I showed you my heart,
Please respond

~Robert van Lingen

Midnight run
running my mouth...
uttering my thoughts,
You stayed quietly
Absolutely you turned your back like---
I don't exist, you shut down.

Midnight run,
my mind restless --- unsure of my nefarious notions
slowly creeping the words of insecurity

"you make me feel this way"

Midnight run,
I'm out of breath
I'm out of time
I'm out of love

Midnight run,
My heart is gone.

They say with every decision you have two choices
But what happens when the angel on your shoulder is now gagged and bound
That now in this moment has no say in what i do
That now in this moment can not control me let alone himself
My mind is chaotic
Glympses of what my life was.. now get ****** and spit on by the devil that dances my shoulders
Yes the little friend i have whispers "if only you had me" and its true...
I focused on others and how they would respond to me for so long but no more
My mind is awake
Now awoken i sit and think about what could of been as not failed past situations but only my sidelined future
yes
my mind sees every opportunity as retro fashion designs about to make a bold statement in this drab and cold world..
My mind is ready
Im ready to stop telling myself that tomorrow is better.. That today just doesnt feel right.. That i should wait until im thinking straight...
My mind didnt belong to me  
At least not to the extent that i remember
For years i did what that little coward on my shoulder said to do
Listening to him talk in to the bag that is filled with his breath from years of anxiety holding him back
My mind is done
Im done with thinking about the consequences of my actions
They now dance in the back like shadows caused from the spotlight on my face
My mind looks forward
Those worries of what you think now fall to the floor like dirt as i take my victorious shower
My mind has won
I stand before you a champion.. someone that looked into the eyes of depression and anxiety like a chess player looking at his opponent that is 4 moves from leaving the table
They wept and as they buckled into the fetal position i laughed like i was holding it in for years
My mind is beautiful
And it is time for me to finally see that beauty shine for what it is
no longer will it sit behind the shade of what you think.. letting spots of light come through as little hearts and stars dance along the wall from holes cut from the previous approval of others
I now scream "****...that!!"...

My mind

is now

...mine!

the sun god reaches out for me
index finger, a fiery beam
to claim my heart again
for the new day
for today's sunset
for tomorrow's sunrise
pierce the indigo cloak
rip it out through broken ribs
the prison bars asunder
claw it out from me
and make me cling
to dear life
compelled to fight
find in strife
what I lost in comfort

You take my blood so you can live.
     when will you stop?
You tear my soul from my warm body.
     why do you think you need what is mine?
You drag my heart through our broken heaven.
     when will the hell end?
You steal what I once gave freely.
     how can you look in the mirror?
You shattered our content, our private perfection.
     how long will you stalk my happiness?
You stand on the edge of my freedom like a thief.
     must you breathe my life, my spirit?
I will not acquiesce...you can not have my all, my everything.
     do you think you can take my essence?
No more taking!

I'm not quite sure
if I’m sad or happy
you’re out of my life
I may not know your intentions
or what you were aiming for
when you hurt
me
but I do hope you're satisfied
with your decision
the decision of
destroying the only one
who stood up for you

Behind my camera their world carries on.
I focus on the narrow scene in front,
a smiling group, their eyes focussed beyond
my shoulders. I try to frame it tight.
They won't keep still for long from engaging
in the rhythms they see beyond.

A never to be repeated moment,
heavily borne responsibility, not just a snap,
a future chance to look beyond reality.

What are they thinking - Oh do get on?
Or what of earth is she wearing?

A picture triggers memories,
some warm, some forgotten.
But who was that at the back?
His name escapes me - a reminder
that memories may be blind.