don’t rip my heart out of my chest until the swallows are choking on their hallelujahs.

twelve year old girls are popping pills; mommy’s medicine cabinet, vicodin to numb the pain. slitting wrists is out of style so they smoke instead, slow motion suicide that is nothing but a human way of escape. self sacrifice is sin unless you can make it look like an accident.

mommy and daddy think i am innocent but i’ve lost my sense of self awareness, i crash.

babydolls drool on her pillow tonight, their chests are ripped open and their eyes are gouged out. baby lucy doesn’t want to meet little bear, she’s already met the beasts in her mommy’s heart that beats at a rapid speed even when she’s sleeping. mommy is weeping.

it’s my party, it’s my party, i’ll **** well cry if i want to.*

my mind is not twisted, it’s just a little hazy, so i’ve forgotten who i am. no one knows how crazy it can get when your parents toss you around like a rag doll maybe i’ll bleed out all of the drugs that are swirling inside me.

it twisted
when i sat idle
hopeing off her horoscope
online, read a few
after that i do a painting
something like she’d do
little flowers smiling fruit
health veg and neon cities

it hard
when i sit back
tip ma cap down
chillin'
then wham
i slip and gotta climb out a pit
overrun with  a thousand clones of her
muddy and they’re all babbling questions
everything she ever said streams lucid
concerned 'help me’s tangle
soft 'love me’s whisper
i turn
and she asks me to leave

it easy
after a spliff
or a bottle of wine
a slice savoury unconsciousness
any bite of smoke

its wrong
that we’re going to forget this

she’s ignoring it hid round the corner
waiting till i'm gone
jumping into a river of ignorance
blaming it on being young

its
stupid
that i even give a ****

That even i care so much

tho yes
it over

but where do we leave it
somewhere we might find it?
charity shop?
the attic?
maybe she’ll give it to a friend
or she’ll paint over it and just know it was there

on her own she might trace where we drew
and shed just half a sigh
skip a heartbeat and roll back to bed
she’ll wish for that last kiss

but once you’ve killed it its dead

kissing on your bed with you
listening to childish gambino
somehow
your hands find my face and
my skin tingles

but this isn’t love. last night you told me to
keep myself to a minimum suffocate
the parts of me you didn’t find beautiful and so
I did.

tongue tastes a lot like heaven
I think as you grab me in all the places
you shouldn’t and I’m still
stuck on the way your arms are

prickled like cactus. (stop
puncturing holes in me is caught in the
back of my throat
yet i say nothing.) you taste like a
volcano threatening to erupt

but I like the way you look when you’re
spread out on your bed eyes closed and sometimes
I feel beautiful

we’ve stopped kissing
my lips are chapped and
everything is quiet. including the way
my phone rings and mom tells me

she’s picking me up
we say goodbye.
we do not hug.

This rhyming tongue twister filled with S's and P's 
Is said by Sally's sickly sister as she sits by the sea
Selling seashells as she tells Peter the Piper
To pick pecks of peppers presently ripe or
Else forage the forest for frog legs and bees.
But beware of the badger's butler named Steve
Who forgot of the fox in the box wearing socks,
Bought by the duck in a truck for a buck by the docks
Where witches make wishes, of which there are three
One wonders, two wander, but which one are thee?

Seashell selling Sally and pepper picking Peter 
Then postulated how preposterous were the nauseous people eaters
Whose purple pales are full of quintessential quantities 
Quietly questioning carefully the existential quandaries
Of buck-riding ducks driving trucks by the docks 
With a box of a fox wearing socks made with locks
Who is literally elated over Luscious Lake
Where lucky duck Luke likes to lick lemon cake,
While eleven benevolent elephants and three blind mice
Might magically master their moves skating on the ice.

Thus this terrific travesty of a terribly twisted tongue twister
Seashell selling Sally sought to share with her sickly-sister 
While the pepper picking piper, Peter, perpetuated his preposterous plan
To provide the purple people eaters with a conundrum of a can.
Can they can as many cans as a can canner could?
Or what of the wood chucking woodchuck should it chuck any wood?
And the purple people eaters ate no purple people that day
Because Sally's sickly sister this tongue twister couldn't say.
And the benevolent elephants and blind mice three
And the licking duck Luke were all laid to rest by the sea.

1:27 in the morning
Trying to sleep but I'm scared out of my mind
The creatures around me won't stop morning
My bedside is where they've been assigned
Teasing me and tricking me
In their sick twisted game
Everything's okay, they guarantee
Except when I go crazy, I get the blame

love, had made me
a weapon of
destruction

righteousness coursing
in my vein as the
ground burns where ever
i walked

love had turned me
into a monster

yet
in the blood
splattered mirror
i only see

a fool

It's the after taste of the handful of pills you take,
Every day,
Every night.

It's the headache you get after you cry,
Tears you didn't even know  you had.

It's the chalky sensation,
Of the pills in your chest.

It's the heart burn in your ribcage
That burns into your throat.

It's the vicious pain in your wrists,
Before the blade hits.

It's the hyperventilation that keeps you from seeing.

But it's the moment you realize,
That death is not painful,
Nor is it a release.

It's the eerie sense of calm,
Before the storm sets in.

You feel nothing.
You think nothing but
"This is it."

You feel as though everything has built up
To this point.

That everything you love
Has fallen apart.

It's the moment of fear that comes after,
When you decide that it was wrong
When you decide you don't want this,
When you realize what you've done.

It's getting pushed around by nurses,
After you tell them why you're there.

It's being told "You deserve this"
By the people you thought cared.

So call me a **** up.
Call me a monster.

But don't you dare call me a coward.

I have looked Death in the face and refused his offers.

I have chosen life and light above Death and Darkness.

I have come over the hill and back again,
And made amends and seen the truth.

What is right is not always easy, and what is easy is not always right.