I touch the side of my thigh and feel the familiar ridges and raised skin, that I can not decide if I’m proud of them or asaimed. I could point to each and every one and say the reason and date, but I don’t. My thoughts are more twisted than that kid in fourth periods spine, you know who I’m talking about. People will look at me and the way I present myself and make snap judgments. Those judgments leave little voices whispering about how you are wrong. Ignore the good ones, they say. They are wrong, they say. My face blends in a crowd so easily, don’t think I’m complaining, I want to blend into the crowd.

She was born on a sunny day, flowers     growing
Smiling great and wide in her hospital room
Sheltered away from everything that could hurt her

He was born on a gloomy day, roads flooded
His face scrunched into a cry from the sight of his mother
He'd be thrown into his mother's arms, where he had already been broken

Under her rich family, she had it all
Unaware was her family of what she truly wanted
Unintended was her sadness inside

Above his poor family, he found a job
A job of delivering newspapers for the richer
Average pay kept his family in their tiny home

Took a walk and headed home walking in the street
Took a minute to decide her fate
Took a step towards the cat headed her way
Took her life

Delivered the papers fast
Drove his bike home, and took a step inside
Dropped to his knees in the kitchen crying
Drove a knife through his chest

Some people have it made out for them
Some people are not as fortunate
Sadness comes from many ways, in many forms

You look at me with your eyes bright
Said that we would never fight
Your words became lies
And my feelings died like flies

The world seemed to be held in your hands
Now it's held you the remaining strands of my heart
You now mean nothing to me
As if you would've ever dropped to one knee

You talked about our future
But what future
Talked about a house and children and dreams
I'm glad they won't happen
They won't have to deal with your hits

I remember your hits that came from your mouth and from your hand
The strands of marks across my skin
But I would never tell I was harmed

I will Never forgive you
But I will Never tell
Never tell about the harm.

I am sorry that I do not love you.
I am sorry that I have never loved you.
I am sorry that I use food as a weapon.
An arsenal packed with things that you cannot have.
I am sorry that I am always counting.
That even when I say I have stopped I am still counting.
I am sorry that an apple is not an apple, but 95 calories.
Food is not nutrition but a number.
I am sorry that you have gone hungry in a house full of food.
The cupboards call to you but I stay put,
Hunger keeps you safe.
I am sorry that I have hurt you more than anyone else.
I am sorry that I don't care.
Your well being is not my top priority.
I am sorry that I do jumping jacks until I faint.
Drink cups of dirt tasting tea.
Pretend to enjoy skim milk.
All to be thin.
I am sorry that after all this you are still not thin.
No matter what I do you are not thin.
I count, I cry, I run.
You are not thin.
I am sorry that thin is your new purpose.
You wanted to be a teacher.
Now you are the monster I created.
Trapped in the corner of the life I destroyed..
I did this to you.
I made you this way.
You deserved better.

These doctors say I need medication
To control my anxious reaction
To everything and nothing
Real or fake
I can't tell the difference anymore
I've lost the will to get through the day
I can't feel
I can't sleep
I can't eat
I'm wondering when this nightmare will end
Maybe thats why
These doctors say I need medication

Intrusive abusive thoughts shower me under my own personal rain cloud.

Tormenting me, Unrelenting and sadistic they seek my misery.
If given a sound they would be as intense as an orchestra is reaching it's crescendo.

I'm powerless to react, the rain cloud is now a storm cloud, thunder claps and lightning replaced with the brutality of self inflicted slashes. Now what lingers is overcast.

My shell of the man I once was sits cowering in the corner.

Waiting for the cycle to begin again

You see,
This world is just too hard for me,
Cutting only gets me so far,
And I'm taking this hard,
Please tell my mom,
I'm sorry I couldn't stay around for long,
Please tell my daddy,
I hope you understand why I had to leave,
I guess it's too late to explain,
All the pain,
And all the lies,
So I'm saying,
Goodbye.

you will be 14 the first time a boy surges his way inside you
like a battering ram, unyielding at the castle gates
and you'll cry quietly and forget about it until you're 17
when a leering grin is the only precedence to fingers like knives
that scale the walls searching for whatever treasure that is rumoured inside you
you will be unable to dismiss the fear that swirls like animation-show thunderclouds above your head
when its dark outside and you've still got 10 minutes left of your journey and right here, this alley
cross the road to avoid it because you can't trust shadows in places like these
and hell, you'll still be afraid the next day at 2pm walking home from a doctors appointment
hearing the loud thud thud thud of footsteps behind you and they speed up with a thud thud ThUd THUD
your heart crazy and rioting like a bird in your chest but its just a man trying to get past you because of his long, long legs, and heavy footfalls
you haven't felt safe in the places you should've and that scared you for years until you made it to 17
layers of memory peeling back with the catalyst and you know now why arms always felt like iron bars
because you see a smile storm past your eyes when you close them
and hear the soft laugh of the older boy
as you squirm under him and no, you haven't told anyone
too late to make change and too late to stop being afraid
this, your secret shame,
you will be 14 when you let yourself get *****.

they will try to tell you I tried to **** myself.

I swear, it wasn't that.

It's just that the weeds were growing through my ribs and down my back and into my lungs, and no one likes weeds.

so I tried to drink **** killer.

instead it just burnt my throat and made my skin feel like sandpaper

it ripped out my taste buds and numbed the bridge of my nose

and it didn't even get rid of the ******* weeds.