Everyone has parents.
They always mean well right.
Or maybe they weren’t taught to fight.
Because no one ever taught then right.
Through all the aggression and ego.
their younger selves never had room to show.
And the chance to have love to expand.
And without them listening to understand…
It’s a strange way for them to plan.
The cries are too low for them to fear.
So where is the relationship left to go from here?
Slowly fading away through every tear.

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Hey, it’s me, just saying hell....
Hey, just wanted to check up o.....
Hi, I really miss yo......
Just saying what’s u.......
I’m constantly bombarded by thoughts of you
I wake up .... You
I go to class.... You
I study.... You
But I still can’t understand
Why I’m not over....
You
Yes.
Was the word I said when you asked me to be yours. When you said I want you to be mine
Out was where we went , no matter the time. I’d go out with you over and over and over again because i never wanted the time with you to end
Unlimited
Was how I felt when you held me in your arms, when I called and you’d always answer . When I knew i could rely on you to be the answer but
Somehow, over time, I began to think I was not the answer. Multiple Choice but I was not the right choice, I was the choice that’s so close to right it made it difficult for you to decide
But you decided that you were willing to be almost right to be with me and I didn’t appreciate that til your heart. Your mind. Your thoughts. Your time. Left Me
Read
That word has become so familiar now
Read
Has become a common response to me now
I fight for your attention
Your time
Your affection
I fight for the right to my thoughts
My attention
But
I’m losing
Connecting......
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I see you.
Talking to her
Her could be a stranger
Her could be a mutual friend
Her could be your someone close
But her isn’t me, so it could be anybody
But I want to be her
What is it about our past relationship that is keeping me hooked
Why do I feel like I am not free
I know I don’t want a relationship
I know what you’re probably going to tell the next girl the next her but.
I don’t care.
​

It never mattered much that you weren't mind to hold
I have a bad habit of waiting for people to change their minds
and hoping I'll fall back into the arms of someone who was never meant to stay
It's always more the idea of someone than it is the person standing in front of me
so I spend my mornings listening to music that reminds me of you
pretending to know the boy I only wanted you to be

What does it mean to be
Emotionally unavailable?
My manic thoughts keep me starving for
An imagined happy

“Are you single?” They asked
Well, my heart is as open as an old wound
That reopens & bleeds & scars for
Vicarious validation
Yet closed in the sense that it shuts down
Every time it starts to feel something
Almost habitually,
As if in self defense
I guess you could say my heart was a
Twisted & distanced kind of available...

But no
I’m not available in my mind
Because it knows better than my
Feeling *****
The human container that’s headstrong
To it’s gullible nature
My thinking ***** knows that
Vicarious happy is not real happy
Which labels my forehead like a neon sign
Emotionally Unavailable

I crave a validation that looks like your love
But it won’t fix me
Or provide the happiness I
Desperately need for myself

you say you need someone,
but ill never be that person.
even if somewhere deep down,
you still want me.
i will always long for,
the idea of us,
side by side:
physically,
and emotionally,
intertwined.
but you have your loyalty,
and i have my pride,
so maybe one day,
these feelings,
will subside.