I said
we were amazing
while putting bandages on my cuts
I said
I really loved him
while covering up my bruises
I said
I'm glad he’s happy now
while wiping away my tears

1 am, 5 months later
I’m wide awake, alone in the dark, the same way you left me
With broken thoughts, broken hopes, and a spirit to match
Who would have thought the cut would be this deep?
Questioning myself, questioning my worth, questioning my ability to be loved
All because you only knew how to question
Only knew how to hide
Only knew how to blame anyone other than yourself

How long do wounds take to heal?
How soon can a spirit be fixed?
How soon can one ignore the blame, the guilt, the shortcomings of an indecisive lover?
5 months later and I don’t want to question my worth
I want to question you
Your views
Your actions
Your way of making people feel little when they only want to make you feel loved

The only aspect of myself I need to question
Is my loyalty to a heart
I didn’t own

My love outlasted yours
like a tool, I let you use me
like a fool, I let you trick me

When you were silent I responded
because I knew you needed me
because I knew you could use me

You pushed me 300 miles away finally
but at least now it's just me
at least now it's just me

This glass between us holds a haze
that grows each and every day
I see you building up this steam
so you can freely waste away

But the reflection that you somehow see
regardless of the lack of transparency
I explain to you it doesn't come close
to what's in front of me

So tuck, duck, and hide away
it's not my fault you decided to betray
and spend all of your energy feeding
the monster in this mirror that's making you decay

As I examine the contents of my soul
I’m disheartened by how much is missing,
and the condition of the remains
Over three years of regrowth;
over three years of growing pains
Your roots wove to every corner
The voids they left give me hell
After everything you put me through
It’s a feeling I know all too well

The box calls to me from the corner of the room while I’m alone
It lures me in with hollow whispers
As I draw close to it I see a light peeking through
And like a child on Christmas I open it as if its contents are unknown to me
Instantly, the creature inside swallows my mending heart leaving me empty
But your hunger is ever-present
And nothing will quench it
I break away only because you let me
Never a chase
After being free I immediately begin to heal
Only to be consumed once again

I am walking on ice
Towards you
You taunt me
I catch a glimpse of you
A gleam of color
Through a whirlwind of snow
And I am oh so eager
To catch up to you
So I run forward
Though my fingers are blue
And my legs are oh
So tired
I can feel the ice cracking under my feet
I know I should stop
Quit chasing
After an elusive figure
In the snow
Even if you might be all I want
All I think I want
But I can't stop now
The ice behind me
Begins to break off
Drifting into the endless dark sea
That I am so afraid will consume me
So I keep walking on ice
Hoping you're my igloo
Though you might just be
The frigid water below

Love feels like coming home
But I've found homes in many people
Every home I make is different, fit to hold the looks and laughs between us
Love is like taking a hot shower when the cold has seeped in from all of the cracks in your broken armor
After feeling like a dog licking at empty water dishes it's like realizing you have thumbs to turn on the faucet
It cannot be fit in a poem
People are not lists or metaphors but shelves of novels, walls full of paintings, flaws and idiosyncrasies.
Love is warm blood, messy mad hearts, and wild wolf loyalty.
It's faltering footsteps and tears after the moon has risen.
It's campfire pops and crackles, twisted bed sheets, and moments intertwined like fingers
Love isn't finding your way through a hurricane or boots stomping through a garden.
Love is like coming home.