I get lost in my work.
Hungry again, I note.
The cycle restarts.
Better this time, I hope.
I find some good food,
Making sure to choose carefully,
And snag my water,
An essential, soon, you’ll see.
I avert my gaze—
I fear they’re all eyeing me—
And sit myself down
For a ritual eternity.
Many meals are Hell;
My body a warzone.
What you’ve learned to nurture so
Still hates you to the bone.
I accept this task I must master;
‘Twas not a choice I made.
It’ll stick with me for life;
‘Cause it’s one my genes gave.
The first taste is bliss,
But most bites bring pain quickly.
Size portions correctly;
So tired of feeling sickly.
Pain sears my throat,
So, I chew with vigor.
The swelling is fast;
I pray my water’s quicker.
The drink spells relief,
But every bite’s anxious,
Every swallow torment;
Each pause between captious.
Another meal unfinished; bitter defeat,
The peace remains unreachable.
I craved it so badly, and I was so close,
Now it looks repulsive; uneatable.
I check the scale once more,
So, skinny I remain;
Been mocked and critiqued
For weight, unable to gain.
I am Sisyphus ‘til sated,
The table is my hill,
Sustenance my stone,
And my mind is my will.
I get lost in my work.
Hungry again, I note.
The cycle restarts.
Better this time, I hope.
Written on 2023-09-18. This is inspired by the struggles I face during parts of nearly every meal because I have a chronic disease affecting my eating. My throat and esophagus swell up when my body accidentally identifies food as a harmful foreign invader, making it tender. Swallowing becomes painful, ang eating becomes an agonizing process.
