i keep telling myself it’s not a big deal
people fall in love
people drift apart
but it wasn’t supposed to be them
not the two people i trusted
not the two faces i looked at
and thought,
“they’ll never do that to me”

funny how betrayal doesn’t come with sirens
no alarms
just small silences
a skipped message
a weird glance
a laugh that didn’t include me this time

and i wonder—
when did they first look at each other like that?
was it while i was talking?
was it during one of those nights
i was pouring my heart out to her
and he was just… there?

she knew
they both knew
and still they smiled at me
still asked how i was
like they weren’t already
pulling the knife out of my back
to see how deep it went

i don’t even feel anger right now
just emptiness
like i’m standing outside my own life
watching it fold in on itself
quiet
unimportant

maybe this is what it means to be forgotten
not in absence
but in plain sight
to be looked at
and not seen

i keep thinking i’ll cry
but my body must’ve decided
it’s not worth the water

and maybe it’s right
maybe i’m just a chapter
they skipped through
a placeholder
until they figured out what they really wanted

but god
why did what they wanted
have to be
each other?

What I hate about myself
That is so pathetic and weak
That I despise so much 
Is that you can yell at me 
Call me names, throw lies
Throw all the trust back at me
Even hit me, scratch me 
Make me hurt and cry
Make my heart beg 
Make my voice loud
You can do all those things
Yet I know **** well
The moment we both 
Finally grow quiet and calm
The moment your golden eyes
Look upon my eyes, my soul
What I hate about myself 
Is that I would still love you
I would love you wholeheartedly
Through the pain and anger 
The guilt, regrets, wounds 
I will still love you through it all
Even through gritted teeth
Even through running tears
Even with a broken heart 
I will still love you through it all

A friend once told me
  “Don’t lean on people, they always move and you’ll fall.”
    But what if?

What if I leaned with a knife in my ribs
  Just to keep it straight?
What if their shoulder was made of plastic,
  And I liked the noise it impregnated me with?
What if falling was softer than standing still,
  And comfort was found in bruises?
What if all I ever wanted
  Was someone to move?
  But toward me, not away?

A trusted advisor,
A friend,
Someone you can rely on,
Through thick and thin.
Someone to hold out,
A guiding hand,
Someone to cheer you on,
When you reach the end.
There’s something special,
Knowing someone believes in me,
Despite everything.
It gives me hope,
That perhaps one day,
I’ll become something!
All because of a few words said,
From a mentor, a trusted friend.

Be encouraged by the challenges you face. It is a huge growth potential right there!