No longer tracked in a dollhouse. A small spec from the view up above.
Heart erratic
Breath pumping
My confusions left unsolved.

No longer scavenging for booky ally ways for a quick huff and puff,
Fantasising about what I’m wearing as I **** myself,
Or when it would be most peaceful to inhale evil
Spirits.

No longer held on an invisible chain
Chained to my ‘friends’
That have accepted this mutual need
To be comforted not by what is said
But by what is given and pierced through the head,
Over and over
Again and
Again
For years
Four years
I knew not one of them,
But their smiles were kept green
And their eyes soaked in sad blood
Looking through narrow windows,
Thin lines of dim lights,
Pouring on lonely nights.
And that’s when I realised
Freedom is a slave sacrificed.

So if I must be chained
Let it be a chain
Hooked on loyalty
Truth
And love.
Let it be a chain
Flexible
And gentle
So I can find my way back
With ease.
Let it be a chain of strength
A chain that protects me.
Because I am no longer chained
To the idea
Of freedom in
Robbery.

My life is oft haunting,
Unbearably daunting,
I don't even feel it;
It's freakishly taunting.
Whenever I close the door,
You make it open.
The light always shines through,
Though my life is broken.

So when I fall in the dark,
You're there to save me.
You'll guide me forever;
You'll mold and reshape me.

Still I'm left wondering
If you're still pondering
My lowly existence.
Who would consider me?
Whenever I choose the wrong,
You can make it right.
The light always shines through,
Though I am in the night.

So when I fall in the dark,
You're there to save me.
You'll guide me forever;
You'll mold and reshape me.

But I still feel doubt and pain.
My friends have left me here…

But now I can see truth—
There's more than enough proof;
She's right in the open.
God, I deserve reproof!
Whenever I pushed away,
You came back to me.
The light always shines through,
Even when I'm weary.

So when I fall in the dark,
You're there to save me.
You'll guide me forever;
You'll mold and reshape me.

I may yet forget you,
But you will still save me.
My life is in your hands,
You'll always avail me…

Beauty comes from pain
Strength comes from struggle
Bravery comes from fear
But love cannot come from hate

When will the pain turn to beauty?
When will the struggle turn to strength?
When will the fear turn to bravery?

Perhaps it's never to be known
Exploited by greedy hands
Kept away and controlled
Fear, struggle, and pain
Only put in bold
There spawns hate

- Jay M
December 14th, 2020

I wish I was coming out of this
A butterfly 
****, just something with wings

Hasn’t it been a cocoon?
Crying and crawling, desperate times 
We're begging for change
When did it come to this?
I was just thinking about finding
What I’ve hidden 

Guess there was more than I thought

Where did I put it?
I know it’s in here somewhere 
Did it fall between the bed and the wall? 
I’ve dug through all the corners 
Third eye throat stomach swallowing heart
Plenty vulnerable with no discernible 
Skill so I know it’s unlikely but god
There’s a script a book a song or two
A business plan, A landing joke ?
Something somewhere in these poems
All over my floor and tucked into my arm 
Maybe it’s in my phone, probably not

I wish I was better but of course, I am


Even if you can’t see wings 
Maybe they’re bound 
Just under my elbows 


I’m better 
Even if it’s just barely more than before

There's a death inside of me.
And it wants to come out.
Maybe I need to honor and grieve
this death.
Maybe I'm scared of
this death.
A bullet through my ******* head.
What a relief.

And who heals through my suicide?

What part of me wants to die?
Maybe it isn't the physical.
Maybe it is the part of me that causes harm
to myself, others, and nature.

So where do I go?

Perhaps slow down and head back to those forks in the road.
All those many moons ago.
Soften them.
Rearrange them.

I am not me.
I am not
this death.