i tried to look through your eyes today

at me, me, the girl who trusted you, (who trusts you, maybe...)

i saw a girl who sat, almost at your feet for God's sake,

and let words pour out of my mouth like i was
throwing up last nights dinner, because i hadn't eaten that night

and i saw a girl who couldn't face the mirror, because she
doesn't know how to act around strangers

there was a girl who made me sad, made me wish i could take
all the pain away

i saw a girl who was constantly HIDING (no, i was just... okay, maybe i was hiding) in too big sweaters and buns, long sleeves and leggings

dear GOD, its nearly 90 degrees outside, why are you wearing long sleeves?

because she has squiggly ink on her arms she doesn't want you to see

oh, oh but i figured it out

she wears these things because she's hiding

this is what you see- you see me, like nobody else

ever

has

r.c.

Gender is a ****.
Now bear with me, I don’t mean it in a bad way
I mean it as gender is elusive
Gender is tricky
Maybe with my words I should be more picky
But that’s not the point
The point is gender is something I cannot hope to begin to understand

Maybe gender is a universe
And within it we are all stars
Or maybe gender is an ocean
Not quite the Dead Sea where everything floats
And not quite everywhere else where everything sinks
But somewhere in between
And within it we are all jellyfish trying to string together a coherent stream of consciousness that somehow makes sense

And-see?
It’s getting away from me
I used to think gender was a binary
Male, female, *****, ******
Everything coincides so we all fit into this dichotomy
But that leaves no room for Alex who is sometimes Alex and other times Cassandra
Or Sasha who is somehow both at once
Or me who lays claim to no label, because all of them throw up a red light

There is one thing I do know as fact
Pronouns are not a privilege
They are a right

They, them, their:
Singular gender nonspecific pronouns
A customer came into the store today and bought twelve packs of gum
I didn't know what was on their mind, but
Maybe they wanted to kiss their lover full on the mouth while an orchestra of taste crescendoed around them
Caleb came into class today with two cupcakes
One for them and the other for their best friend who hadn’t shown up in two weeks
Claiming “She’ll be here today, don’t you worry”
And the rest of us lapsed into silence, knowing she was never coming back

She, her, hers
No longer will I suffer in silence as those I care most for
Call me something I am not
I am not your daughter, I am your child
I am not your sister, I am your sibling
I am not a girl
I am a nonbinary
I know it makes no sense
But if you just listen you might be able see
To escape the past tense
And start living in the future with me

No longer will we stay quiet
Duct tape over our mouths as we are locked behind closed doors
Buried beneath accusations of
Transtrender
Genderspecial
“You’re just pretending”
No longer will we stay silent
The wrong pronouns whipping our bodies into submission

It
Is not a pronoun
*******
Is not a compliment

You sit in the audience groaning
When will this queer shut up and go home
Isn’t it enough that we acknowledge your existence
But you don’t
I cannot count the times I have been misgendered
I cannot count the times I have wanted to speak up but didn’t
Knowing I would not be taken seriously

Now I will not be silent until there are no more stories of
Schoolyard oppression
Trans suicides caused by a “lesson”
I will scream myself hoarse until
Trans women can walk the streets in safety and
Bathroom means bathroom not
Execution
Remember this
As we are forgotten by our cis siblings
As we are told we don’t exist
As you, the cis  in the front row
Realize
That your daughter at home
May not be your daughter
At all

You told me you liked to get lost
in things you loved
but then you stopped loving
and never found your way back.

I fail to notice
Men's eyes outlining my body.
I fail to notice
Men's whistles as I walk by.
I fail to notice
Men's words escaping them with the wind which runs through my hair.

But I do notice
Men's firm grip on my delicate wrists.
I do notice
Men's sweet aroma as they snarl into my ear.
I do notice
Men's ***** fingernails on my soft, milky-coloured waist.

we are alone.
moonlight's kiss
on sunburned skin
and a poisoned caress from honey dew

we are alone.
silent wings slicing through
thick
dark

we are alone.
a dull point
glimmers
and we hack
and we slash

we are alone.
ruby trickles light the black
and crimson beads
form crimson rivers

i am alone.