I trusted you
I trusted you

Still see the brand of your jeans
Your hands were cold as ice
And it still keeps me up at night

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

I'm telling you
I'll tell 'em all, I'll tell the truth
Oh, just the thought of you
Controlling all I do
If I bury anything, I'll bury you

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

Did you, did you
Think I'd keep our little secret?
I don't have any good reason
To not come clean from your demons
I'm damaged, I'm bleeding
Did you think I would stay quiet?
That I'd forgive and not fight it?
But the resentment is hiding
And you can't scare me to silence

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

Still see the brand of your jeans
Your hands were cold as ice
And it still keeps me up at night

I was never addicted.
I was always starved for affection—
That pleasure I tried to find
Here, in my core,
Was only an attempt to rescue
The girl in her old bed
In that house filled with
Violence,
Neglect.

Where no one ever told her a story
Before she fell asleep,
Where no one ever said
“Good night,
Sleep with God.”

Today,
She’s feeling her way along the walls
Of her cold house,
Trying to find
The path back home.

—It was always about
Feeling loved.

She sits opposite, devouring me with a delirious gaze through her fingers,
Remembering and honoring,
Not a day passes,
I am all in my efforts to cut the twisted cord binding tomorrow and yesterday,
A sticky thread of ****** saliva stretches from lips to the gravestone,
She is motionless,
Pitifully insignificant,
She is the opposite of everything natural.

I do not heed her howling,
Do not sacrifice myself in the name of love,
I do not want to know the details, I do not want to have her weaknesses,
I will wipe from the earth all coincidences, all omissions,
Misunderstood and inaccurate,
She does not dare to leave,
Afraid she will make a mistake and everything will again turn out tragically.

I will gouge out my eyes so as not to see her tears,
I do not wish to think that she suffers in earnest,
Too biased, too ugly,
There is no one here, it is time to quiet down,
But she looks without blinking, as if hoping that this beast in me will disappear.

There is no reason, and no time,
Study as much as you want the rainbow facets,
And there is no one here,
The reddish light will vanish, perish,
But she stands her ground.

i got woken up
before the sun could rise.
furniture scraped the floor
as the moving van arrived.

my father shed tears,
kissing the cats goodbye.
i was only seven
when their divorce
was finalised.

the next time
i was eight,
only six months
wiser than before.
my mother said
it was all a mistake —
we couldn’t live
like that anymore.

there were no cats
to bring back.
belongings were sold.
when we moved again,
we snuck out
during the day
so my father wouldn’t know.
it was better that way.

we lived hidden
in a half-house
under a tree,
as if the branches
could smother
the echoes
of the screams.

my brother returned,
shaping a new family
with a girl.
although a bit crowded,
for a moment,
i swear we were happy.

in between the bags
and the weight of living,
i jumped into
the arms of a boy
who gave me an out.
his smile felt like escape,
but left me empty
and dry.

a decade later,
i found a house —
not a house.
a home.
in a country
i was meant for.

they didn’t speak my tongue,
but accepted my love,
even the way i failed
and learnt.
the love was unconditional,
and asked for nothing
in return.

it took sixteen attempts
to find one i could own.
and now that it’s mine,
i never want to leave.

if i made a move,
it might stir the darkness —
the kind that still breathes.

sometimes.

and i need
to let it sleep.

Keep on
Fellow poets!
Keep on
Shouting your pain
Putting a voice to your trauma
Releasing that unspoken part of you
That is crying to be heard
Crying to released
Out into the void
For there is power in sharing your truth
To show the way
And give permission
For others to release theirs too

My greatest fear
is telling someone
all the pain I’ve been through
how many times I cried
and hearing them say
it was all in my head

there are walls in front of me.

a tried metaphor, but a true one.

(and in one trope, i construct another)

walls. wall after wall

after wale after wale

after wail after wail

after wall after wall

and i'm still no closer to whatever

destination i have

in mind.

i don't even know what it looks like.

i just want it to look like something other than a

wall.

one day, i went side to side.

like a courtyard, i was enclosed.

i broke those walls down too

and found more bricks

upon bricks upon

bricks upon

bricks.

one day, i went backwards.

oddly enough, the walls kept going. they kept on going. had i not bothered to turn around the very first time i opened my eyes to all this brick and mortar? when i try to go back, memory-wise, i don't recall ever doing so. it's been so long. i can't believe i never marked where the beginning was. i have no idea where i am. perhaps i've been going

right all along? i went to the right on accident, perhaps. sometimes i fall asleep among all these bricks, and when i rise again to resume hacking outlines of me through them, sometimes my orientation doesn't seem quite right. i eventually learned to mark which wall to go through next after one too many uncertain mornings, one too many times where i may have went

left by mistake, actually. and once you're mixed up like that, left isn't left anymore and
right isn't right anymore. maybe

left has been

forwards all along, maybe i'm so mixed up i've been going forwards thinking it was
backwards all this time -- no, thinking it was -- i mean -- **** --

maybe i've been so mixed up, i've been going backwards thinking it was

forwards all this time.

i get so turned around these days.

but weirdly enough,

no matter what,

despite it all,

there's only been

wall after

wall after

wall after

wall every

way i go.

Ridgehead
Barreleye
Bristlemouth
Loosejaw
Daggertooth

The names he was called
The identities he became

Things of that nature run deep
And crush like the depths of the sea