it’s november when
the meds kick in, it’s
december when i feel
human again. (or maybe,
for the first time?)

i lack less.
found an appreciation
for something or another
dug up in the front yard
by a half-blind dog.
appreciation for
the living
and the
quiet
small
moments.

i used to know empathy,
used to take her hands
between mine in
cut scenes
but those were
   trembling eras
    of seconds,
    caught between
  an intensity i’ve since
        given     away.

an inferno.

of being
in love
with
wheat
grass bet-
ween
high
ways
and

last bit
of clouds
eating sun
like nectar
in the rearview:

or sweet talking
directly into his eyes
at midnight, hearing
a smile in the smoke
that separates our
houses.

cats with twigs
and dirt swimming
in their bellies.
ghosts in the
woods beyond
my car,
yowling at
the full moon
as if they
were born
to.

i now know
the silence and
warmth of
sleep.

i exist alongside
unfamiliar calm,
a quaint silence
that does not
burn at the
                 touch.





but

the world is
almost softer
            almost
                       lighter   --

my skin is
held to-
gether
with
some
thing
more
than
glue.

     (maybe
      stitches?)

i wonder
if i was
human
the whole
time.

stretch wide my mind fled away, drowned in ecstasy, drugged, numb, and not okay! slumped with daze, ripped away in pits i forget your name.

foul without scent, i rip memories to shred. chest pressed in, i **** him, he, I created who carried you to bed in arms who bled for hours to no end. wrapped "together" in the ** for that's was how that night went

Longest of lovers and timeless friends, reincarnated people brought together again. in trial you plead, worried and afraid and within my arms you stayed safe. countless hours to interview and thousand more to hear about how they went..

Jealous of others your envious green showed through indifference & shame on your face. pressured by age you escaped the glue which held you and revealed the true face. tossed aside embarrassed to say, get away from family parties and friends.

Wanted by others you accept the advances you wanted their attention that'll help you escape this "cage". forgetful of commitments you dance your illusions in the arms of a stranger who's face blurred mine away.

you pressed your lips without time within the car, forced on me to fade the haze. a blanket of comfort the cold of may, my heart grew darker december's rain. the ****** agenda i did play, forcing the intimacy to burn it away. leaving your mind afraid.

but i do so hate, my heart that says. sorry for not holding you longer. the world ain't great, your grandfather was very special no one can replace. I wanted to hug your mother she doesn't deserve the pain and i hope i have you to hold if mine went too away.

our love for each other has become ugly..