the sea was never so still
as the night i spilled my guts
in the sink from vanilla pills
and laughed at my immortality

when i scream underwater
the blue screams back to me
in my maraschino heart
i know one thing to be true:
that the cooing and the howling
will never leave the ocean floor
and fall upon the waiting ears
of those who i meant it for

Swimming in brackish waters off of Helsinki thinking
These waves are very high and very frequent I felt ****
(I hoped it was ****) brush at my feet then something rough
Scraped against my thigh as my breast stroke failed
To keep my head held high and slightly salty water went
Into my mouth and across my eyes and I stopped

Treading water long enough to rush one hand over my face to clear
Things up and kept telling myself as I swam further out no
There's no sharks in the Baltic what you felt
Must've been **** or a rock and even

This far away a thing
Can touch you

And you're never really sure
What it is

swim
through the dim
      abyss of the ocean's blue water
      to become a daughter
                  of the violent and quiet sea.

dive
through cold knives
      as your body submits to the waves,
      you must let yourself cave
                  to the water's hypnotic sway.

trade,
for green jade
      scales to cover your ivory legs.
      no longer will your wade
                  in the shoreline's shallow waters.

dance
with the chance
      of happiness running through your mind
      and you will learn, in time,
                  in order to swim you must drown.

As a kid your parents always tell you not to go in the deep end till you can swim.
But not mine, she threw me in, told me sink or swim.
Oh how I sank like a 90 pound rock.
Oh how I hit the bottom with bone breaking force.
Oh how I tried to scream but was welcomed with lungs full of water.
Oh how she turned her back, to busy to care.

I died that day, the thing that swam up was in fact not me, she began to welcome it with open arms...

Till she shoved it back down too,

dear Kaela,

in a couple days it'll have been 7 years since you died. i think of you often. I wonder what you would be doing right now. how would our lives be different if you were still here? i like to think that you would be doing something to help others, or helping animals, because that is what you always did. you helped people. but most of all when i think of you, i think of your smile, and how you helped people to be happy, just by being yourself.

last saturday i was teaching swim lessons. as one of my lessons finished up, the next ones tumbled through the door, bundled up in jackets and scarves. once in her bathing suit, the girl looked at me. i wasn't paying too much attention at first. besides with a cap and goggles on its hard to tell what the kids look like sometimes. but at the end, when the eye protection and hair covering came off. I just stared. "high five," i said holding up my hand, my eyes darting all over her face. because standing right there in front of me was a five year old version of you.

ever since that moment, i can't help but think that, that little girl is you. Kaela, you loved life so much, and you lived every moment to its fullest, and then it was so awfully taken from you. in the past year, i've struggled so much with wanting to end it all. but i know this little girl who smiled so bright, so proud of the fact that she could make me happy just by swimming well, this little girl is you Kaela, reminding me to live my life to the fullest. to love the life i've been given. to keep on going.

thank you kaela for reminding me to keep going. i love you. i miss you. i hope you are happy. rest in peace<3

your dear friend,
erin

It was a hot and heavy summer night
when one of us got the brilliant idea
to go skinny dipping in the river

We all knew about the boy
who had been carried away by the current
in this same spot two years ago
but no one acknowledged the elephant
in the back of the pickup truck

With our parents' stolen *****
sitting in our stomachs,
we took to the dark waters
all laughter and bare skin

Teasing and splashing and smiling
we had the time of our lives
and not one of us noticed
that we were being pulled out to sea

If humans as we know
were creatures in the sea
Why, people would be fish
with the government as sharks
stealing our sanity
bringing humanity to its end

The lies of the world are algae
truth is the coral
If you see past the clouded obstacles
you'll see the coral reef of truth in a sea of lies

make me float, drifting
     down your mountain streams
coursing through your valleys
     forested with dreams
of swimming in your rivers
     and diving in your night
drinking from your wondrous depth
     while drowning in delight

Every night I dream of swimming, but this time it was different. I’ve been caught inside a wave, I begin to drown. My legs are tied to an anchor and I’m finding my way closer to the bottom of the sea. I yell for help, knowing no one can hear my cries. I begin to look up and see the people I love watch me as I suffocate wanting to gasp for air, but life swallows me whole. Every morning at 3 am, I am at war with my mind while you are asleep. Balancing between life and death searching for a way out of limbo. But the waves get bigger, and the tides come in harder. I remember the one time I went to the beach, and all I ever wanted to do is be the king of the ocean. So I built sand castles to the best of my knowledge, conquering my skills. But the tides of the waters continued to crush my creations. Knowing this would happen, I still became frustrated unaware that I was supposed to be learning a lesson about life. Where life was the ocean, turning into a tsunami and I was the castle being torn down and taken back. I begin to drown again. And when my lungs fill with water, it feels like a knife being jammed into my ribs and I am bleeding. I start to become cold and numb. I run to think that maybe I deserve this, maybe I am fault so I begin to give up. In that very moment I notice my position continues to get deeper, I gasp for my last breath and I am only letting the salt water run through my veins drowning me from the inside out. And I am being crushed by the pressure, it becomes unbearable. This is my life, everyday I suffer with this, and I know that you will not be able to walk a mile at the bottom of the sea in my shoes. Every night before I go to sleep, I tell myself it is okay to let go and be done, but I cannot leave the ones I love to suffer at the expense of my doing and my wrongs. I will not stand to be that selfish. My eyes begin to close and I knew this was it. My days are over, this time I was not waking up from this dream. But then something happened, and I was not prepared. As soon as I let go, I let God. Tears begin to rush down my face. He gave me breathe once more, giving me life again. Letting me know that He will not let His creation go to waste that easily. He told me that He did not create me to give up, but believe and live by Him. He lifted me up and showed me the way back. He taught me to love myself, and to never feel alone and left filling me in that I am never alone and that He will always be there with me. In a blink of an eye, He was gone but there at the same time. Now, I do not dream about swimming anymore but flying, wings spread out knowing I will not fall, because as long as I believe and never let go I can conquer it all.