ravish women like slaves

She never felt she belonged
So read and tried to pretend
She buried herself in a book
Where she could drift
‘Till she was beckoned

Her heart aligned to the character
She felt their pride and pain
Her queen of snow and winter
After she closed the pages
her mind remained

She created worlds in her head
Imagination was her best friend
At night she’d Lie in bed
To a whole different world
In which she’d ascend