I can see it in your eyes
the disgust you have for me
but I won't stop loving you,
even when you tell me lies and promises are long forgotten
will you tell me stories and make funny faces when I reveal the truth that you have been trying so long to uncover
No.
I don't love when you say the word "Husband"
but do you ever wonder why
I wouldn't say I hate men when you remind me of my brothers
but can you remind me of that picture in my memories -
a man looking at an 8 year old me in a skirt jumping high and happy
while I play with my jump rope and pleasuring himself?
Do you want me to surrender to my hateful memories of men I have met.
Won't you stop spitting words of hate towards people of the same gender kissing
would you do that to me?
Will you still love me
just like I love you
Mom

You make me feel:
Content
Passion
Comfort
Happy
Loved
Alive
Safe
Real
Here
Se­en
Free

But I don’t know you yet.
We haven’t met.
So I haven’t felt these
Things I can only name.

Because

I don’t know the sound of your voice,
The sound of your laugh,
Or the sound of your cry.

Because

I don’t know your eyes.
I don’t know your smile.
I don’t know who you are.

But I do know I’ll meet you someday.
Let it be with a boom
Or a quiet phrase.

And then, I can finally feel:
Content
Passion
Comfort
Happy
Loved
Alive
Safe
Real
Here

I wanna die, wanna quit, won’t you stop at my limit?
Tough it up, stick it out, take a hit and cower down
Wanna drown, wanna sink, mind’s so foggy I can’t think
I lie and steal and sneak and fake, and worst of all,  I manipulate
I’m just like you, can’t you see? I’m everything you wished for me
Make you happy? Make you proud? I couldn’t do it, kick me out
I can’t stay, but I can’t leave, I just can’t seem to get away
Flip the script, turn the tables, happy endings are just for fables
Not good enough, ask me why? It's not because I don’t ******* try
You tell me to change yet I stay the same, you try to guilt me, cause me shame
When I scream, the sound is gone, because no one seems to catch on
I’m shaking, burning, my life in flames, I feel like ruining me is your aim
Between my knees, my head hangs low, the weight of the trauma you bestow
When I cry, you see red, your blindness to it left unsaid
I scream, I shake, I shout out loud, but your yelling always drowns me out
In my mind, I beg you to listen, but I cannot talk without opposition
In your eyes, there's no recognition, it forces me to start demolition
Destroying my body, my mind, my soul, my sense of worth long gone in a hole
When you speak, I dully obey, but never enough, to my dismay
I’m the bad one, sneaky, conniving, dying while everyone else is thriving
Lying awake, in my bed, just to make sure there’s nothing said
If I close my eyes, I’ll wake too fast, and nothing else will take me back
To my sleep, where I’m peaceful at last
You walk past, what have I become? waiting for a blow that’s bound to come
I sink, I drown, I gasp for breath, reaching for all that I have left
Right behind me, there's a Past, one that wasn’t meant to come back
When I leave, I’ll be the Past, the one that’s not ever coming back
You’ll moan and gripe and whine and complain, but I tell you, it's all in vain
Am I meant to read your mind? What you want is never clearly outlined
You love the ones close to you, but you don’t see anything wrong with what you do
When you’re happy, times are good; we laugh and smile, all is well
The sun will shine, the birds will sing, and for a moment, we’ll forget the sting

The internet could have freed us.

Now we know for sure it doesn't need us.
Endless babbling repeated tropes.
Posted by morons and losers and brain dead teen aged dopes.
Vacuous and vague , nothing said nothing heard.
Not a thought nothing original
not a word.

Now the morning doesn’t shine as it used to,
I wake up every morning
Hoping there would be a text from you,
But all I get is the unread messages I sent you.
Somewhere we grew apart.

I kept my love the same for you,
But you stopped loving as you used to.
Every day I would wait hoping to hear from you,
And every day, all day I just keep waiting.
Somewhere we grew apart.

Before you would talk with me for hours,
And the hours felt like mere seconds
And now we don’t even talk for a second
Daily conversation has now become a memory.
Somewhere we grew apart.

I am still standing on the same page,
Where you were also there the last time
But now it seems like you now have even changed the book
You don’t love me anymore you just say you do.
Somewhere we grew apart.

Before you would go after who had hurt me,
What would you do now when it is you who is hurting me.
Now, you deliberately say things to break me,
You are pushing me away from you.
Somewhere we grew apart.

Isn’t is weird that you now are a stranger to me,
A stranger about whom a I know a hundred things that others don’t.
You always were an extrovert,
Somehow you moved on while still being with me.
Somewhere we grew apart.

Got a secret? Can you keep it?
Bury it deep in your grave.
Or I’ll knit a doll with ****** stitches,
Stern vows and broken wishes—
Bury it deep, or rot in the ditches.

Turning from my trustful gaze,
My thoughts twist through a thorny maze.
Calculating your faith,
As I sharpen my scathe.

Voices rise, a cursed din,
My ears trace every whispering sin.

Giggles fade, joy is peeled,
Just then, I know—
Your fate is sealed.

I wonder,
Why do we commit our darkest deeds, then tell?
The burn in our brains becomes a living hell.
I know you’ll tell.
I KNOW YOU’LL TELL.

Heart racing, humanity fading,
As I approach you, internally cascading.
Silent night, stone-cold face.

SUDDENLY—

Burgundy flows, sins atoned for.
My shirt stained,
With the weight of what I now bore.
No regret to shred,
Only two can keep a secret when one of them is dead.

I long to be known.
To be seen.
To be heard.

I long to be held,
In a comforting embrace,
And told that everything will be okay

I always thought someone would find me.
That it would be a perfect teenage romance,
Like you see in stupid fantastical films.

So I waited.
And waited.
And waited.

But no one came.

I was a naive fool.

Maybe it's just not meant to be.

every morning,
i wake with the light
of the sun in my eyes.

it’s a gentle yet sudden wake-up call,
as if the universe is
softly knocking on my window,
politely asking for entry
and barging into my bedroom
before i can allow any reply of admittance.
the newly opened door
invites the day ahead of me
to come breezing in,
responsibilities i had disregarded
before i drifted off hours prior
now hanging over me
like an overworking, demanding stormcloud.

i turn to my left and think of you,
still silent in your sleep
as the morning begins to begin out west.
the flowers atop your dresser
reach out to you,
admiring your beauty just as i am
from two thousand miles southeast.
i hope you’re dreaming of something peaceful.
i hope nothing ever wakes you before you’re ready.

i want nothing more than to be with you in this moment,
staining the blankets in your room with my scent
with every second i’m allotted.
or, i wish you were wrapped up with me in mine,
so that after you leave,
i can look for the similar impressions you’ve made
to preserve the memory of being with you
as perfectly as i can.

“a few more years,” you always say.
i’ve been counting down those seconds
since the moment you asked me to be yours.
saying yes to you was
the easiest decision i’ve made.
beginning to love you
a decade before i can give you a ring
and knowing it’s impossible
to flip the table where the waiting game is played
is the most difficult feeling i’ll ever know.

someday,
i’ll wake to the sounds
of you shifting next to me.
my eyes will open,
and yours will inevitably meet them
as you turn to face me.
our cat will jump up onto our bed,
and as snow falls outside
and the subway zips underneath us
below the earth we’ve conquered,
you’ll show me that same smile
that i pledged myself to
all those years ago.

in other words,
i’ll wake with the light
of the sun in my eyes.

and in its warmth,
i’ll find enough to bask in
to last me a lifetime.

well,
i'm not totally sure what to say.

but regardless of whether or not
i can get a hold of my words
and shove them into my mouth
so i stop making a fool of myself,

we find ourselves here
at this fork in the road.

i'm not much of a driver
nor a great decision maker.

but as we're making our bright red,
three second stop,
your hand finds my shoulder as if it was designed for it.
the magnets click into place
as the turn signal blinks at the touch of my hand,
and i follow it down the path
i promised us both that i would take.

it's an ordinary thing,
the road we've found ourselves on.
and yet,
i've never driven through snow on a beach before.
i can't seem to get myself used to the weather.

i take in the surroundings
and remind myself to breathe
as your grip on my shoulder loosens.

i feel as though we're doomed,
seeing visions of our car being driven off the cliff
that i swear i keep seeing
in the rear view mirror.

i brace myself for the impact,
the crash,
the fire.

but instead,
you roll the window down
and poke your head outside,
taking in the light wind
as we continue cruising.

the sun shines on your face
as if it knows
you are made of its light.
it opens its arms
to welcome you home,
and you smile and laugh
and tell me to turn the radio up.

so as we speed down the blacktop,
we let the world hear our songs.
and yet, they remain ours and ours alone.

the moment is ours
and ours alone.

we are ours
and ours alone.

and i am yours.
i am terrified of what lies ahead,
but i am yours.

and your body next to me
in the passenger seat
is all i need
to keep me on the right track.

He asked me:
"You're one of the chubby ones, aren't you?"
I didn't know how to respond.
Maybe I thought if I stayed silent,
the question would go away.

I had been feeling so good,
as if I’d finally escaped my insecurities.
I didn’t think a couple of words
could do so much damage.
But why didn’t I see it coming?

I curled my hair to distract from my round face.
I wore chunky necklaces
to hide the folds on my neck.
Big rings on my fingers,
so no one would notice their size.
Tight clothes cinched at my waist,
and every chance I got,
I’d **** in my stomach,
hoping they wouldn’t see my belly.

When I looked like a whale,
I hid beneath oversized black jackets,
draping my arms in the shadows.
I painted my face with makeup,
layer after layer,
as if it could camouflage the body underneath.

I live in a world where they say:
“Femininity is beautiful, embrace it.”
Another screams:
“Be strong, be invincible.”
Yet in the arms of a man,
the script flips completely.
“Let him lead. Let him control you.
Submit.”

“Don’t say no;
it will turn him off.”
And now, apparently,
they prefer when we beg them to stop.

Every compliment always felt like a cruel joke,
Every compliment had its own flaw.
But Finally, I looked at him and said,
"Why does it matter?