I want to go home, but I'm not sure where that belongs
In my heart, in their eyes, or perhaps no where at all
If only could I lay among the soft fabric of silence
Numbed by any sense of static, some sense of peace
If only could I find that small trace of sanity left inside these walls
But it's time to go "home."

If only
I could grasp the darkness behind their eyes
And thread them in between the stars
Of the newborn sky

Silent blankets covering your eyes, but yet you walk forward
Is there something that your flailing arms search for?
Blind, and deaf--- I know you can't hear me call your name
Or perhaps you can hear: maybe in my mind, those words remain

I watch him leave, yelling his fathers name
Rushed steps that only mean another day gone
I wanted this… I must know that it is true—
But each day that he’s here I wonder what went wrong
I wanted a better place but perhaps it’s too soon
But her voice, I’ve seen, has become soft
The faint whispers of loud screams became something I forgot
Perhaps I am too naive- too gullible
Perhaps I have fallen into the trap of words
Perhaps it’s getting better, but I remember the ghost of what was
And what is to be
Is this a right thing to believe? To dream?
Perhaps I imagined it all

TW:b100d, g0re
Nights spent carefully watching as his smile turned to ice
Nights waiting for the call that I knew would not come
A butterfly that grew bright, was fated to fall and die
Leaving behind a world full of flowers and love
From their perspective at least
Nights that echoed from my thoughts racing from his words
Nights that screamed in my ear, the night sky wrinkling in my palms
Nights that I stayed unaware, foggy memories of terror and hurt
Staying at the window, watching for lights, fighting to stay calm
What have I done when his smile had grown too small?
What have I done, when he had filled up his skin and his walls
With drawings I couldn’t stop?
Bl00d is Ill-fated when staining the hands of a civilian
Easily turning a human into a monster that twists behind the mirror
A world full of people but still I thought you were one in a million
Biting back, I thought in a way that didn’t make it any clearer
But yet
The bl00d drips
My fingers become frozen ice that doesn’t feel, a world that seems so unsafe
I don't wait for your breath that has become empty
I had thought it was you all along, but the story is told in many faces
The ink that ran from our eyes were different colors, and I saw mine as black
But I know now it is red like the bl00d in your veins
Spilling out onto the carpet, spilling out of your head
It’s hard not to feel insane
And that smile, I realized, was just carved into your cheeks
The other side of the water, was not just my reflection
It was a strange thing to be seen…

Lights flash on and off along with the faint call of car alarms
A whisper of the breeze of this already freezing day
The air filled with murmurs of thoughts, thick with concentration
That would just fade back into the blurs around me as the lights change from red to green
Automobiles screaming at each other through the stops
Where did everyone have to go that was so important?
How did they see through this blurry mess that rests in my eyes?
Standing in the middle of the crosswalk, frozen
The stink of metal, and the smell of pastries
And for a moment, everything was silent—still
And the world was beautiful as it became clear
The scream of tires, and flashing lights, and——
Shoulders bumped into mine, urging as the students released from the day
And from their cloudy skies rained down into stomping feet that moved with mine
Into the screaming lights of the cars, back into a place where people rushed
To rise and to go back into the motions that I have memorized
As if eyes closed, because they might as well be blind
I can’t see a thing

I've left pieces of mysef in every place I've ever been
Under playgrounds, in closets, against the counter:
Everyplace I've tried to forget
Maybe that's why I'm ready to start a new life
Carve a new smile, a new pace over the one that was never mine
In some sort of reality, it's the god collecting those parts of me
Watching me trying to become someone I want to be--- Could never be
Suffocating loud; Where do I go now?
Where do I go back to collect those pieces to look away again
In my scrapbook
Each and every one with a note, but I can't remember where to look

I broke my rules for you  
   As the sky had broken with my rain
Twice did the swinging bells ring
      Twice did the windchimes sway
Twice were chances given for you to hit true
      But alas, both arrows missed the target
Because both were aimed for my heart
      And silent, bleeding, did I take the bow


I broke my beliefs for you  
      As each line was rewritten in red ink
Burning paper drifted into ashes
      Aflame as the memories started to leave
Twice did the sky thunder into sparks
      Twice did the match fade back into smoke
Twice was the love chained and retained
      But alas, a heart is wild and will escape its cage
And twice, did it return beaten and bruised
      So silent, bleeding, did I take the bow

Calming, is it not?
To be able to sit--- wait
And watch the clock tick

You've done it again
      And you don't know that I watch your back
as you fall
   again
                and
                   again
You've done it again
       you shake
   in fear
       that you lost yourself
in their mirror
But darling, you've long since lost your heart
in their hands
So why.. Why do you now look for it?
You've done it again
        And I can only watch
as the sun pushes
        me
         away
but I'm always at your side